Petty Stupid Stuff, As Usual
"Girl From North Country" by Bob Dylan [a lot of dylan lately, I know. He was alll over NPR after getting a nobel prize - that and the fall weather revived my love for folk-ish stuff]
October 22, 2016 Saturday 6:08 PM
Why do I have to get into fucking fights with my dad?
I'm so stupid because:
1. What if I'm not actually right?
2. Why do I care so much about BEING right? Like, can't I just suck up the Injustice and move on?
3. WHY DO I SAY STUPID THINGS.
4. WHY DO I INSTIGATE.
It wasn't a bad fight, nor was it very long, but I'm still pissed and confused and I wanna talk about it so shut up. Sorry.
In short, my mom was in the kitchen and she was all, "Can you help me, Bero?" and the thing is, I had been standing in the kitchen for like ten minutes and she asks this JUST as I'm about to leave, to tackle this horrible homework assignment that was due three days ago.
You know how you when you live with people for a long enough time, things start to grate on you? I'm thinking of erosion. The grand canyon. Death valley. Sand in the wind. Pounding for eons on a pile of rock. Shit like that.
Well, this is one of those things. She always does that! It's like she has some magical sensor, some powerful intuition that's all, oops, Veronica's about to leave! Better put her to work!
(Easy work, but time consuming)
Which, okay. That's fine. I just hate feeling like I'm making excuses all the time, y'know? 'Cause if mom's in a bad mood, she'll think I'm lying about having homework and I'm not lying! I'm so slow about homework, I know, and it's this constant burning stress I've learned to live with/ignore.
It's not a bad existence. Sometimes, though, it gets tangled all up around me. That's not what I'm talking about right now, though (bc what's the point of discussing that anyway? It's petty and stupid, like me, and it's unavoidable so who cares? Then again, I talk about depression a lot, and isn't that the same thing? Petty, stupid, unavoidable).
Anyway, so Mom's all, "Bero, help me!" and so I say, "Ugh. Mom - " and I try to explain the whole I'm-Not-Trying-To-Make-Excuses thing. She does that combustion thing, blows up but it burns out quick, which is a relief. But then my dad is a slower burn, ugh. Like dynamite with a super long string or whatever. What even is that string made of?
He's all, "Help your mother!" even though he doesn't really know what we were talking about, I get frustrated, explain it to my mom and my mom understands and everything is OK. And she asks me to get a plate and some napkins for her, which made me feel bad because, really, that was it? Aw. That takes like two seconds. Of course I'm gonna do that for her.
So I did it and left the room and then I just had to strike up a conversation with my dad where I was all, please don't do that scolding thing without listening to me first, I'm kinda old and I can express myself and we can talk crap through rather than getting into fights.
He was just like, "Did you help your mom?" and I said yeah, because I did what she asked, but he didn't believe me.
He was all, "'Helping' is a commitment!" He's not the type to say 'young lady' but if he were, I bet he would've said it.
My mom was like, "Chrees, give me peeace!" (She has a bit of an accent and it /accent/uates, hah, the E parts of words.)
But my dad was still mad and he wasn't listening to me and he was saying I didn't understand the concept of 'helping' and then I pretty much just said, "I hate you" and went upstairs.
That's dumb. I usually avoid saying 'I hate you' because I know it's meaningless and I worry my parents will die with that having been my last words directed towards them????? That was a huge fear of mine as a kid.
But I said it and I don't hate him, I'm just frustrated. It felt good. To say that. It didn't get much of a reaction. It's not like I screamed it. I just... said it. The way you say, "Pass the salt." But anyway, it was nice.
I'm gonna go say sorry now, though. What a stupid thing to say. What a stupid fight.
I'm also gonna help my mom more. I really, really should do my homework, but I feel super guilty and I've felt guilty enough this weekend. I don't feel like explaining why I've been feeling guilty, except I will say it has to do with Sandwich and something dumb that I did. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. He's probably never gonna trust me again, which is great. He also might not write my college recommendation. I wouldn't even be mad if he decided not to. I feel that guilty. I suck!
In other news, I feel not depressed and it's great! I'm highly stressed and I haven't gotten enough sleep, but this is the Norm. Thursday was a really, really good day, until I fucked up late in the school day (AKA why I feel like I betrayed Sandwich).
Still, though, I can appreciate Thursday. During New Visions, I sat on the floor with my laptop and a blanket and I took off my shoes. It was pleasant and comfy. Plus, I talked a lot to Sarah and Chris. Sarah, Chris, and Wallace are my favorite people in the program.
I still don't trust Sarah, but I really like her as a person. Sometimes I think she kinda hates me, but usually she's really nice. On Wednesday, she had to go to the hospital. She has a heart condition where sometimes it beats too fast and won't stop and... yeah. That happened.
She's okay now and Professor Ruth talked about it with the class and all that crap. Sarah is strange. More on this later.
