theolor

MyDarknessLives
2016-11-06 11:53:00 (UTC)

worthless/hope

I wrote this on Thursday, November 3rd 2016, I have not had internet from that day until just now.​

I have not been having great sleep but I have been having good dreams… Dreams, I just wish sometimes I could stay asleep for a long time. It’s true that mental illness is a lonely and solitary experience. I got paid today so I went out and did my errands, I got a new phone which I needed for a long time and an inexpensive mp3 player so I don’t have to rely on my phone and using data. I spent an hour converting music to mp3 and storing the songs in my mp3 player. Played with M on battlefield 1, I had fun but I was getting really stressed and angry and he went to go eat so I turned off my xbox, about 10 mins later when he asked me to get back on I found I have no internet.

Life sure is boring with no internet but that’s not all I feel, I went out to enjoy the cool night air and listened to some music for a while at my spot, seeing the stars. I have felt this intense feeling of loneliness and sadness building up. When I get super lonely I imagine that I have two friends with me and we are like 14 or 15 but it just ends up making me feel even more lonely. I do have real friends and M was asking me to come hang out with him and two other friends at gamestop to wait for the new CoD to come out. There was universe answering my loneliness but I didn’t want to go, I know this is messed up but it just feels like the loneliness that I am experiencing cannot be filled with my real friends, I want to be 14 again right now, when life was brighter and it was just before my mental illnesses developed. I guess that’s what depression does to you, it blinds you to what you have and force you to wish for something else, something you imagine to be perfect. It sucks all the joy from you and hangs over you like a dark, enveloping, malevolent cloud. You keep walking through life, dull and lifeless. The world forever a shade of gray.

And then as you sulk through life depression puts out a foot and trips you and then as you try to rise it kicks you in the ribs, 2, 3, 4 times, and when you can hardly move it puts its foot on your head and pushes your head down into the dirt and taunts you, “You can’t do anything, you are weak and helpless. I have taken everything from you and you can’t even defend yourself from me. You are nothing, worthless, not even human you are a dog and dogs belong in the dirt. Come on spot get up, we got stuff to do, tell ya what, Ill dangle a doggy bisket (Hope) and you can follow it before I take it away again.” This dark cloud of depression pulls you up and makes you feel hope, see light, then trips you again saying “Sike, you you really think it be that easy? Did you really think you were done dealing with me? “
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Something amazing happened.
I left off there but something amazing happened, the new Cod came out today well tonight, midnight release and my friends have been pushing me to go but I didn’t want to, today has honestly been very hard on my heart and soul, I faced some of the worst depression I have ever felt but it changed in one moment. I decide to go to gamestop an hour before the game came out and I seen M there and his cousin and I get my slip and go outside and sit down next to M and his cousin who were standing up. His cousin walks off to do idk what but M sits down next to me and shows me the bracelets he got tonight because they were giving them out and he was telling me what they said, he said “Hey do you want this red one?” and he gave it to me. The fact that he sat down next to me and gave me a bracelet the way he did it really turned my night around. He is an awesome dude and my soul brother as I call it, we both have been through a lot and we are always here for each other but I feel I don’t deserve a friend as awesome as M, this act of kindness and generosity really touched my heart – to think he thinks of me like a soul brother too. I just never think anyone thinks highly of me like that. Thank you god for putting a friend like M in my life. This small act of friendship changed me in a good way. And now when I feel all alone I have this bracelet to prove I am not alone.


Video to go with entry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hDaU4Zu0Lk




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