LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-11-18 22:27:12 (UTC)

(if only she would stop with the talking)


"Mild Child" by The Shins

These tender old, smiling somber eyes
They win, they win
They survived and showed us how they could dance like angels
And as the light came on the glass, so soft
Some suns never set, just earn admonish
They crawl inside to hide away
From aged-old haters, and wink.
Besides, I tried to hide
But I recall the ailing eyes and what that felt like
Cause they were happy, laughing there
Before the daylight, in no pain

But don't allow yourself to make-believe in any kind of virtuous life.
Because each of us is both of them.
One blowing out, one breathing in.


November 18, 2016 Friday 9:28 PM

I've really been feeling The Shins lately. I've just listened to the whole Chutes Too Narrow album again, but I swear I've never heard Mild Child (it's actually on the So Says I album, I guess??), or if I did it just didn't catch me the way it did this time.

I've also been listening to "A Comet Appears" on repeat for at least a week. I realized just now that A Comet Appears is, like, my longest lasting favorite song. Like, I've had favorite songs before, but none that have just. Persisted.

I remember distinctly loving A Comet Appears in freshman year, but I knew The Shins for some time before that – so it's possible that A Comet Appears has been a favorite since middle school. Actually... I think I remember listening to it between 6th and 7th grade, which is the first time I remember getting depressed.

Maybe that's why I associate A Comet Appears with such sad stuff. Like, the sad memory of childhood summers and the realization that they were totally gone (I probably could've had a couple more "childhood summers" but me and my damn angst had to hole myself up in the house with a load of self-hate instead lol). Late nights, bad TV, going without showers for I think a week one time – I'd stay up til 6 AM and wake up at 2 PM, at the earliest, which only served to make me feel worse every night. That was when I started a diary on this site. Not this one. It was a different one. I think me and Lily shared it for awhile, but that was back when we were really close to each other.

So yeah. A Comet Appears, I associate with heat and a certain smell. Cut grass maybe? I'll know it when I smell it again. Also, it reminds me of orange sunlight. Oh! And also this one fantasy I had back then in which a bunch of kids were on an island murdering each other. This was before I had read Lord of the Flies, haha.

When I was little, I used to write constantly. I can't remember when I started. When I was cleaning my room a couple of months ago, I found a stack of old notebooks dating from first grade to eighth – maybe ninth? – grade. I mean, I knew they were there, but I hadn't looked at them in forever.

I used to think up the most ridiculous shit, and my hands would cramp up from all the scribbling.

I had this one imagined story where a girl lived on a perfectly round island, alone with her pet pegasus – or was it a pegacorn?

The island was split like a yin yan sign, with one half being all oppressive and dark, and the other being all beaches and summertime, which was the side the girl lived on. So some boy was supposed to have escaped from the bad part of the island onto the girl's part, and thus ensued an adventure! Except I could never figure out the story past their meeting. Instead, I imagined a romance between 'em. I really liked imagining romances. I did it every night. I actually still do, haha, but the idea of going near one in real life??? Makes me actually physically upset??? But that's a conversation for another time. It's probably something I need to get through in therapy.

Maybe I'm asexual or something, since I ain't interested in sex. Perhaps aromantic as well.

Still, even if I am, there's something vaguely unhealthy about the way I regard relationships. I don't know when I became so fucked in this department. I mean, I guess I have been fucked in most departments (all my fault) for a while, but I used to be fucked in a different way!

Like, I used to want a relationship because I wanted someone to make me feel pretty back when I used to do stupid stuff like cut myself.

But between 9th grade and now (jeez when was the last time I cut myself? I know that's irrelevant but I'm just kind of amazed that I've gone so long without doing it. I've thought about doing it, even recently, but I never go through with it and I just. Am so far away from whatever it was that used to motivate me??? What the fuck?).

Ahem.

