✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Roots
Dear Reader,
I was a fucked up kid. Honestly.
I did so much shit that I regret and hate myself for every single day. Things that taint everything in my life.
The roots to everything..
Serious shit that I can't talk about. Not here, not now.
I don't know how to deal with it.. the ever increasing guilt, the self-loathing... the everyday reminder of what I was... or what I did.
The person whose memories I can't purge from my head..
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of it.. that it doesn't come in my head... There's a lot of things that trigger the memories.. and once they resurface.. it's hard to breathe.. it's hard to shake the overwhelming guilt... it's hard to re-bury it. It's hard not to hate myself.. it's literally like being haunted.
And the ghosts live in my head.
I can't talk about it with anyone.. and I really don't want to. I don't even want to acknowledge it.. I don't want to accept that it was real, and that it happened.. and that it's part of me.. writing and dodging around it, and being indirect.. is as close as I can get and last time it nearly brought me to a panic attack.
But it resurfaces all the time.. and I can't stop it.. it's grown 1000% worse since I graduated...
And the only thing that seems to be working lately.. keeping it at bay.. keeping it inside. Keeping me sane.. is writing these sometimes.. I know they don't make sense.. but it does to me.
It's bubbling over and I'm far from ready to face it right now..
I wish I could be someone else.
I wish I could make myself forget..
One day when I leave this place and am far away, I'll release it.
I'll let myself feel it.. and I'll try to move passed it...
I'll try to figure it out.. I want to learn how to live.. because it honestly controls my life...
but at the same time.. I don't want to.. because it was just so awful and disgusting.. and absolutely unforgivable.. that I don't even believe I deserve to find peace... I don't believe I deserve to be free of it..
I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve forgiveness. I don't deserve love..
I feel guilty for even wanting to improve my life.. for wanting to move on.. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy..
Because the damage I caused will last a lifetime.
Sincerely,
FuckedUp
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