I HAVE FOUND MY FUTURE she said for the tenth time
"Venus" by Sleeping at Last [The lyrics are beautiful, Jesus. This song's a suggestion from Liv – I like it, but I can't really relate. It reminds me of Sleeping Song by the Shins though.. ooo now I wanna listen to A Comet Appears]
at first i thought you were a constellation.
i made a map of your stars, then i had a revelation:
you're as beautiful as endless,
you're the universe i'm helpless in.
an astronomer at my best
when i throw away the measurements.
like a telescope,
i will pull you so close
'til no space lies in between.
and suddenly i see you.
suddenly i see you.
i was a billion little pieces
'til you pulled me into focus.
astronomy in reverse,
it was me who was discovered.
September 20, 2016 Tuesday 9:22 PM
[I'M SORRY, I rant about people you don't know and I think this might be confusing because I'm rushing, but I'm just happy. Future self, I hope you smile when you read this. Friend who is not here – you know I think about you when I'm happy.]
I'm in a good mood again. !!! It's nice.
NV was good today. Tomorrow, we're doing a lab. Micropipetting. :D
I really like school so far. I feel like I get to do cool, twisty things with my mind. I miss math class though. I also really like my computer programming class. We only just started programming but it's so cool.!!! I like trying to solve the problems, you know? I like trying to get a certain outcome. I don't know, maybe I'll hate it in a couple months haha.
I talked to Mr. Washington today. That put me in such a great mood.
First, he was all, "[my last name], you've got your hair up!"
"Yeah, I almost never do that haha."
"Well, it's very becoming."
!!! NO ONE HAS EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ME IS VERY "BECOMING" I'M SO PLEASED and I miss Adrian all of a sudden. He always says really cool things to me. Like, his compliments are so genuine and accurate and he's... good. I like him.
Yesterday, he told me I was a Wall-E type creature – picking stuff up all innocently, tryna figure it out, all cute and stuff. He said this because he had a weird sticker-type thing and I poked it a couple times, like, "wass that?"
That felt so nice. God. I'm mad that that was such a good compliment. It would be nice if my brain could just... stick with a feeling, you know? I don't want to be annoyed with him one day and all warm 'n fuzzy the next. Not that I'm feelin' warm 'n fuzzy, but it made me happy.
(Are my days only good when I get compliments or do I only ever talk about compliments when my days are good? Ah. Chickens. Eggs. Dinosaurs.)
Okay so I went down to Mr. Washington's to ask about the "white flight" AKA when a buncha white people moved to the suburbs and left the urban landscape sorta desolate and jobless. Minorities suffered. I was asking for public health reasons – I thought it was relevant to the problem of recidivism.
ANyway. I then told him that I think I'm going to go into psychology.
Now, I wanna believe that this is true. Unlike neuroscience, it is something that has been on my mind since middle school, same as writing, but I never thought I could actually BE a psychiatrist because I didn't think I was good enough at socializing.
But Peer Leadership is basically learning how to counsel and understand people, so if that's what I wanted to do with my life, well... I'm kinda on my way. That and I do a lot of psychology research in my spare time. I've been doing it since middle school.
So... yeah. I hope that that's where I'm heading. I hope I can stick to it. I still really like neuroscience. The cool thing about neuroscience is that it's all connected to psychology and stuff.
My whole thing is I like people. I like understanding their behavior and shit. I like understanding in general haha. Anything to do with that is pretty cool.
Sooo I was all, "Yeah, I think I'm going into psychology. Later this year, I'm going to try and do an internship under a neuroscientist, but yeah, psychology is kind of my endgame right now," or I don't even know.
Mr. Washington was like, "Oh you're so smart!" doing this weird puppy-face thing that he does sometimes, like he's so happy he's about to cry.
(SPEAKING OF PUPPIES!!!
THE LADY DOWN THE HALL FROM NV HAS THIS LITTLE YORKIE CALLED ESMERALDA AND SOMETIMES SHE HANGS OUT WITH US!!! AND AND AND SOME *OTHER* LADY DOWN THE HALL HAS A NINE-WEEK-OLD PUPPPPPPPYYYYYYY. IT'S A MINI-SOMETHING AND IT'S SO SMALL AND FLUFFY AND WRIGGLY AND IT'S FUCKING NAME IS QUIGGLY.
THERE ARE PUPPIES AT MY SCHOOL.
PUPPIES NAMED QUIGGLY.)
Kept talkin' to Washington, which was nice. I asked him to write my college recommendation :) he said yes pretty much. He offered during finals last year actually.
Then, he was all, "Hey, wanna hear a nice compliment?" and I was like... yes... because who wouldn't.
And Washington said, "So I was talking to Birdy the other day. He was asking about the other people who got 5's on the AP [US History] exam and I started listing some people, y'know? And when I got to your name, he was just like, 'oh, yeah, yeah,' not surprised at all, more like, 'of course, she's really bright.'"
!!! !!! !!! !!! ! ! ! ! "Really?" is what I said. "He doesn't even know me!"
"He must know something about you, because he thinks you're bright!"
It's because I know such nice people. Washington has bragged about me to Birdy before, I know that. Liv also talks about me a lot. Dunno if she's ever done that TO Birdy, but yeah, haha. I wonder if they still talk.
God, Birdy is such a beautiful human being. I don't see him anymore. He's in the other NV program and he's already taken, like, all the available AP classes at our school so he probably goes home after that haha. Pretty face tho.
MORE COMPLIMENTS FROM WASHINGTON:
"I think you should be a journalist or something. You're a good writer, you're a really good writer, and it's natural!!!" That made me so happy. I can never get enough of that encouragement, I sweaaarrr.
I told him I'd be down in the future to ask about history and stuff. I was like, "I really like history. I think I'm going to use it in whatever I do, y'know?"
and he got that I'm-so-happy-I-could-cry puppy-face and squeaked out something like, "Favorite!"
MAhhh. I don't think Washington realizes how much he lifted my mood.
Bad thing, though: I forgot my meds today. I forgot them once last week too, at like the beginning of the week. COULD that have had something to do with the sudden depression??? Maybe. Dunno. Hopefully not because if so, it's gonna happen again.
MORE GOOD STUFF:
Today, in Peer Leadership, I did really well. I think I counseled well, spoke well, socialized well, haha. It was just really good. We do meeting highlights, and I was one of the people's highlights!!!
I was also part of another person's highlight :D
I think it's because I started giving out candy to the people I sessioned with lol. Tryna Pavlov's dog them, like that one tumblr text post. They will like me, they WILL.
:D :D I also came up with a really good idea regarding future meetings and foodstuffs. PLUS, we have a new meeting room. The Home Ec Room! Home Ec is actually three connected rooms. They're HUGE and it's nice.
I'm so pleased. But I have HW now, so bye.