šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2016-10-31 08:42:28 (UTC)

21:42 Monday night.

The daughter walked with me to the train stop today and the little baby was fast asleep in the pram.
Gave them both a kiss and 'I love you' and ran onto the train. Whenever she walks with me to the train she takes me through the pedestrian underpass, which is a semi-lit tunnel and it freaks me right out. I usually cross over a busy road via the pedestrian crossing. The traffic is always courteous and I think it's perfectly safe however the daughter thinks it's faster and equally safe to use the underpass. I just don't like ever being closed in a tunnel with foot traffic. It's twice I've used it and both times I had visions of being attacked by knife wielding psychopaths.
My anxiety and imagination tend to be wielded together on safety issues.
It was safe and faster both times. I guess it depends on what time of the day and never use it at nightfall/nighttime unless there's a whole bunch of commuters - but then again...

Slept for most of the journey back southwards and got off in the city - not my town - this time, as I had to meet TMF there so we could do some paperwork for a sub-contracting application. There are many disagreements between him and I as to what should be drafted into these applications and he does make the job harder for me for various aggravating reasons that are guided by ego and stubbornness on his part and truthful information and integrity on my part. I hate being part of a "resume racket".
I'm not going to help him do another one. That's a total of four I've helped him with this year and one last year. What further pisses me off is that he usually procures work through other channels and means in his field of industry, that doesn't entail telling whoppers. Go figure...I'm tired of figuring this one out.

Sunday night (@ the daughters' / son-in-law), is always a poignant time for me as the two older grandchildren return to their guardian home. It's a loss. I see it as a loss then hope whispers a little lightness into this burdened heart of mine and I feel a little more peaceful. I'm rewarded with the third grandchild - the little baby - returning home again and this lightens my heart further.

I'm pretty tired, however, there is one very special turn of events in my life. I have an additional recovery friend / slash / more of a support person return to my life path, to walk with me a while. It's been an important step for me in achieving sobriety. I just think that this may work! I'm 5 days clean and I want to double that to ten days clean.

Feeling burdened again today as I return to my life of being on my own. I don't mind living alone, however I am alone with my problems and this can get very heavy and constant. This is helping - journalling - and my new (but old) recovery friend is helping me to rocket through the quagmire - or should I say darkened underpass - that is my head and heart? She's a dangerous neighborhood to be in alone - my mind. Better to take a friend on the journey who has conquered hers with 18 years sobriety and still has unconquered territory to declare war on. We are mirrors to each other us humans. Giants walk among us disguised as ordinary, yet extraordinary people.

"God. Grant ME the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity, courage and wisdom. Three small yet extraordinarily important and powerful tools for progress to health, well-being and reasonable happiness. I guess that's another way of seeing sobriety.

Old attitudes and behaviours die a very hard and long death with this addict.

Change is not easy at the best of times. God is helping me to find new perspectives on long-term problems. Two or more minds is better than just my mind. I think this makes sense.

"It works if I work at it." 12-step slogan.

23 years later after first being introduced to 12-step programs, there's stuff that I have never forgotten : whether I heard it, saw it, asked after it or was told it directly.

Following on from the entry "I Don't Know What Is Going On", I got the courage up to ask if things have changed with visitation rights (children/weekends) and my second-guessing - or is that deductive logic? - was correct. There has been another positive change as the daughter has told me.

Looking back over my four drug relapses in my lifetime - alcohol is a drug and included here - not one of them has been the same yet the same continuum towards dangerous times and fatality has been travelled. It's a miracle that this, my shortest one ever, has not been as bad as the other three or even when I originally started using. Okay I've pulled off a huge amount of privacy cover, so I'm going to stop. This is emotionally painful. Deeply so. I can feel it increase and gather into a rock solid ball of pain as I write.

Uncovering painful areas in life.

I must be completely nuts or completely brave to want to write my autobiography. Maybe I'm both. No wonder I've drunk over this, it's almost beyond catharsis. Lord. Help me to adhere to safe belief systems and frameworks as I write my story. Help me to be brave beyond what I believe I am capable. I want the pain to heal not end in suicide. Lord help me to be gentle with myself throughout the whole process. God do not let my primary motives slip away from me during this writing project ordeal, because surely what's left of my unwanted ego will render me incapable of completing this project with the spirit in which it has always been intended.

Sobriety has benefits that reach beyond my wildest dreams. Will my heart be restored to sanity? I'll find sobriety even if it takes me a lifetime.

I fused two quotes :

"Kindness is my religion. I am no longer accepting the things which keep me from Serenity's door."

"Some of the most meaningful work in the world is done by people who are too tired to do it." Robert L. Backman.

23:04 and gnite.





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