it takes a lot to make me crazy... and a lot is always going on
"Made Up Dreams" by Built to Spill [another throwback to last autumn. god, I love this song. And I don't think it has ever felt so real to me before]
These thoughts are old
Let's keep it cold
Dry lines on me
That stupid sound
That awful feel
Don't bring them down
And it never will
No, it never will
No, it never will
No, it never will!
Hard to believe
That after all this time
That after all this I'm
No one wants to hear
What you dreamt about
Unless you dreamt about them
Don't let that stop you
Tell them anyway
And you can make it up
As you go!
I'm already gone now
You were outside just waiting
I'm already nothing
You just noticed me fading
It takes a lot to make me crazy
And a lot is always goin' on
September 13, 2016 Tuesday 9:55 PM
Don't have a lot of time but:
Yesterday, I went to a Peer Leadership captain's meeting and it was very cool. Sorry, that's not very descriptive, but like I said I don't have a lot of time. I want to go to sleep. Sooo maybe some other time in the future.
I'm kind of worried that I'll have lost touch with a part of myself by the end of this year haha.
But then, when am I not worried about that? Same anxiety, different reasons. One X-value can only get one Y-value, but that doesn't necessarily mean that one Y-value can't correspond with multiple X-values. That's supposed to be the definition of a function and if I'm using it as some kind of weird, bent-out-of-shape metaphor for my general worry about general things, then I suppose I should change the title to "malfunction." But whatever. This works.
Because I do function. Everything in me is functioning fine. Maybe I am not the most efficient human being there is... I was going to say "that's fine," but I kind of don't think it's fine. I don't think it's NOT fine.
But – god damn it. I'm so off track. It's 10 PM!! Jesus I gotta hurry up.
AT PEER LEADERSHIP THE OTHER DAY (yes, my inner voice is actually yelling – sometime she needs to shout over the crock of SHIT that is my thoughts. I swear to god, there's like one giant office building in my head with a thousand Veronicas milling around, conversing and never actually finishing any of their god damn paperwork. Never, ever, EVER ask a thousand Veronicas to do any paperwork. They will not):
GOD DAMN IT. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? AT PEER LEADERSHIP THE OTHER DAY... I MEAN YESTERDAY:
Brock was all, hey, people, identify your deep patterns that you wanna work on this year. And in case I haven't defined it already, a pattern is basically short for a behavior pattern caused by some kind of emotional hurt. I see it as a slip of the learning system.
I figure if a person doesn't learn as well, they won't be hurt as easily either. Generally. Because I know there are some people who soak information up with minimal emotional damage (at least it appears that way, but maybe the emotional damage manifests itself in different ways?) and other people who don't learn too well and are easily hurt. But then, what is "learning"? I'm thinking of the kind of learning encouraged in school, but that's not the only kind. So... Jesus. There's a lot to take into account.
Point is, I have a theory that ability to learn in school is kinda related to emotional damage. It's not proven at all, as you can see. This is what I have observed, but you know. I've got limited contact with the world. El mundo. Even my mind sounds gringo, sigh.
Anyway – AGH! FOCUS, SELF! FOCUS!
Brock was all, hey, identify some negative behavioral patterns of yours, and so we did. It was me, Myra, Alexis, and Adrian, by the way. There's another PL captain called Katy who is really nice and cute, but she couldn't make it.
So: we all took turns taking out little pieces of our guts to show to the class. Then we tucked them back into our bodies, but I'm thinking now that I wasn't truthful.
The thing is, I feel as if I am not as far into co-counseling as the other captains. I don't think I've given my heart to it the way they have.
I still have a terrible time trying to show/feel emotion when I'm talking about stuff with them. Even when I brought up the hospital yesterday, there was just... nothing. Lingering shame. Low-burning hate. That was all. But I feel that just thinking about the hospital. Talking about it didn't do much, except that it was nice to feel like someone could hear me.
Anyway, it was hard, trying to identify my worst negative behavioral pattern. I came up with this:
-I am terrified of annoying people. Probably a little sister syndrome, since I felt like a burden as a kid because of how often I cried, and because of how bratty I was. Whenever anyone seems to suggest I'm annoying... yeah, haha. That's what cuts the deepest.
-In a similar vein, I don't like it when my feelings or thoughts are trivialized. Who does? It hurts pretty deeply. I don't know what that is. I just get very angry. This is not exactly ground-breaking, though. Like I said, this is common of a lot of people.
-I am afraid of being seen as a liar. I feel like I could just be seen as... a liar, sometimes. And I don't like being wrong either. Being wrong feels awful. This is why I try to be very careful with my words. Sometimes, I think I talk around my true feelings towards situations. Partly because I haven't figured them out, or because I don't want to face them, or I don't want to show you because I'm afraid of what you'll think – afraid of being wrong. Anyway, yeah, that's a pretty strong one.
But just now, I'm thinking I might've missed something. Like... I'm trying to figure out why I feel all this pressure to be academically successful. Like, why? All I wanna do is write all day. But then, at the same time I don't like that idleness. I want to be forced to learn all the time. I want to be an expert in human beings, not just psychology but in the anatomy behind that psychology and the history of both of those things. I'm craZY, WHY AM I EVERYWHERE?
I AM SMEARED OVER EVERYTHING.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
ALL I CAN THINKING ABOUT – HAH – THIS IS STUPID, BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS AN EARLY HANNAH MONTANA EPISODE IN WHICH MILEY'S DAD IS ALL, "miley, you spread your butter too thin! you've got to commit to what you love. Don't overextend yourself like this," OR WHATEVER, THAT'S PARAPHRASING, AND I THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT THAT STUPID EPISODE CLIP IS ALWAYS BOUNCING AROUND MY HEAD HAHA
God. Back to what I was saying. Part of what drives me, I think, is this fear of being a disappointment.
Because I think I am smart. I am not stupid, no... I'm smart. I'm very smart. But I'm the type of person that just... evaporates in the end. Like, I'll never have put my brain to especially good use. I won't be some great artist or scientist or writer or historian. I will be in the middle-ground, where I always am.
This should be good. So many unappreciated, beautiful people are stuck there in the middle ground.
Why do I hate the idea of being there?
Is it ego? Probably ego. Fuck. Why am I like this.
I don't want to disappoint people who think I'm smart. Or, okay – people who think I have "potential"... for now, at least. Hah, "potential," which means young and kinda clever, but mostly young – nobody says that about women in their mid-thirties. Or mid-fifties.
(I'm blinding myself. I don't know that for sure. But I assume. I must make sure that I realize I am making an assumption. I must make sure you realize. I'm not wrong. Sometimes I hate myself. Parts of me, I mean... sigh. Again. Who doesn't?)
I don't want to disappoint myself either. I've got such ridiculously high expectations for me. Whyyyy. Why?
I'm clawing at something.
I also suspect I'm lying to myself a lot right now when it comes to the most stressful part of my life – the future. I'm starting to realize I'm not invincible.
Which is fucking weird, because I was pretty sure I knew that, but I think some part of me still thought I was intellectually solid. Like, I'd be fine no matter what, but I'm realizing... I can be defeated by things. By the world. Hell, by drinking too much alcohol!
Did you know alcohol can cause brain damage in people under twenty years old, 'cause our brains are still developing? I knew teenagers undergo a critical period in their brains and I knew our brains aren't fully developed until we get to our early twenties, but I didn't realize that stuff about the alcohol.
Okay I have to go. I'm lost in my own head now, so this'll go on forever if I don't leave now and I'm exhausted.
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