LustingforNightmares

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2016-11-14 17:39:31 (UTC)

the What


Chopin Nocturne Op. 48 No. 1 played by Ashkenazy

[I LOVE this version.
I started reading this piece a couple days ago and I'm about a page in. It's like six frickin' pages, and Chopin makes your hands go everywhere which is kind of annoying to learn but fun once you've got the hang of it. Anyway, ya.]

November 14, 2016 Monday 4:41 PM


I have been gone (from this site) for almost two weeks. That is rare. Hmm. I guess I've just been busy. I have been happy! But busy. And now I'm stressed out and unhappy, but that will pass. I thank my past self for current perspective.

I am really, really, really stressed.

And when I get really, really, really stressed, I lose function.

And when I lose function, I get really, really, really, REALLY stressed.

I hope this is not what happens.

I'm just. Starting to freak out.


1. Everyone else in the class has decided on freaking Epidemiological Project except for me. I mean, I have, technically, but I'm starting to really not like the subject I chose and I want to move on to something else, but our deadline for that was like a week and a half ago and on November 22nd, we need to have found at least 9 of the scientific papers we will be using to write our 30 page paper.

I'm just feelin' the pressure. Once I get solid footing, this assignment won't be as hard, but right now I'm just going crazy with indecision.


2. I have a Biology subject test in three weeks and I'm scared I won't have the time to study, and then I'll end up with a lame grade. Like, on Math 2 I got a 640 (I was dumb to take that, though – I thought that since I was really good at Precalc, it'd be okay, but then I remembered that I really suck at math otherwise). I got a 740 on Lit, which is typically regarded as a good score for that particular test, but I may decide to retake it anyways, depending on whether or not I have time to study.


3. I need to revise my college essay, I need to revise my college essay, I need to revise my college essay.


4. I NEED TO FUCKING??!?! APPLY TO COLLEGES??? LIKE, ACTUALLY FILL OUT THE COMMONAPP??? GOd damn it.


5. Plus I have a lot of homework.


Sleeping is hard.My hippocampus is gonna shrink. My amygdala will eventually take over my entire brain. And then I will blow my brains onto the walls.

To calm myself down last night, I started thinking about running away to Canada haha. I have about $500, which isn't a lot, but I think it's maybe enough to get me close to the border. I guess I'd need a passport, which I don't have. Hmm.

And then there's a problem: I love my parents and my sister. So, like. How would I keep in contact with them without giving away my location?

I will be homeless in Canada. I will bring with me a notebook and a lot of writing utensils and that is the way I will live. I want to stop using my brain. I'm done. Fuck it.

I've been bad about my pills, too. I keep skipping them. It's like they don't even matter. I know they do, and it's not good to just stop taking my antidepressants like *snap* that, 'cause who knows what'll happen, but I just WANT to.

I really want to. I wonder if they even do anything for me. What is it they're holding down? I think I can survive without them. Of course, I thought the same thing when I was 15. I did survive. I just wasn't happy. But I'm not sure I can give the pills credit for how I've changed.


IN OTHER NEWS.

Been feelin' really fucking jaded since last Wednesday. I mean. The world's not gonna end.

Just.

I guess it's the same question on a lot of people's minds.

How can you just look past all the horrible things he's said? You just... ignore it?

There's a lot I just don't understand about what happened here, and a lot I don't want to think about. Half the time it doesn't bother me, and other times I'm pretty sure its stuck under my skin, solidifying some of the more cynical parts of myself??

I like to say that no one is truly stupid and no one is truly bad.

But, like. I guess I can say I'm very disappointed. I've known humanity was dirty in this way, but I have faith that we'll become aware – eventually – of the shitty things we do.

Then I remember that the masses are not a collective brain.

All this good stuff that humanity builds – it only ever seems to come about after so much work. It's way more natural to let everything fall to shit. People, me included, don't like doing work though – and it just seems like we've got a lot of bad going on, and very little is being done to counteract it???

So this whole election thing, it just. It doesn't seem like we're going anywhere. Maybe we won't go backwards, but I can't really see us going forward either.

I'm just so mad! God. Get out of your own head (and that's coming from me lol). Think about what's best for the nation. Realize that nothing good is simple, and nothing good is fast. (Well, not nothing, but whatever).

Also, never listen to me ever because I believe what I'm saying, but I also didn't think it through too much. Like everyone else, I'm guided by emotion and stuff. Personally, though, I feel my view of the world keeps more folks safe and, like... happy.

Jesus, I gotta stop thinking about this. Mmm. And so ends a badly written entry.

(In case you were wondering, future self: nope, I did not proof-read, sorry. Cringe all ya want. Ain't gonna change a thing.)



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