✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-09-14 04:00:57 (UTC)

Beyond Sorry


It's my fault it's the way it is.
That's all I can think of when issues arise.
It's all boiling over, forcing itself to be faced and I can't.
Not now. Not yet.
This isn't the time. This isn't the place.
I used to have distractions.
Things to keep my mind away.
But little things set it off. Little things remind me.
It's always in the back of my thoughts.
It's always there, it's always haunting me.
It effects nearly everything..
I can't forgive myself. I can't forget.
I can't pretend forever that it never happened.
And the only way I can stay sane is to disconnect.
The only way I can keep it at bay is to turn off all feelings associated.
Make it out to be, someone else's memories.
If I were to let myself face it,
It wouldn't be enough.
Not to forgive. Not to let go.
It's not even about me.
Writing this is dangerously close.
But I had too.
I've tried so hard to bury that person I used to be,
Far far behind.
I've tried so hard to change, and I've made it far.
But it's the root to every evil on my imperfection tree.
And it makes me sick.
It makes me hurt.
It drags me down, and it kicks me until I spit blood.
The guilt, the shame,
Is driving me insane.
I can't change what happened.
I cant undo what's been done.
I didn't know what I was doing.. I wish someone stopped me.
What was wrong with me.
I needed help. Serious help.
But I can say that I've cut that person away.
It's not me anymore. It'll never be me again.
But it'll never go away, and it'll never stop hurting.
As much as I want it to, I don't deserve for it to.
I never meant to hurt you. It's true.
It'll never hurt me as much as it hurts you.
I hate what I did with every fiber in my being.
I hate that I can't change it.
I hate that I can't even say that I'm sorry. And you'll never know how much I want too. How much I want to tell you how sorry I truly am. How sorry, and ashamed, and guilty, and fucked up I have been for all these years, but I can't.
Because sorry would hurt you.
What can sorry do? What can be done to make up for what I did?
Some wounds can't be healed, and somethings can't be forgiven.
And I know you pretend too.
You disconnect too. You've tried to put it behind you.
And all the times I've slipped and said borderline things,
You have no idea how much I've screamed inside,
How horrible and shitty it makes me feel..
I know there's no way I can understand what it's like for you.
I don't understand how you even like me.
How you even want to try with me
You're definitely the better of us.
You're definitely the strongest.
I don't deserve your friendship. I don't deserve your kindness.
I don't deserve anything you give me or anything you do for me.
I hope you can move on,
I hope you can forget, and find a way to conquer it.
To heal.
I hope you can make peace with it, and never let it interfere with your life or happiness. Sooner rather than later.
If one day you choose to cut me out,
I'll be okay with that.
I hope that even though you may never hear the words from me,
I hope you know that I am beyond sorry.
I know that nothing I can ever say or do can make up for what I did.. But, I hope you know that I'm not that person who hurt you anymore.
I hope you know that I would change it if I could, even it meant laying down my life in exchange I would.
One day, it's going to bubble over and I won't have a choice but to face it.
And I hope by that time, I'm in a much better place,
As a much better person.. Who can maybe handle it.
I'm so fucking afraid,
That the only way to move on, is to talk about it with you...
I'd rather take it to the grave.
I won't ask for your forgiveness.
As much as I want it, I know I don't deserve it.





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