LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-09-28 21:31:27 (UTC)

??? confused


"Australia" by Attic Abasement [recommended by Adrian. Is very good. The instrumentals, they're all uneven and stuff and it kinda reminds me of Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin and god damn it. I'm the good kind of sad. Elise, yo – I'd show you this.]


I can’t think with my dick
yeah, my body aint no temple
my wisdom is blocked by some lips

And how do i know that im alive,
how do i know that im alive...
how do i know

I-- I think I’ll start a farm in Australia
Take walks just to sit around blocking moon beams
On a desert,
Or on a beach

And thats how I’ll know that i’m alive
Maybe I know that i’m alive
O how i’ll know that im alive
thats how i’ll know that im alive
Maybe I’ll know that i’m alive
oh how i’ll know that im alive

O how i’ll know


September 28, 2016 9:34 PM

I'm okay, dude.

I, like. Was feeling tormented for a bit. But then it was lowkey tormented. And then I talked about it, sort of, at Peer Leadership – with Mike and then Adrian. I regret it. Not so much with Mike, because I trust he won't bring it up again, but like... with Adrian.

It's like – I'm not trying to be mysterious or... hot-n-cold. But I am both. Because I don't like sharing things.

Maybe I should put more faith in Adrian. Maybe he knows that he shouldn't be expected any more confessions from me. And he should know I will never, nEVER cry in front of him, nor will I ever mention any sort of depression about me unless. Unless I do.

I was just a little bothered, 'cause he recommended this song and talked about how it was depression without being depressed and I got all paranoid, because is he tryna say something to me? Is he tryna make some sort of connection there?

No. No no no no no no no.

But I don't know that he was and this song is good, so go Adrian.

Anyway, after Monday's Peer Leadership meeting I decided I'm, for the time being, done confessing my feelings and shit. The problem is, that's kind of the whole idea of Peer Leadership. It just hurts, man. And it doesn't feel worth it. All of this sensitive, painful stuff is just... that. I don't feel better afterwards. Maybe because I need to stick it out, wait till it all washes away.

But it will NEVER wash away. Not completely. And Peer Leadership just... can't cure me in the end. Maybe there's nothing to fix lol. I'm doing fine.

Maybe there's nothing to fix! So why go there? I mean, I'm going to keep going. I believe in what it does. I just can't... apply it to myself.

I hate crying. I hate, hate, hate crying.

Anyway, point is – I'm remembering how small I am and in a way that makes me feel better. And I also find solace in science.

See, the difference between science and art is the whole emotional aspect. Obviously. I'm not saying anything revolutionary. But anyway, with art, I always dig to find the feelings, and if I can't find anything, I write about that. Or I imagine the presence of emotions, and/or I twist them. Either way, it's guided by feeling and how I want other people to feel. I'm very clumsy with all of this.

Science is different, though. Science is outside out yourself. I like how distant it is. It's not exactly the opposite of art, but the approach is definitely different.

I am also clumsy with this.

There's emotion in the story of science, but that's just plain art.

Does that make any sense?

Yo. There's a girl at the program who apparently appreciates me as a person. I do not understand. I feel ten kinds of fake when I'm there. Like, dude, I just don't know if I belong there half the time, and I can't be as weird as I am at regular school because the people don't know me well enough to recognize the, I don't know... the... patterns in my speech.

Ah, well. I don't trust people, do I?

Yooo. But anyway. The girl is cool and hopefully we will become Actual Friends. It would be nice to have an Actual Friend there.

Also, the presidential election is really, really, really starting to depress me.

There's so much hate on both sides.

Sometimes I think I can understand people who like Trump (such as Average Joe, who is really such a nice guy)

but then I remember all the racist shit he's said. And the stupid stuff. And how he lacks professionalism and changes his mind a ton and just talks around crap instead of answering any questions directly.

I mean. And then I hear all this crap about Hillary and I just don't understand why some of it is such a big deal. Like. Whatever. She's done well in the past.

Maybe I'm misinformed.

But that's not what upsets me in the end. It's just the way people are acting. Everybody is so hateful and there's no way to reason with anyone. Not even me! If you tried to convince me that Trump is an actually competent man, then I'd have a hard time listening. Because from what I've seen, he's kind of an idiot. Maybe well-meaning, but not fit for running a fucking country.

See???? I'm mad. And a lot of people are way angrier than I am.

They say they're picking between two piles of shit (paraphrasing, lol). I just – I can't see how Hillary compares to Trump in that respect. HOW can she be seen as shit next to him. WHY do people think Trump can't be corrupted. Because he's rich? He's also cheap as fuck. You think he'll say no if someone tries to bribe him?

Sorry, that's not a very good point. What do I have to support that? Nothing. I haven't done a ton of research. It's half-regurgitated information, like it is with most kids my age.

I guess most information is regurgitated, though. It's just up to individuals to verify it. Most people don't bother. I want to bother. I wish everyone bothered!

Damn. I don't want all this, "Republicans are stupid," and "Liberals are..." IDK what people say about liberals. Oh yeah, "Liberals are condescending," or something.

It just seems so irrelevant and unnecessary. C'mon – we're hating a concept. Individuals are to be respected unless they are clearly pieces of shit who don't respect you, in which case don't murder them but don't water their plants while they're on vacation either.

Point is, we're not hating real people when we say all that crap. We're hating ideas. And we all take this hate so personally and it's just really bad and I don't like it

and maybe I've got the wrong idea.


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