LustingforNightmares

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2016-10-13 11:24:42 (UTC)

Thoughts About/Bitterness Towards My Classmates, I Guess


"Boots of Spanish Leather" by Bob Dylan

No, there's nothin' you can send me, my own true love
There's nothin' I wish to be ownin'
Just carry yourself back to me unspoiled
From across that lonesome ocean


October 15, 2016 Saturday 2:45 PM


I've been sick for a few days. I missed almost the whole week of school stuck home with a fever. I mean, we had no school Monday, duh, but the only time I actually did anything educational was when I went to New Visions on Wednesday. I didn't even go to Computer Programming later that day because I went to the nurse and it turned out I had a fever, so I just hung out in Pootray's room with Liv, Adrian, and Isaac until Lily could bring me home (bless Lily, bless Lily and her beautiful, beautiful heart).

I liked hangin' around with Liv, Isaac, and Adrian. That was probably the highlight of my week. It was like old times. I miss old times.

Isaac's gonna bring me a book of Edward Gorey drawings. I'm excited.

Hey. You know what? I think Isaac's gonna be famous or something one day. I really admire him. He doesn't seem, like... stressed out by the future. And he doesn't waste time on bullshit that he doesn't like. But that wasn't the point. The point is, he's really coming into his own, art-wise. He's like a surreal cartoonist type thing and it's awesome. I want him to never stop drawing but I also want to keep all his stuff and Not Give Them Back. But whatevs.

Adrian is also cool and cute. The puppy. I watched videos of him playing the organ when he was little. He was such a cute child.

Liv, however, is my fave. We have been best friends for a year. CraaAAaaZZyy. Ours is perhaps the most stable close relationship I've maintained ever, barring my relationship with the family. :3 Liv is family, though. Hmm. I feel scattered... and smeared...

squish me into the walls.

(Watch as she talks, talks, talks empty.)

Thank you, Bob Dylan, for sounding like an October Saturday.

Yesterday, I was finally sort-of better. I went on a field trip to Saranac Lake and it was exhausting. Sometimes, I just really hate my class. I don't get them. I don't particularly want to get them. They seem dishonest in a very natural way – they're always wearing stupid masks. Can't tell if they like you or not. I mean most people are dishonest like this. I don't think I am, but I'm a liar in other ways.

I don't really lie about liking people. I like most everyone. Even the people I sort of hate.

Anyway, I ended up talking the most with a girl called Wallace and I think she's my favorite out of the class. She's weird. Everyone's weird. But for her, it's on the surface.

Hold on. I've gotta go to piano. Watch these thoughts go unfinished forever.

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ANyway, Wallace and I ended up talking for awhile. She told me about her horse (that she rents from a barn – I think the same barn my neighbor used to go to) and showed me pictures of her really cute dog. She also showed me some of her poetry.

It was actually about depression, which I found bizarre. Of course, Wallace looks pretty punk, but that doesn't mean a person has depression.

The whole point of the poem is validation of feelings, pretty much. She recited some idioms and then broke 'em (mainly, it was about "stick and stones...words'll never hurt me" saying being bullshit) and talked about some other stuff.

It's angry and a little stiff and if I were to have read it without knowing who wrote it, it wouldn't seem particularly great. In fact, otherwise I might've avoided reading it altogether. I don't like things that are about depression. Not when the whole gross mass is being looked at, like, directly.

Although I guess I misspoke. It wasn't entirely about depression... more about general hurt??? Except depression was referred to specifically.... Ahh, whatevs.

Still, though, my knowledge of poetry is limited and generally I like apathetic writing.

What I mean to say is, she could be good. This poem isn't a masterpiece, but she also only just wrote it sooooooo... I hope she'll let me read more of her writing.

We also talked about religion and crap. IDK. It was a long bus ride. Like 3 hours haha. Honestly I think we spent more time on the bus than we did exploring the Adirondacks, haha. I'm OK with that. I was still kinda sick (I AM still kinda sick) and I was tired and long trips heal me as long as I don't have to move very much.

So, yeah, conclusion being: at the moment, Wallace is one of my favorite people in the program. She strikes me as honest and humble.

This other girl, Sarah, who I'm almost-friends-with... eh. I like her, but I'm not sure she likes me and actually... I just don't trust her.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?? OH MY GOD I WAS SO BITTER.

She said, "I was being considered for the national merit scholarship for my score on the PSATs. I don't know why! My score was so bad!"

"Oh, what was your score?"

"It was like, ooh, I dunno. A 1400?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME. YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT A BAD SCORE. YOU KNOW.

That's what I can't trust!!! These kindsa people who act like a ninety-five is the end of the world!!!!!! Like, okay, I don't love when I get an 89 or a 92 but I'm not that upset???? Jesus.

So competitive academically. That's fine, just chill out, though.

Okay actually now I feel bad. I said my SAT score was bad (it's a 1390, but I'm taking it again in November). Obviously that is not a bad score. I just wanted better.

So I'm a hypocrite.

*Zoidberg voice* What a surprise!

Gosh.

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HEY I FINISHED THE SECOND MOVEMENT OF MOONLIGHT SONATA. NOW I JUST NEED TO THE LAST MEASURE UP TO SPEED.... AND I CAN START THE THIRD MOVEMENT!!! FUCK YA!!!

I've gotta go–


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