Aquamoon

~thoughts~
2016-10-22 05:45:47 (UTC)

uncle willie's candy shop

I didn't really know if I wanted to write in my diary today. It's a friday night. usually i would be out having fun at a party, or getting aimlessly and unfulfillingly drunk -- but this year i have decided to stop going out so much i felt that it was not fulfilling in many ways. nights out would typically fall below my expectations. last year i experienced a lot of "FOMO" which my roommate called, "fear of losing the moment." seeing drunk guys and gals having what seemed like loads of fun running on a combination of lack of self-control and social inhibition on the weekends was always sort of tempting for me. as a second year, however, i feel more centered and focused on goals and lack the need to go out and put toxins in my body.


today was different though. my friends had a party with their team. all three of them are on the same sports team at my college and the girls team hosted what is called a mixer where players from a mens team match up with players from the girls team and they become partners in beer olmpyics games and apparently have loads of fun. im sure they did have lots of fun and don't get me wrong, im happy that they did. but i felt sort of left out tonight. it wasn't my friends fault either. it was FOMO. after i got out of the library, i went to an alumni meeting, which really need up being social hour for workers from the alumni center. it was pretty unexciting and i could have been having more fun in that time. or not. whatever. i just feel this way because my three buddies were gone and i didn't know what to do with myself. but im sure if i were living in the chem free dorm, and was invited to movie night after being understandably excluded from a team party, i would feel warm and welcomed once again.

i sometimes wonder if i made a mistake by excluding myself from other friends that i made last year and instead sticking with my small clique. its just that, it seems like everyone else sticks to their small cliques, so why shouldn't i? why was i a bumblebee, buzzing from fun clique to interesting group to cool squad, when my friends were the ones that would always be there and care for me? shouldn't i put my energy and focus into them and not confuse the other groups into thinking that i wanted a committed friendship? i don't know. my newfound exclusivity with my clique left me feeling awkward and disconnected, especially when i would see my old friends walk around. i just never really know whether to say hi to them or pretend i didn't see them. ....




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