Kitten

Confessions of madness
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2016-11-17 11:31:31 (UTC)

Hi, I'm an alcoholic.

I never thought I'd hear myself saying those words and yet I've had to say them alot recently. I thought I'd be better than my alcoholic father and wouldn't abusive alcohol, I knew how it destroyed lives, families and trust. I thought I would be different.
I've always liked the taste of alcohol even from a young age, sipping the dreggs of my grandmothers wine, the odd sip of brandy or sherry here and there, the one small champagne at family weddings, It all tasted good. Then when I hit teenage years and drinking cider was a norm in our social group, getting drunk was fun. I saw how much alcohol had taken over my father life, drinking secretly and alone, not caring about anyone else, doing everything under the influence yet I still didn't realise how easy it was to slip into that lifestyle.
When I became of legal drinking age suddenly this behind closed doors acivity took over, nights down the pub or out on the town, cheap bottles of whiskey and vodka the rest of my nights, everything started to revolve around alcohol. If there wasn't alcohol, I wasn't there. I didn't mean to get drunk every night but I could never just have one. I had also started drinking when faced with problems "Just a bit of dutch courage" I'd tell myself as I took a few shots of whatever was lying around when my mother went off on one. It became second nature.

I'd say the last year has been bad but in all truth its the last 3 or 4. In my last year with my last job I was drinking everyday, before work, after work, sometimes during. Now I work from home and I did the same. For the last year I have started drinking from 9 in the morning. When I did go out with friends or my partners friends I'd get blind drunk, everytime.

My father was an angry drunk. I can still remember clearly the times he'd throw things, lash out, scream and swear. As a person he's the most quiet kind gentle person I have ever met, when drunk he was a monster. So I based my drinking habits on his, reassuring myself I couldn't be an alcoholic, I was never an angry drunk, I never caused pain while drunk so I was fine. The night I realised I was an alcoholic was the night I got violent with the man I'm going to marry. I thankfully didn't physically hurt him but emotionally I threw alot of hurtful blows and was a hair away from physical violence. I'd hit the low I thought would never come. I opened my eyes to what I had become and realised how much I'd impacted everything with my drinking on a daily basis and how much I stood to lose.

I'm an alcoholic, and this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. There is rarely a moment alcohol doesn't take over my thoughts, its been two months now and I still struggle through everyday without a drink. Until now I never saw how much alcohol steers me through life, I can't see friends anywhere near a bar, going out for meals is terrifying and even going to see family knowing they'll pull out a bottle of wine is haunting. The worst thing is noone else understands how hard this is, like I can just stop drinking and that'll be it or they tell me that surely this won't be forver, I'll be able to drink again sometime. I wasn't prepaired for the mental conditioning that this involves.

My name's Hannah and I'm an alcoholic.
I need a drink.


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