Between 9th grade and now, I – god damn it. Why do I talk so much? I kind of hate how much I freaking write in this damn thing. And it's about Nothing. I'm like my grandma and grandpa – they don't really talk to me, they kind of just talk in my direction. They're verbose. They're wise. They go on tangents, they relay the past.

This is pretty much me but without the wise-ness.

God I hate myself sometimes haha. But I can't stop. I feel bad that this diary must take the brunt of all my repressed thoughts, I really do. I just don't talk this much in real life because no one ever seems very interested, obviously (I mean, I barely care myself, so why should they?). It needs to go somewhere though.

Sometimes, when I take a break from writ – holy fuck I just got super dizzy. I was movin' around like a fucking flower, swaying and all that.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Back to what I had been trying to say before I got stupid.

SOMETIME BETWEEN NINTH GRADE AND NOW, my desires have really changed??

I feel like Liv has cured any loneliness I had. I love her and I really miss her, since we barely see each other anymore. Obviously, me and Liv have just gotta get married, u feel.

Sometimes I like the idea of relationships. Then I remember how much grossness you've gotta climb through in order to get to a good place with another human being. And just. Ugh. Ugh! Ugh. In this sense, I know I'm pretty immature. But leave me alone! I'm emotionally fragile, of course I don't wanna fucking... do all that.

(Everyone's emotionally fragile, you piece a' shit, don't use it as an excuse!)

Self – self. Please, refrain from calling me names. It's not like you even expect me to take your advice. I'm using it as an excuse whether you like it or not.

(Sigh. I know. I'm sorry. Sometimes I just can't control myself.)

Yep. I've noticed.

--------

I've been thinking about talking to Brock about my stupid emotional issues. I'm really invested in Peer Leadership, but I just can't seem to, like. Do it? I mean. I'm not making progress like other people – I feel like I'm just... there. Most of the time.

In Peer Leadership, you're supposed to get past your inhibitions, become a more content human being???

I am content, but I know I still have stuff to deal with. I just don't want to do it with an audience. Unfortunately, an audience makes the process much, much, much more efficient. I have seen it happen.

There was one meeting with only five people and Bruce had me be a client in a demonstration in which we discussed my intimacy problems, and I swear that is the most I have moved in a long time. I feel like I actually made some progress in that shit storm.

I trust Brock in a way that I do not trust a lot of people. I mean, it's because he's a counselor and he's forced into confidentiality unless I tell him I'm going to kill myself which, if were feeling suicidal, I wouldn't tell anyone anyways. Except for you, diary. You, unfortunately, get everything pretty much.

Except for a sliver. You will never get that sliver.

Anyway, I don't know. I feel like Brock can help me somehow. I'm just not sure how to ask him. I don't wanna be a burden or anything, which is one of those phrases you've gotta watch out for.

"I don't wanna be a burden."

In my experience, that's often a stupid, baseless thought. I mean, when I hear other people say it. When I say it, I get the feeling it is baseless, but I'm pretty sure I 100% think it the truth.

Still: I don't want to be a burden.

And I don't want to cry. That is an important one. I hate crying.

Plus, I'm not even sure I wanna go through The Stuff (*some lady from a black and white horror movie screams*). I just know that I should.

Hah! I really, really hate myself with every word I type!

--------

There's this weird fluctuation I've come to expect in friendships. Usually, it's like a rocky, awkward beginning, and then there's a slightly less awkward time in which an acquaintance-slash-friend really likes me and I maybe like them too, and then there's the part where I'm pretty sure they are starting to realize that I'm just like everyone else and they get all disappointed.

It varies, and sometimes there's a little temporary hate thrown in.

Like with Sarah, I just. I feel like I'm always caught in the first stage of friendship with that girl.

She's just so private. Outwardly, she's super extraverted and charming, but like, then she just shuts off on some level. I'm pretty sure she's got some degree of depression. She's so stressed out a lot of the time, and sometimes she just kind of recedes into herself as much as an extravert can. I know something is wrong (wrong in a way that she's probably used to, though), but I don't know how to get her to talk. I'm not even sure I want to.

I also feel like my friendship with Isaac is somehow headed for Doom.

I wish I would stop treating him as Not Just a Friend. I really don't know what the fuck or why the fuck.

(Side note: I'm worried I have a bit of a dirty mouth.)

I just kind of do. That's the way I treated Adrian at first too, and it took me awhile to shake that, which was super annoying. I don't mean to be flirty! I really hope I am imagining any flirting on my part!!! It just fucking happens naturally!!!

I hate it. It's so dishonest, ugh.

I just. I hear myself "giggling" (gross) in Isaac's presence instead of just laughing, and my voice gets higher ???? I wonder if it's just a natural response.

Isaac is really pretty and really smart, but as with many things, I don't trust it.

He's not dishonest. Not even close. He's far from being an Adrian (no offense to Adrian – seriously, I love Adrian. Adrian!!! If you ever read this!!! I love you even when I really hate you!!! Please don't ever read this).

I just know I will find something "wrong" with him, though. It will be my fault too. It will probably be something that doesn't really matter, too, and I'll dwell on it until I need to distance myself from him.

It is getting closer to DOOM, people, I tell you.

Especially 'cause he has now told me, multiple times, that I am a cool person and that he doesn't say that about just anyone.

(which, duh, I believe it – Isaac doesn't seem particularly hateful, but he doesn't really like people either. He also doesn't seem the type to give people the benefit of the doubt. Neutral, is what you could call that, I guess, although I suspect there's some damage pushing it over onto the negative side. If that makes sense. Which it probably Does Not.)

It when we like each other the most that it often goes to shit. How else would it go? There's always gonna be a high before a low.

I'm trying not to let it get to me. It will make things worse if I think about how these things usually go, especially since I'm probably just being cynical and all that.

-------


Sandwich said he talked to Ethan last weekend.

Ethan is suicidal and drugged up and drunk and stuff.

He's a freaking genius. He got through high school without trying. Sandwich told me he barely ever went to his classes but he still go straight A's.

Also, he and Caroline are talking again.

And they are in love with each other.

Again.

I'm not gonna bother pretending to be angry or anything.

I'm still just confused.

Didn't he hurt her? Like, physically, did he not choke her during an anger fit? Didn't they just have a really fucked up relationship?

It just doesn't seem all that healthy, but Caroline doesn't really talk about this stuff so maybe it's not as horrific as it looks from the outside.

It's just, sometimes I remember when they were dating in high school and I used to go along with Ethan's jokes. He'd make fun of her appearance and stuff, and I just thought that was his sense of humor but I think sometimes it really got to Caroline. Really hurt her.

I don't know. I wish Ethan was never our neighbor. Because it's not like I don't want him to be around. I really miss him. I mean, not viscerally, but I think about him a lot and he's in my dreams sometimes. He's in videos on my phone and he was there for us when my dog died. He hugged me really hard and then he took me out to play with the kittens. That still makes me cry. Not to be all sentimental and shit, but yeah, it really meant a lot to me.

Now I'm thinking about Elise, too. I don't want to think about that.

Anyway, so... yeah. Okay. I miss Ethan and I miss having an almost-brother, but like. That's not coming back. And I wonder if it's better, not having him around. For Caroline, I mean. And maybe for me too. He was really harsh sometimes.

He and Sandwich are really similar in their stabbing sense of humor. Maybe that's why I kind of ache of Sandwich's approval. That's how I always felt with Ethan too. He was the big kid I wanted to impress. Ew.

It's the same reason I'm always careful around Sandwich too, though. I care too much, although I'm pretty sure Sandwich doesn't think I care. I don't think he realizes how cool I think he is. That is another thing I don't feel like thinking about today.

Ugh! My original point had been that maybe it would've been nice if Ethan had never been around. I guess that's kind of a pointless thing to think about, though.

He was here. Ta-da.

I don't know. We'll see what happens.

I really hope he's okay. I don't want him to be sad.


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