I also had a nice car ride with Average Joe, whom is from now on to be known as AJ. AJ is such a nice guy. Even if he is for Trump (which I don't fucking understand), I like him as a person. Ew, I feel like that makes it sound as if I'm being generous or something... gracing him with my approval... that's not what I meant. I just mean he's nice. We talked about trees and shit, because we live in Upstate New York, where the deciduous trees look like they're burning around this time of year. They're bright yellow, orange, red, shedding on the ground and it's kind of beautiful.
AJ and I decided orange trees are the best.
It was a good talk.
I also talked a little with Lily's boyfriend, who is cool, and later, Lily herself who is of course infinitely cooler because Lily is probably Aphrodite or some other goddess. I just chose Aphrodite because Lily is caring and beautiful.
Adrian was cool on Thursday. He said, "I don't think I understand you!"
This made me happy. I knew he didn't understand me. Which is exactly what I said to him. "I know you don't." This is OK. The only thing that bothers me is when people think they understand me. It is rare that they do. I'm not particularly complicated, but I'm kind of a contradictory amalgam of features. Everyone is.
And we keep thinking the bodies that surround us fit into a mold somehow. They don't.
They are bizarre and wrong and confusing. We are obsessed with patterns and predictions. It makes sense that we try to profile each other the way that we do.
I am doing that exact thing right now.
Liv told me she wants to bite me. I love her and I want to bite her as well. She might be a kitten. Or a rabbit. I can never decide.
Laney is definitely a bunny. I went to a soccer game with her yesterday (we had no school bc professional development) and then we hung out on her bed watching make-up videos. Make-up videos are boring and they make me sad, but sometimes they're cool. I mean, they're pretty much like videos of people making art, which are also boring.
Art is cool.
I don't care for watching its creation, though. Not unless it gives me respite from speed-walking through a thick crowd on a stinky New York City sidewalk. I mean, street artists are cool. They're quick and they know how to perform and it's nice to have a break from the rest of stupid New York City. I'm not a fan, if you couldn't tell.
All that being said, hanging out with Laney was fun and her mom made some really good food. Laney's new house (her parents got divorced, she lives with her mom and oldest brother by a library now) is small and cute and clean. We ate a bunch of candy.
Laney's old house is really out of the way, so they never got trick-or-treaters. This year will be the first time people ring their doorbell. I'm happy for her :D
I just realized: I'm throwing words at you and only about five of them will stick.
Isaac is appreciated once again by me. He drew a moose with a long tail, which freaked me out because moose scare me ever since I had that nightmare with a freaking Jumping Spider Moose that swallowed me with its stupid flat molars pressing into my skin as my dad tried to pull me from its mouth.
He also drew this thing. It's labeled, "A rabbi who lives in a pine tree and gives lost people advice."
Then there's a picture of a rabbi sitting behind a desk in a pine tree, only the pine tree leaves are parted so it looks like the rabbi is hanging out in a tent. A tree tent! He's smiling a little with his hands folded on the desk over a paper. There's a pen way over on the corner of the desk. It's cute and I want it forever.
My goal for this year is to get closer to Isaac. That's kind of a stupid goal. Not tryna shit on him... it's just, usually it's something like, "Learn to open up to people"
Wait nevermind. It's usually something like, "Learn how to say words at people," and "Perfect [insert piano piece or art form here]"
So this isn't stupid. It's just another goal. Another thing that I really, really want. Another thing I probably won't get in the end. That's okay.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I wish I'd wait to write. Wait until I understand. But then, I guess I'd never write at all.
Fuck, I wish I'd stop being stupid now. My words... they're ordered in such a stupid fucking way. I hate it. Like, I'm just writing my thoughts, but most of my thoughts are crap and sometimes they sound like they could mean something, but they don't.
I'm really sorry. This is a lot a lot a lot a lot of pure bullshit. And I believe it, lol. Genuine bullshit from urs trooly.
We like Alexis. Alexis is good. I also really like Alexis's girlfriend. She's strange and she kind of understands certain parts of me. But then, I haven't given a lot of people the chance to understand Parts of Me. It's just that we talked in Peer Leadership, and Peer Leadership is a little protected bubble of safety in which it's okay to let some things out and then leave them there, pretend they never existed in the first place.
I feel like I'm seventeen, which I am.
This is... good.
Polly let me borrow some books! One of them is Of Mice and Men. She's got, like, a library in her house. She fucking loves Russia. She knows the alphabet, the pronunciations, she knows the history and she reads a bunch of Russian authors and listens to their music and has prints of their art. I love her for this.
I think Polly is my friend! I've never really had a real, adult friend. I mean Sandwich, yeah, but I've always felt like I am less than him. We're not on equal footing. I'm, like. Constantly cowering.
Polly makes me comfortable.
Also, I started the 3rd movement of Moonlight Sonata.
I'm starving. Sorry for all the useless words. That is all.
PS: I switch between present and past tense all the time????? Why did I do that????? hah