All that is
I'm feeling a massive wave of self doubt right now. It comes and it goes but recently it comes and stays for far longer, and takes up more room than before. I'm used to the odd pang of what if? and questioning my direction. I accept that that's a normal part of anything, that someone embarks on single-handedly. But this...this is doing some damage. I feel like i'm being suffocated. It's definitely hindering me at every turn. It's that feeling of sizing myself up against well accomplished individuals in similar fields, seeing the jarring world of space between where i am and where i want to be, and then feeling a sense of panic at the fact that I'm going to be 30 years old in three years and yet don't feel like I have much to show for it. It's crippling. I wonder how much of that feeling - especially the one associated with reaching thirty has to do with my mummy's constant reminders of 'time is running out', 'you're getting older', 'you're not getting any younger'.
Then again the question is valid. What exactly am I wanting to do? I'm a 'film maker'. yet i feel so fraudulent when i say it. I mean. fuck. It's been a year since I embarked on the journey of beginning to make this film and what the fuck kinda dent have i made? i know if I showed what i've done to others, they'd say otherwise, but to me, it doesn't feel that way. It's depressing. I keep going around in circles. Now I;m living practically rent free and am still skint cos I haven't worked full time in ages.
fuck I'm tragic. I mean I generally submit tragic posts, but this is the first i've submitted in a while.
I'll see all these things that other people have made, and I'll think fuck how do i ever get like that? I don't have a camera yet..the contacts..I mean. I watch Kahlil J and think fuck I wanna get like that. I see a vid on SB TV and think damn, I wanna get like that, I wanna make vids like that...I watch a music vid by an artist and think shit i like the way that song is produced or those tunes, I wanna dj at some point. then I chastise myself for letting my mind wonder, for not finishing one thing and longing to begin another. I think how the fuck am I going to get $$?
I'm also suddenly 'missing' cm. I put that in inverted commas because I know it's all an illusion. It's not cm I'm missing, it's the feeling of stability he brought me. I recently looked at his linkedin by accident-ish and he's now working at a large record label in one of those bespoke-type roles that companies create to fit a candidate that they really want. That feeling of being associated with someone that was successful in the conventional sense. He was a kind of anchor, when I was feeling uncertain about my direction he was good at helping to make sense of what I thought seemed like clutter, or saying 'you've done this, why don't you do this..'
I've been a producer at a large advertising place.
I've been a runner at an perstigious film place
I've done production assistant work at an award winning film studio
I'm making a documentary
I'm learning to edit and film.
With those things what titles could I have? Where could I work? I wouldn't want to work as an editor or director unless it was for something that I'm doing myself or independently. So I feel at loss, I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm definitely over-doing that thing where i look at other people's paths and journeys and compare it with mine. what I have to remember is that everyone's story is different and everyone's time is different. Focus on your own lane.
Here's what I'm thinking though:
- Work with Frank Obi if only to get access to artists and camera equipment to do work with.
- Make a plan for finishing editing doc with view to release by November
- After finishing edits, discuss partnering with Olasunkami http://www.getmemedia.com/DB/market-insight/entertainment-brand-partnerships.html
- think of the themes that nws touches on and think of what brands here and in nigeria also touch on those themes. lifestyle brands? travel brands? - travel because the theme is nigerians who have dual identities which implies trans-national/trans-continental "afropean" etc. Lifestyle brands that exemplifies bold progressive ideals... partner with independent businesses owned by individuals that have an nws-type background...
- After identifying suitable brands, create proposal like tokd cm's and send to potential brands in nigeria.
- "Because of the themes like cultural duality that no wahala deals with, I think NWS is uniquely positioned to develop partnerships in a far more integrated way than some other brands may be."
- SBTV - Meet Isaac for a coffee. Get advice re: nws, after editing some episodes, approach him and say you're doing an episode on uwa, would he like to put it on sbtv? Do the same with other grime platforms like Linkup TV - Dylema's episode for SBTV as well? Film Dylema spoken word
- Do the same with other episodes - approach fashion/lifestyle/labels
Need to buy:
1. Make the doc
2. Connect with SBTV
3. Connect with USA people do