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Elsewhere (with a side of qfluesbaifuwehBJSXU)
"Bonfire" by Waxahatchee [this is not a cold song, but I couldn't think of anything else]
you got your mind set on it
losing me over the head on it
you splatter your logic like
i came here to see the first day of your life
the speed of light fixates on you
moving through time, a failing pursuit
give off a spark, you light up the room
you got your heart broken now
you unfold it when you're falling down
you tell me she was boring you
she keeps ticking behind glass walls, good as new
the speed of light's over your head
moving through night, faces you'll forget
you ask a lot, she said go ahead
he said go ahead
i say go ahead
October 24, 2016 Monday 3:31 PM
DISCLAIMER: I am very tired and as a result, I have had a very hard time expressing myself. So.... that is my excuse for all the terrible sentences I will write in this entry. fhajklwmqdpeofm. <today's emotion
Today, all is not well in my world. Nothing bad.
It's just... like... the first day in which I actually preferred New Visions to my regular high school (socially. Academically, I always prefer New Visions).
As usual, I talked mostly to Sarah and Chris at New Visions. I also talked briefly with Other Joe (or whatever I called him before), but that was only to "help" him with assignments. I didn't really help haha.
At regular school, Lily was kinda the highlight of my day. We were both sleepy and stupid. See, that's what I love about Lily more than anything else. Neither of us are legitimately stupid, but we're kinda comfortable acting dumb with each other. Kind of like how I talk to my sister.
And I know this is a bit counterintuitive, but I also like the distance between Lily and I. I feel like part of why we've been friends for so long is that we give each other space. So when we talk to each other, it's like we've entered a different world. There is a lack of consequences.
Anyway, I very much appreciate Lily.
Somewhere in here, I love Liv too, but it's not very strong today. I feel mildly estranged from her – but that's okay. That happens sometimes. It always snaps back to normal.
For a second, I thought I finally really liked Adrian again. As in, I had no leftover feelings of annoyance; I could just enjoy his friendship like I used to.
It's not that I'm annoyed with him. I'm just.. underwhelmed?
We talked for a good hour and a half (7th and 8th period) but in the end, I was glad to get away. I was tired of my stupid thoughts and stupid words. And I was tired of Adrian, too.
The first half of the conversation flowed pretty well. But then sometimes Adrian starts talking about stuff and I just.. don't know why??? Like, he'll bring up sad stuff out of nowhere. Or he'll talk about a concern and then say it doesn't concern him very much at all.
It all leaves me very confused. Does he care or not? Is he sad or not? What is he trying to say?
(Side note: I am unenthusiastic about myself today, too. In my memory, my own voice is kinda screechy and terrible. I'm roadkill, still twitching.
Sandwich told a story about how once he saw an Opossum on the road. It's head had been crushed by a car, but the rest of the body was fine – and its babies were still suckling at its teats!)
Part of it is that today... I just don't feel right. Probably because I didn't get much sleep. I stayed up finishing some homework because I am an idiot.
Still, I predict I will feel bad at the end of the week too. Let's see how it goes, though. I hope I'm okay. That pit I got into a few weeks ago was kind of darker than I'm used to and I really don't want to go back. I just wanna keep going up until I just... become someone else!
Up and up and up.
So yeah. Adrian is okay, but at some point, conversation with him becomes tedious. I think he demands too much, or at least I get the impression that he demands too much. Not literally – just, our conversations never really stay lighthearted.
I like lighthearted!
With Adrian, they always take a turn for the dark. From lollipops and candy to watching a neighbor choke to death on a tootsie roll or something. Hah. Point is, it always becomes... sort of... reflective. He talks about his past self and how different he was just a year ago (is he, though?). And then he makes vague references to some unknown memories.
A few years ago, I would have loved Adrian. He would've been heaven-sent – an ideal. I wanted to talk about my problems. I wanted someone who would understand! That, and Adrian is good at presenting himself as this idiosyncratic artist type, or a kind of low-key genius with a flair for philosophy, I guess.
He is genuinely very smart. I don't know about everything else. It's the same story as always: I don't trust him.
And I guess I'm different in what I crave. Like I said: 14 year old me would've latched onto an Adrian if it were possible. Depressed people drawn towards other depressed people... anyway.
Now, I'm just elsewhere. I love people for conversations.
Liv, because we can talk about anything; it never ever feels like a weight, even with the bad stuff.
Alexis: we talk about the world and life and we joke around.
I'm not as close with Isaac, but if we were to talk for long periods of time, we'd talk the about the universe and art and books and TV.
(Aw, man. Isaac is so cool. I'm so hesitant about this, though. It seems he likes me as a person! Perhaps close friendship is a go?????? I'm betting on not, but mostly because that's the safer bet and because I care way too much about the outcome, haha. I hate when I want things. So much emotional turmoil! Heh. I'm ok.)
I already told you why I like Lily.
Laney, because I get the same thing out of our friendship that I get out of Lily's. A no-pressure atmosphere.
I like Adrian because. Because. Because. Because I used to like him. I like him because I used to like him, and because sometimes I want his company. I used to like that he showed me cool art and music. I used to like listening to his stories and stuff.
I don't love when he shows me stuff anymore. I feel kind of overwhelmed by all the information. I'm flattered that he thinks I'd enjoy something, but... yeah. Adrian knows this, so he doesn't send me stuff as often anymore.
I don't always love his stories anymore. I can't explain it. He's not even boring. It's just this underlying mistrust, I guess. Conversation with Adrian is walking through fuckin' clouds. It's not as cool as it sounds and I can't see for shit!
For most people, I have saved a general shape of Who They Are in my head.
But Adrian??? I can never see all of him. And he's always morphing. There are some constants in his personality, but otherwise, I just feel so lost and wrong. It's kind of like depression – where you're stuck looking at something way up close. And you can't see how it looks from afar. Sorry, sorry. I'm just trying to emphasize this.... the fact that I'm overwhelmed by Adrian.
And somehow also underwhelmed. Because I'm never really satisfied with our conversations. I'm just... confused and doubting and I do not desire any more social interaction.
How can a single person make you feel that way?
Actually, I'm feeling that way right now too. My words are crowded. It's too much. I'm not interested. That's sad – it's sad when even you're not interested in your own words.
Does that even make sense?
I am just wondering why I am friends with Adrian. Sometimes, I really do want to be around him! But it seems more often than not... yeah. This sucks! I don't want to stop being his friend.
Why don't I want to stop being his friend?
Sorry, I know this topic isn't super interesting. I'm just so invested in this. I need to know why I behave the way I behave... and why Adrian behaves in the way that he does.
I neEEEEED TO KNOW. I will know.
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