wet blanket
2016-11-05 08:12:38 (UTC)


So I guess another transition...

I have been feeling good lately.. great even. I haven't written in my diary much, which usually means I'm not in a bad place often. Honestly now when I'm alone I at least feel more.. satisfied? like.. with life?

So I started doing fitness which I haven't done in a long time and it's really changed my perspective on a lot of things. I've been resisting the urges to eat shitty food so easily because I think about the hard work I'd be throwing away if I did.
I'm happier. My skins clearing up. My muscles are growing back. My energy is consistent.
I'm training hard, I mean anything is hard for someone who hasn't done any fitness in a long time but I really am training hard. Even for someone who does go to the gym often.
I'm pushing myself. I'm regaining self control. Without starving myself.
I had tried starving myself a lot when I was younger. My sister was always skinnier than me and I guess that got to me. Then as I grew it felt like everyone was skinnier than me or had fat in all the right places. I haven't done it so much through my and Brad's relationship. I always felt tired when I didn't eat and everything was so much effort, on top of that you're constantly at war with yourself telling yourself not to eat and beating yourself up when you do.
I guess in the end I figured out that never works.
So here I am for once with a sort of positive entry. I hope life keeps getting better. There's just two huge things that I need to change and then I know I will be so much happier
1. Get a new job
2. Save money
It gives me hope now that I can see myself making a positive impact on my life with the gym and stuff but.. I still don't know. I really need to change those two things because I hate my job so much and I just never save money. I always spend it on stupid things and stress so much and it's only a year until I'm 20. But tonight I did make a big step. I told myself I wouldn't drink.
And I won't. Just because it's a Saturday night and I'm going to my friends house doesn't mean I have to drink. At least I have my cigarettes. I'll deal with that addiction another time.