Nadia

wet blanket
2016-10-07 13:56:51 (UTC)

"I started smoking because I was bored..

"I started smoking because I was bored and tired of life".
It's true. It's so true. Of course many people, if not the majority, will judge you for smoking. It's just what people do. I just want to say fuck you to those people. You can't judge someone you don't know. You don't know what anyone has been through really. You can be aware of.. negative events that have occurred throughout peoples lives but.. You can never know exactly how it feels to be them or how they felt during those times. People deal with emotions differently. Smoking initially, was just a party thing for me. Throughout high school I had crippling anxiety. I hated it. I wanted to sit and learn but my mind wouldn't let me in year 12. It was just so bad in year 12. Every class room I went in I felt like everyone was watching me and I was going to do something that would make everyone look at me so I'd leave. I didn't want to leave I honestly felt I HAD to leave or something really bad was going to happen. Smoking was/is a coping mechanism. Then my smoking habits got worse when I went through another depression in year 12 during and after my and Jacob's relationship. Then smoking was to slowly kill myself.
Now it's mostly just for anxiety and my addiction. I might try quit for my new years resolution but I won't tell anyone. What's worse then letting people down and feeling guilty. Not much. I don't want to put that on myself. I avoid guilt as much as possible because guilt will always turn to self hatred for me... which never ends well.
I try to save myself from thoughts of self harm as much as possible. I've been clean I think for almost 7 months.
But I still get those thoughts every now and again.
I'm considering seeing Sarah again. I don't know. Prevention is key. Better to get help before it gets worse. It just means I'll have to talk to my Dad and I don't want him to think I'm getting bad again. I'm just really up and down at the moment. In year 11 she diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and anxiety.
Like I don't want this I don't want these thoughts I just want to be normal. It's just hard sometimes. It's like no human communication does much about it,


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