Not Fucked Up
"Waltz #2" by Elliot Smith
I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow
Now she's done and they're calling someone
Such a familiar name
I'm so glad that my memory's remote
'Cause I'm doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
Here it is, the revenge to the tune,
"You're no good,
You're no good you're no good you're no good"
Can't you tell that it's well understood?
I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow
I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
November 24, 2016 Thursday 1:24 PM
"Choose five words to describe yourself," says Stanford, and I'm like: tired tired tired tired tired except I didn't actually say any of that. I chose carefully, tried to write like it was this diary minus all the negative stuff, which sucked and made me think of cotton-picking before the cotton gin was invented and how those poor people'd get their fingers all cut up by the seeds. I don't know if you were able to follow that train of thought. It made sense to me, somehow.
I wonder what Stanford is like. It's not something I expect to find out. I don't know. I'm not even sure it has what I want. Even if it is, it's a reach in all possible ways.
What do I want?
Lol. Wow. I do not care.
Oh man. My mind's white as the sky today. What do you call this kind of flat light – that fades the shadows or whatever? Rays evenly distributed about the city. Soggy city. Pretty sure that term is taken by, like, Seattle or something. Whatever. What do we call this place, then? It's cloudy a lot. In the summers, it's really really really green.
Happy Thanksgiving, I suppose, although it doesn't really feel like a holiday at all. Yeah, well. Holidays haven't really felt like holidays since I was a kid. Not that I'm complaining. It's fine.
On Sunday, I went to Alexis's house for the first time. Liv was there. I put my head on her stomach, and her tummy kept growling because she ate some Denny's earlier that day and apparently it always messes up her stomach. She and Alexis work at Denny's, by the way.
We were gonna do homework, but me and Alexis ended up smoking weed instead. I think I got a little high, but not very much because I could still think in strings. When I'm actually high, I feel kinda like I'm in a flip book. Like, time keeps restarting and I'm always having to re-remember that I exist and shit. It's a little scary and unpleasant. Nothing's connected, you're just kinda untethered, floating. That's how it is for me anyway.
So yeah, I s'pose it was fun. We laughed a lot. But then, the next day I was mildly depressed, and it has stuck with me a little. I was depressed before smoking, to be fair, but not very much and I assumed it was because of my period??? The problem is, my period ended like four days ago. My bad mood should have cleared up when my period started. Yeah I don't even know.
I forget that weed always gets me feeling empty when I come down. I wonder why it does that. Maybe I just don't have as large a supply of dopamine or serotonin as other people. Honestly, I have no idea what weed does to the brain.
So this week has been shitty, emotionally. I'm always hatin' myself and hating the things I do. I ignore it, but it's there. Stupid memory foam amygdala.
I went to Brock's at some point, to work through my issues. Alexis was there, which I would have preferred she wasn't, but whatever. It's just that, because Alexis was there, I just... I feel like I was pushed into something faster than I could handle it??? I mean, I don't want her to know about the stuff I talked about. It's too late now, but um. That is how I feel.
I can't remember what Brock said exactly, but I know it was something along the lines of: Veronica, I'm not trying to say you're fucked up, but you're a little fucked up
He just. I was telling him about how I couldn't really discharge at Peer Leadership, and he said that it was probably because I was with inexperienced counselors and I am.... well, again, he didn't say fucked up exactly. He said something else that I can't remember. I guess you could say I'm a difficult case.
So basically I have to make the decision to do all this shit, work through my crap. On one level, I want to, but then I really don't. It hurts waaaay too much. I felt so drained after that conversation with Brock, so uncomfortable and spacey.
I don't like any of this. I don't wanna say I'd rather be emotionally scrambled for the rest of my life, but I also... really... don't.... want.... to do this.... it's so gross. So unclean. So embarrassing, so petty, so so so tiny I don't care I don't I don't.
I talked to Caroline yesterday. She came home for Thanksgiving (that probably could've gone without saying).
She was telling me I should just major in writing, rather than try to force myself to be something I'm not. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do now. major in English and Creative Writing. No, I don't look forward to all the readings and all the deadlines, all the "You must write an AMAZING short story by Whatever Date and Time"
Which is why I never wanted to be a writer in the first place.
Why would I want to hurt myself where I'm most sensitive, y'know? Why would I wanna drain all the love from a long time hobby? That's what school's going to do. In the end, I will probably be better at writing but it's gonna really suck while it's happening.
And then what. I get a job, writing more stuff with more deadlines?
But I guess Caroline is right. What else am I gonna do? Either way, I'm cramming writing into my life. Might as well /make/ it my life, since it's all I seem to think about anyways.
Today was the Turkey Trot, which is just a marathon or something, I'm not totally sure. I was a volunteer for Art Club.
It was kind of weird, because Ethan was there and I haven't seen or talked to him in forever. He and Caroline still love each other, according to Sandwich.
At first, that information came as kind of a shock. It seemed like a Bad Idea.
But I don't know. After seeing them today... I trust Caroline, and I still love Ethan. I miss Ethan.
Whatever. Everything will be okay.
Oh! Also, as we were leaving, Sandwich gave most of us a hug. This includes me :3 It made me really happy! I told Caroline that he smells like a father figure.
I wonder why I care about Sandwich and his opinion of me so much. Ah. A topic for another day. Or never. We shall seeeee.
Ethan annoyed me a total of 1 times, when Caroline brought up Adrian as my friend that I hate. Just the mention of Adrian frustrated me, just because I had been talking about him the night before in a frustrated way and it was just some leftover emotions, I guess. I'm not mad at him or anything.
But it irritated me when Ethan was implying that I didn't "hate" him at all.
It just annoys me when anyone thinks I have a thing for people I don't have a thing for. Like, I have to restrain anger and shit, because otherwise people think I have a crush on Adrian.
Not that I have to restrain myself a lot. We ARE friends. I may hate him but I like him too. What.
Point is, it just makes me feel like a child. As if I wouldn't realize if these feelings of anger stemmed from somewhere else. For awhile, I worried that they *did* come from some repressed romantic frustration or something. But, haha. Nope. Just regular frustration. Perhaps not normal, but nothing sweet about it.
Exhausted exhausted exhausted exhausted exhausted