Darkcrow

Beatrice
2016-10-21 10:17:29 (UTC)

I Didn't Know I Was Still Hurting

I decided that I wanted a three day weekend today. I could have gone to my classes but...I didn't want to get out of bed. It's not really my day.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Not the greatest. I can't remember clearly but I think I had another night terror again. I stopped thinking about having them the past couple of days so I assumed that they had stopped. Well...by that I mean, I thought that having the thought or mention of night terrors we actually enducing the night terrors themselves. But then again I did think about them before I went to bed.

So maybe the thought of having them actually makes me have them. I hate them. I wish I didn't think about having them but I do. Seriously, I wish it was something I could avoid.

The only reason I even thought about them in the first place was because I sort of had a fight with Keith. It wasn't exactly a fight though. I just poured my heart out to him about how I felt.

Then again it wasn't like major. I tried. He didn't really say anything important back. But then again I was just texting him and he was probably wrapped up in the excitement of going to the Troy vs. South Alabama football game. I'm not really surprised. One thing I can say though about being here is that there's not much mention of college football.

Everyone back home would talk about it all the time to no end. But here, it's like it doesn't even exist. Which is so amazing. Refreshing even.

But back the reason I'm on here in the first place. I saw a post on Facebook that Summer Nance posted. It said something along the lines of "I wonder how many of y'all are cheating on your bf/gf" I got really pissed at first. Why? Because Tomari Alex Hudson had the nerve to like that post. After what she did to me. After what she did other people's relationships. Crumbling what happiness they thought they had. And then she doesn't even blink and eye. Just goes on about her day. She sickens me. I hope I never see her face ever again. DEAD SERIOUS!

Anyways, that's off topic. After I saw that post and saw that she liked it, it just pissed me off. Set off this anger that I didn't really know I had for the situation. So I wanted to text Amber about it but she was away at the fair and she wouldn't answer. I also couldn't message Keith about it because he was under the impression that I was over what had happened. Plus it was kind of petty. Nothing too important.

So instead I texted Tori. I remember her telling me a long time ago..well August that if I wanted to tell her something, anything, I could text her. So I did. I took a screenshot of the post and sent it to her. I think I sent something along the lines of "I can't believe this bitch had the nerve to like this post after what she did." I'm still a little angry about it. Anyways that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is that Tori was there for me. Like for real! Her words weren't just words, she was there for me. The only people that I know that actually like to me are my therapist and Amber. And even Amber doesn't listen all of the time.

Ughh...I keep getting off topic! Anyways Tori supported me. She even said something like "she's not who I thought she was." Which Alex really isn't. She's a whore and bitch that just doesn't care about what she goings to do with her life. Like none. None at all. She destroys lives, and relationships and makes people feel terrible feelings that they never thought that they would have to go through. And she doesn't care! Did I mention that she doesn't fucking care? I sincerely hope that when she finds a beautiful relationship, someone that she cares deeply for, someone that she wants to share the world with and have their kids and move in with that her relationships crumbles because another bitch/whore, just like her, comes into her relationship and crumbles every hope that she thought was ok to have. I hate to wish ill will on another person, but she deserves to pay.

Off topic again, where was I? Uhhh...Tori. Right. But Tori was there for me. Like...such a good friend. I also texted her for a little bit of the night because I didn't want to be rude and just talk to her about my problems. So we talked about her day too. She was screwed over at work. She didn't get paid nearly the amount that she was supposed to it. The poor thing worked her ass of and didn't get the pay that she was supposed to get. I really wish that she or someone else would have stood up to the boss and got her the pay that she deserves.

So shortly before my texting session ended with her, I kept getting messages from Amber and Keith. Like seriously, where were they when I needed them?! Not like I could tell Keith anyways. And I couldn't really talk to Amber because she was at the fair with her friend Haley. I wish I got to go the fair :( Oh well.

Amber....I can't remember what Amber said. Let me look really quick.I might not look in the end. The school's internet is acting wonky. She said, "she's icky." Not the kind of support I was looking for from here. Like...not at all. I'm a little disappointed in her right now. Her best friend status plumited as of yesterday. Not that I have any other friends anyways. I just am where I am. Lost in a sea of...strangers and acquaintances. There's nothing more left for me here. Well I do have...damn it off topic again! I used to be able to write on topic all day long but I guess that's not the case anymore.

What was I doing again...? Amber and Keith. Right. So they...um..Amber wasn't supportive. Instead she wanted to talk about how her sister was all in her business. Her sister was being stupid and hormonal. (She's pregnant in case you forgot.) But that's whatever. I decided to endure the tears that I was crying for reasons of my own and support my friend, that was like a big sister to me.

Keith on the other hand decided to drill me about me emotions again. At first I felt kind of guilty that I didn't want to tell him what was going on. But once he did, he laughed about it. HE LAUGHED ABOUT IT! Like.."that's ironic hahahaha. I might have cheated on you with her and we both know she's a slut and she almost destroyed our relationship but c'est la vie." I got pissed and sad and upset. I bawled my eyes out. My pillow was soaked and my face was drenched. Was his? Probably not.

I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I know that he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew how it was going to make me feel. He knew that everything he was doing was wrong. He knew that doing it again a second time was worse. He knew that he fucked up. What's worse is that he took precausion to cover up what he had done. Despicable. And the thing is, I thought I was over it. I took my revenge that day at Waffle House. I told him, that I didn't care if we stayed together or not. I told him that I wasn't going to let him ruin my anniversary with him. 4 years is a long time. Maybe if I really am hurting this bad, I should let him go...and start over?

But just that thought makes me question so many things. What will I do when he's gone? Can I jump back into dating? Who will I date? I don't have any guy friends that I'm interested in. I barely have any guy friends at all. Will I liberate myself? Will I try to dress beautifully? Will I take better care of myself? Will I start working out so I can dress like a tramp? Which I admit sounds kind of nice :) Where would I get the clothes? Where does everyone else shop? Will it be expensive? I'm getting off track here. I think what I'm trying to say, is that it would be hard to live without him.

I just told him that I needed a day to process everything again. Because really I thought I was over it. But then again, it took my like...3 weeks to get over that he cheated on me with Alex..maybe longer. But it took my a week to get over Elizabeth. But I also serverly emotionally abused him that day. So it felt kinda good to redistribute the pain again. But that doesn't make it right. And that doesn't erase what he did to me. So...I'm not sure. I think that I'm just going to cry it out for the rest of the day. Or...i don't know draw, watch anime and play MMOs? We'll see where the day takes me. Bye




Ad: