✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-10-15 00:45:18 (UTC)

Nailed To The Wall

Dear Reader,

I woke to my grandmother yelling at me to get up, and for our puppy, Rosey to get out of my room. She came in when grandma opened the door to wake me up.

I picked her up, still sleepy and stumbly.
I have to check to see if she has something in her mouth before I put her out, and I opened it and she did in fact have something.

I caught a glimpse and I felt the clear plastic end to the pack of thumb tacks I own, between her teeth. I use them to punch designs in paper when I do paper embroidery.

And she thrashed as I tried to pry her mouth open to retrieve the tack, and I started to put her back on the floor and by the time I got her mouth open, nothing was there.

I remember denial, and repeating no in my head over and over.

And I tried pushing my fingers in her mouth to make her vomit,
But it didn't work.

Cue panic attack.

I threw my clothes on, scooped her up and told grandma
With a shaking voice.

And I was met with a cold, uncaring, and indifferent response.
It's the response I have always received.

And they hatefully told me to get ready to go to town to get paint. She says that she told me she was going to get some today, but didn't say I was going with her, and acted as though I had ruined everything by not being up and ready to go the second she wanted to leave.
And
And I was confused about the lack of concern in her dog...

So I just silently put her down, returned to my room and started to cry my eyes out.
I reluctantly got ready, and fought tears in the living room as I waited for us to go.

I've been worried all day.

It turns out, papa had fallen and hurt his knee earlier that day, and they decided to go to the hospital.
So, I asked grandma before she left...
She had already began grabbing an oxygen tank
I asked her if something happens to Rosey, if R and I can take her to the vet.
She cut me off and said "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO EO ABOUT IT. IM ALREADY DEALING WITH ANOTHER EMERGENCY."

And I responded "if you'd let me finish." And to be clear the fall happened hours before this.

And she came back in the house after realizing she grabbed the wrong oxygen tank.
"Dana you're driving me crazy! I grabbed the wrong one. Stop worrying me about things. How about you clean the house and get up and do something and stop thinking about it." And she looked at me with eyes full of hatred.

This is why I don't ever tell her anything.

And, I just sat silent with a scrambled head.. wanting to yell back.. wanting to scream. But I couldn't. I wouldn't even know what to say.

And she left and I didn't tell her bye or anything.

And I broke down and cried.
And even though I had eaten, I binged after she left.

I have been hit with my depression for three days now.. and I just shattered.

How dare I give a damn about her dogs well being.

I just watched Harry Potter, and talked to E.
And now I'm in my room curled into my bed. Other stuff happened that I don't want to get into.

I just feel so broken.. so unimportant.. so alone..

Like I'll never measure up.. I'll never matter as much..

How I feel and my pain is just an inconvenience.. and an annoyance.

I wish I had swallowed the thumb tack instead.

Sincerely,
InternallyBleeding




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