šŸƒAmanda22Janeā¤

Ghost Writer
2016-10-10 17:48:14 (UTC)

Insomnia.

First entire night of insomnia in a very long time. Nearly three months.
I've been productive AND calm.
My daughter gave me a cute tiny blue and white striped top that my baby grandson has grown out of. I've never washed it up until now because it held his precious newborn baby scent...I've held it to my nose and cheek and felt great comfort and joy in doing so - I'm crying, finally...I miss my grandchildren so much..it'll have been 21 days now until I see them again this weekend for sure. I've been out of the loop for two consecutive weekends...the scent on the tiny doll-like top has altered over the past month and faded somewhat, so I gently handwashed it in warm water with natural, pure soap. Now it's hanging up in my bedroom drying further - I had it outside for a day, but it's still cold and damp weather - beside a tailored burnt orange camisole top belonging to my granddaughter. I brought it home with me at the same time as the outgrown baby top to mend and embroider the front. I still haven't made up my mind just what exactly I'll put on the camisole. It could go a number of ways...a cute little baby piglet face with a floppy hat crowned with flowers, a sweet little pony face profile with long flowing locks and lashes, a silhouette of a French sixties lady reclining in a long evening shift dress split up to the top of the thigh revealing a tattoed leg, a unicorn silhouette, Danger Mouse silhouette in White NEVER BLACK.
Or something in graphic design along floral and feminine lines with a great quote to accompany that.

I have been having fun with a toy archery set that I bought for my grandson. It's excellent fun. A future of fortune in sobriety permitting, I'd love to fund his passion with a membership into an archery club. He shows promise...I would've loved to have done archery as a teenager but we were too poor and I was too busy...

Did I mention that I miss my grandbabies?? I miss the daughter and son-in-law too. Grandbabies more though.

Everyone is getting on my case about my drinking. EVERYONE I tell you. Far out!

"I'm TRYING ALRIGHT! GOD KNOWS I'M TRYING."

Please can everyone just get off my fucking case! I'm an alcoholic, I know this about me. Fuck just leave me alone - I'm still crying. I'm not checking out anytime soon, I'm escaping and doing my darndest to chase that "ultimately PERFECT high." Oh, fuck. Bottle of wine Wednesday and that's it until...until...fuck...I don't know when...fuck.

The little birdies have woken up and are chirping happily. Then they stopped for a while and now one or two are chirping at a time. Birds. Love them.
See? I've changed. When I was getting sober 23 years ago, the little birdies would sing in the morning and I'd be unhappily woken up by their singing, leap to the nearest window, throw it open and shout at them to "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE AND MAKE THAT RACKET!!"

See? I'm evolving...at a snail's pace in some ways.

Going to cry myself to sleep now. Said my prayers - sort of - best I can.




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