I have been told over and over that having a journal will help me work things that have happened through the years as well as what things are like for me right now. So I'm going to try to make sense of the jumble of thoughts in my head. Some will be public and some won't be.
Everything that's happened started with my mother and has come to pass.
To me, the latest song tells me that he got dumped again. Somehow I'm not surprised. He's dealing with females that aren't like they used to be where they fell at his feet and ate up his bull. These ones won't just strip down and show off for him. I liked the song to see what happens. Though I know it has nothing to do with me. So I'm sure it's either J or one of his new friends.
He's back playing that game. The one that eats souls. He started again two days ago. He's the only one in his room. It was closed all night and nothing has moved on the forum. I'm going to guess that him and his new friends had it out. I think that it won't be too long before R gets a hold of me. As much as I want to say something to him, I've been doing good with not saying anything.
The only thing I can do is wait to see what happens. I'm sure that his friends have told him to block and delete me. Yet just like I haven't, neither has he. It's maddening at times, but it is what it is. I can't help that I still love him. So I guess that's where I'll start.
We were friends for many years before he told me loved me. He was married and I never thought in a million years that I would ever hear those words from him. When he did say them, I didn't think they meant what he meant for them to mean. I had let it go. Then he said it again. This time I was even more confused. Then he started telling me there would be no promises. He couldn't leave his wife. Though there was nothing wrong with trying to have something. According to him, there was nothing between him and his wife. I agreed to understand, but I wasn't going to be exclusive to him. He wouldn't make any promises and neither would I.
Things seemed to go well until about June of that year. That's when he told me he was going to divorce his wife. I won't lie and say that I didn't have trepidation about starting an actual relationship with him. I knew that he had been unfaithful to his wife quite a few times. I had planned to go there in December of that year and I knew that we would be physical when I went. He had already been picking fights with me over a guy that I knew. An ex. He called the ex a 'threat'. The fights were tough on me. Many times he would get cruel and I had to finally have him give the ultimatum that he had been so close to delivering.
For those six months, he did nothing but tear me up about that ex. He was possessive and jealous. He wanted me to stop seeing anyone even if he had slept with his wife and had plenty of female friends that I didn't know at the time he was convincing to get naked on cam for him and put on a show for him. I had my suspicions but that's all they were. I guess I wanted him to be honest with me about it. If he had been, I guess over the years I would have been less jealous. He kept telling me it was all innocent. He called my friends 'fans'. He hated that I had friends that were males. Even accused me of emotional infidelity with them. I had only one concern. He kept telling me that exes do not make good friends. I have a few that are though. While he was having me get rid of these males he repeated were a threat, he had his exes on messenger. He was so freaked out about removing them that he even started a fight over it. Saying how would he be able to see one of them each day after removing her and dealing with it. I had said it was rather simple. "My gf isn't comfortable with me talking with you, so I would ask that you respect her and I. Thank you." I didn't think that was so bad. Yet he started a fight with me over it and said that it wasn't fair to him that I asked for him to not speak with her. Yet it was fair to him for me to remove my exes from my life for his comfort. I should have known better then.
When we weren't arguing about his women, things were good. We made plans for after the divorce. We discussed me moving there. We had no idea how long things would take. We had my visit in December to see how things would be. He continued to complain about my friends. He called my best friend a "two-faced, backstabbing bitch" and another he called just as bad. He complained about my roommates. Basically it began to feel like all I did was go to work, run errands, and stay home for him. I did do other things, but that usually would lead into an argument later.
Things seemed to get better when we removed ourselves from online chatrooms. Again, I found out recently that he hadn't. He just didn't tell me about it. When December got closer, things seemed good. I was still nervous about things. Being with him was basically giving up my entire life and putting it in the hands of another person. Something I had never done before in my life.
The visit went great. What little bit of me that didn't love him, fell completely head over heels then. It was very physical though his wife didn't know. We were careful. It wouldn't be long after that that his wife found out about the divorce. She was willing to give him everything he wanted and was peaceful about it.
After the dust settled from that and we finally admitted that it was real, the real work began. I had to set up leaving my job, telling the landlord I was moving, helping my roommates get places for themselves, and plan a cross country move. The move was set for the end of February/beginning of March. The wife would move out and I would move in right after.
We were both busy but still made time for each other and things seemed to fine. I had let go the past months as a fluke. Friends were warning me against going. They all had their advice. I was determined to go.
When the time got near, I loaded up the truck and had someone with me to help with the drive. I was giddy and ready to go home. For me, home was with him. So began the cross country trek. I had wanted to stop and visit with a friend in one of the states we would be passing through and He wanted no part of that. He got upset and didn't want me to. Not even for a quick dinner before hitting the road again. That was a no. Though possibly stopping to see my cousin in another state was just fine. I shook it off and off I went.
The trip was uneventful for the most part. When we finally got there, I was so happy to see Him and He was happy to see me. There were some bumps in the first week or so. He wanted things his way and wouldn't be swayed from it. I did threaten to leave and move back to my home state. I had a bit of anxiety. I was in a place I knew no one but Him. I had no job prospects. His family lived nearby and I was afraid they wouldn't like me. (To this day, I'm sure that most of them didn't.) The one person I did know there would be leaving soon. After that I would be fully alone with just Him. That's when the real would set in.
I'm going to stop here for now. I might add more later. I might continue this in another entry. There's some years there to get through. Since it's most recent, this is where I will start as I work through things. Not just Him, but my mom and past exes that weren't friends or ever will be. Once I get passed all this, then I can start working on me. The stuff that's in my head from day to day.