šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2016-11-15 19:29:38 (UTC)

This Concept of Change.

It's 0629 and I've been awake since 0530 or so. Another day of facing the ordeal.
This entry is all about me getting real.
This mental health group facilitator is a partial 'basketcase' of unhealed injury. I see it, I hear it, I feel it when I'm around her. I admire those who are survivors of the New Zealand Mental Health system (a formidable institution) and go on to work in community mental health HOWEVER it's really important to keep healing. How can you take someone on a journey if you haven't taken that journey yourself? I threaten this facilitator. I'm tired of mental health so maybe this was all meant to happen.
Change is a difficult wonderful thing when it involves work on the inside. I hate hate hate hate pain. It's a teacher though and pain has it's message.
This woman from 12-step recovery came into my life. Another power-tripper. She bought me old meat packs and she also brought a shitload of her emoti9nal baggage with her and decided -unasked of course- to unpack it in front of me then take no responsibility for it.
After she left her visit affected me for days : the things she said, the way she behaved. The sort of stuff and people that I need to strengthen myself against. Five minutes after she drove away, she text to say she wouldn't be texting anymore for a while and that she'd catch me up at meetings. A few days later, she was texting again. In two weeks of contact with this woman she had sent me around two hundred text messages. I was getting tired. She wasn't doing the work - I was.
I simply stopped texting.
She sent two texts yesterday in the midst of this mental health crisis. My ex-mental health nurse is her friend. I want NOTHING to do with these women and mental health. I'm getting real about my recovery life.
I'm going to keep going. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm scared. I'm brave. I'm loved. God has my very mortal back and the backs of those I love. I love those two women who are 12-steppers and the mh facilitator, however I've outgrown them.
I'm getting real about my personal safety. God? Please keep me real.




Ad: