šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2016-11-14 14:56:43 (UTC)

Unable To Sleep.

Having a difficult time of slowing down, turning off and putting aside this recent problem of mental health approaching CYF without my knowledge and consultation.
I need to write again or it will continue to have a hold over me and I will lose even more sleep. It's 0200! I've lost a lot of sleep over the years and especially the last few years because of my family trials. This stuff isn't easy. I can't afford to let it become debilitating for me. I've been through enough of that. I don't want to go through this again.

A temporary change of topic :

I think there are South African scammers on here people. Watch out for entries that say they are working from cyber cafes. Then they message you and ask if they can be friends, where are you from and how old you are. I'm not answering any of those questions.

Doesn't appear that my-diary.org give a fuck about the random sex diary that appears amongst my diary entries listed on Google under Amber-Rose, so I've changed my diary account name again. Little did I realise that Amber-Rose is a real, live celeb. I'd rather not be synonymous with her ; she has a fame all of her own and I'm not in that category at all. The things I do without realizing it. She's absolutely gorgeous though.

Back to the problem at hand :

1. I can't contact anyone right now. It's the middle of the night.
2. Mulling over the recent conversation and my angry reaction to it isn't getting me anywhere.
3. I need to face this thoroughly dislikeable social worker and I cannot function well on lack of sleep.
4. The reality is that I have just gotten out of relapse and this will reflect badly on myself. I will only come across as irresponsible. CYF only see the relapse. They don't give a fuck as to why it has come about.
5. I need to stay away from recovery people who think they are helping with their unsolicited advice and who also have no understanding of family problems that involve government agencies.
6. I need to keep practicing self-kindness no matter what because I am one anxious mess again over my family problems. This can't go on.
7.How THE FUCK do I keep recovering with so very much still going on?
It seems like the wound is huger than the means to heal it.

I'm glad that I came back to write some more down. I'm an anxious mess. My guts is churning. My head hurts and my facial muscles are filled with rock hard tension. The nerves in one of my teeth is hurting.
I had such a lovely weekend with very few difficult parts and because of the recent anxiety work, I never felt anxious once. Then during my ride home, the news came that has knocked me for a six. It will be twelve hours soon since I heard the news. Twelve hours of almost continuous discomfort and anxiety. This is not okay. The news has made a negative impact on me once again. When will this end?




Ad: