LustingforNightmares

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2016-12-04 13:35:02 (UTC)

she posts this because why


"Sea of Dreams" by Oberhofer [cute, cute, cute, and also Bojack Horseman has made it onto my list of favorite shows]

I'll take your word
Like a good friend should
If the earth should dry
May your dreams never die
Clouds are sacred, nothing!
The skies and all man, waiting!


December 4, 2016 Sunday 12:36 PM


I'm always surprised that, like, within two days of wanting to kill myself, I'm fine. Always at the peak, and then bam, I'm okay. Maybe not swell, but okay.

So yep. I am okay. I feel a little out of it, still, but normal. I think my brain chemistry just kind of exhausted itself. Now I'm a Nothing until further notice, and that's fine.

Some drama:

Isaac. He is all the drama. I don't know. He has been strange this week, and I have been thinking about how, suddenly, I don't think I'm okay with the fact that he smokes all the time.??? That's not even the main thing, though. I am just generally irritated by his presence now. What the fuck triggered this, I don't know. Sandwich didn't help. He does not like Isaac, because Isaac doesn't really seem to respect Sandwich all that much.

Sandwich is all about the respect.

Sandwich also says Isaac is "the bad kind of sarcastic" and, okay, it's kind of true that Isaac doesn't seem to like... most things.

I'm usually friends with people who like things, okay. I mean, Laney is cynical (and sometimes this is annoying, because when she's talking to other people about me, she makes me sound like an idiot which just... come on Laney, why). Laney is still a happy person, though.

Isaac isn't. He likes much of the stuff I do, but when he doesn't like something, he doesn't really give it a chance which just... sucks. This includes people.

He senses me withdrawing, which in turn makes him kind of clingy.

And then apparently, he's always talking about me to Liv. I don't know. Gossip says he likes me. Jesus. When will they figure out that that is Bad. It is Mistake. God damn it. I'm vaguely flattered, mostly annoyed.

Sandwich always makes fun of me for this shit, haha. Adrian and Isaac hang around me during eighth period, and afterwards, Sandwich is always like, "God, that was so uncomfortable. Two boys who are, like, in love with you..." stuff like that.

I always say they're not in love with me. I kind of wish they'd leave me alone. Well, I kind of wish Isaac would leave me alone, for a little bit at least. Adrian is okay. I can be friends with Adrian. Actually, me and Adrian have been getting along really well for the past couple of weeks! I think that really long rough patch has possibly come to an end???

God, I hope so. I like being around Adrian again. He is a puppy.

Isaac is now all up in Liv's space, like, "Hey what's wrong with Veronica," and "Hey, I think she's done with me," and Liv's like, "It's just a phase, it'll pass in a few months."

Which is not necessarily true, I guess, but we will see. Maybe I will continue being friends with Isaac. I don't know.

The issue is, my other friends don't really like Isaac either. Alexis doesn't like him. Liv doesn't like him that much. Actually, yeah. Pretty much no one is a fan, except Adrian and even Adrian told me he gets mildly irritated with Isaac. One on one time is apparently okay, but not when they're around me or Sandwich. Then Isaac gets weird.

I can tell it's really bothering Isaac. He actually walked by my last class on Friday just to tell me I looked nice. I kind of gave him a weird look and said, "Thank you?"

I probably could have been nicer, but I'm trying to get him to realize that I am really not someone you can cling to. So I don't even feel very bad.

This is stupid. This is very, very stupid. Somehow, I can't help thinking this is my fault?? Like, if this is the second fucking time this has happened, what does that mean????? I mean, clearly, I am the common denominator. So what am I doing.

Was that the right term? Common denominator? Common numerator... no that doesn't make sense. Terminator. Clearly, I am the terminator.

Hah.

Okay I'm done with this.

---


I e-mailed Pat when I was all "suicidal" and dumb on Wednesday (this entry makes my life sound more dramatic than it really is) and I have an appointment with her on Wednesday, so I should be all right.

I will tell her what happened and then she can tell me whether or not things are... bad. I guess.

I suppose that means I should also tell her about how I cut myself (yes, I did that, sorry, I'm fine though) but then I'm kind of worried she will tell my parents.

Part of me was really wishing that someone would just hospitalize me but... yeah, that would be bad. I have shit to do. College applications to complete. 30-page paper intros to write.... I am going to die haha.

Dude, okay. I'm going to go practice piano now and then finish my college essay. And then print out some god damn papers to read. And possibly get through some more of the Jungle.

Darwin and Malthus are gonna have to wait till next weekend.


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