Dearmamu

Edward
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2016-10-07 07:16:14 (UTC)

way back

I was 7 years old when I knew my life will never be easy. I was bullied in school for being gay. I never had a chance to fight back because I know something is different from me. Growing up from a Filipino family is not easy. They were ashamed of a gay. They never wanted to have one. Some of the night I heard them talking about me being different. Some Uncle or Aunt talked to me to change my ways and if not, they would hang me up side down until I make up my mind. I feel alone and neglected that time. I can still remember crying during night, asking God about my self, why Im different?, why I was born to have this pain. I continued my studies until I graduated from elementary. Those time I neglected my self or even denying who I am. I just focused on being great until I snatched some honor places in school. During my high school, I was one of the special students in school based on their entrance exam and academic grades during elementary. For the first time I feel my self, I feel important, i got a new friends whom I share my high school life. That period changes everything of my perception. I looked back my past life during elementary and still I feel teared up with those memories. One day I sat in a bench and recalled everything that happened. I get an idea to use it to fuel my spirit to love my self because no one will give it to me. I immediately write down all the negative things they say to me and burn it and I said to my self, i will create a story that will never be forgotten and will always be remember. I gather up my tears and I tell to God that i am accepting the challenge he gave to me long before. During my high school years my mind was focused only of proving to everyone. my ways were questioned by everyone, bullying was still their but i close my ears to them. I even never looked at them. I keep my head held high and I always pray to God, to the moon and to the stars to guide me. I never share my defeat or burden to anyone but only to God. I can still remember when everything is so heavy and no one i can lean on. I went outside of the house that night where everyone is sleeping. i sat on the grass and looked up the sky. I talked to the moon and the stars that Im very tired of proving. I wanna quite this life and I pray that one morning they will just found me dead. I gave up everything that night, my tears of despair, the pains and struggling I went thru. I sleep late and make sure no one sees me crying.
As the chicken calls for the morning that day after I woke up with the feeling of strength and happiness, I can never explain everything. Its just flowing on my body that morning. I think God listen to me that night. Even my friends notice a different of me.
I graduated in high school without any honor but it never make me sad. I am very happy from the transformation within me. god really listen to you if you lay down everything. starting that day, I was never troubled of the comments they bashed to me. I feel complete and loved. I feel like someone is watching over me. So I was able to graduate in high school and in college without any trouble.


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