MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2016-11-04 06:54:28 (UTC)

Ready to Attept Revival

A day or two have passed since my last entry and I feel good, the on-edge feeling resonating but today I decide I will set an alarm to make up tomorrow, I want to wake up feeling capable, I want to test my ability to be happy and functional, I want to go for a walk daily, I want to create a beautiful scrapbook page, I want to earn back the giggling, gleeful nights Kyle and I used to enjoy. Not for anyone but myself. It's time to test the idea of preparing for a regular life without the stress of requirement.

Dr. Gupta tells me the more I am sincere with my emotions the more conditioned to them I will become. I am sad that my manic periods have introduced a caricature of myself who is vulgar, and in some senses horrendous. I am resentful that I've spent my formative years being mad and been unable to fuel my own passions. I am confused as to how to proceed, do I lead myself as though those years weren't lost, focus on the career my peers would have focused on in their teens? Do I conduct my future based on where I am now, interested with my career but equally focused on progressing my relationship, house purchase, dates, in-laws? I feel tired of the struggle, i feel unsure of my proclamations of pride and optimism in regards to this disorder. I feel caught between the possibility for greatness, and the terror of failure. I counter my attempt at importance with big-picture thinking. "Knowing is not as good as loving, loving is not as good as enjoying."

I believe I can feel better. What do I need to do?




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