Vanilla

Familia - written last week

Sometimes I want people to see me. Really see me. To see the mess inside and accept me still. I show it sometimes, I leave little hints which people ignore because we all turn a blind eye to pain. I told a teacher once after I got into a fight I burst out crying because I didn't think I could take it anymore. I don't know what I wanted the outcome to be. I didn't want to leave my mum but i wanted him to leave, either he left or I did. I am glad she didn't tell and I didn't end up in the system, if that had happened maybe life would have been worse. It's those tortorous moments in life where you realise how strong the human spirit is- when we are pushed to what we think is the absolute limit but here we are still breathing and surviving. I don't think I've ever been 100% sure on who I am or have become. I want to be the "real me" but the real me is covered in flaws. Flaws that nobody would accept even I wouldn't. I think if I really let myself be honest I'd be a raging hurt angry hateful insane looking person.

I need to escape but I am trapped by the unquavering unconditional love I will always have for my mother.

What they said hurt me but I didn't let it show, what would be the point? I don't know why they all feel joy from seeing me that way. All I know is that they never loved me, never cared for my well being and never thought of me as family. I already knew this but they confirmed it when they told me word for word everything I feared.