thedeadfredhead

Conquests of a Cunt
2016-09-11 16:00:32 (UTC)

September 11th

September 11

Apparently they don’t prescribe Adderall in Australia. Nevertheless, how is it, that Ritalin has become the high point of my life. I mean, I get it free, it’s legal, and it makes me happy. For little while at least. A manufactured upper, is the only thing I truly connect with. What’s missing? I keep feeling the same way. A seemingly endless cycle. I don’t want to. How can no one be even remotely interesting? It’s like that movie, Anomalisa. Am I gonna have a mental breakdown? The internet keeps telling me Kanye West is a philosopher. All he does is talk about death. Am I a philosopher then? I just need new ideas. Existentialism is taken. Nihilism is taken. I don’t know what Absurdism is but it’s taken. I just had a thought. If our brains are just chemical reactions, and drugs like Ritalin literally change the chemicals, can’t we just reduce our minds back to that point where we lose self awareness. Like a dog. Or perhaps give ourselves permanent Ego death. That’s a real weird feeling. If you can call it that. Fuckin nangs man.

I didn’t tell you she was moving. Ruby. France. I knew for a while. I didn’t tell you. This stupid journal is where I collect my thoughts, and it wasn’t something I wanted to think about. I don’t anymore. Outta sight outta mind I suppose. Proves my point. I don’t have any love to give, and if I did, no one I would give it to. I feel so weird. I don’t like anyone, but I know I’m not better than them either. Is it hypocrisy that I subconsciously judge their personality traits. I crave an anchor. Someone to ground me. Someone I don’t hate. Someone who doesn’t hate me. Someone I can connect with or at least vaguely relate to. There are people I know are cool, but I wouldn’t fit in with them, and I wouldn’t really want to hang around them unless I could. I’m the problem. My stupid fucking head is alienating me from others. I’ve never felt so lonely surrounded by so many. What is it that’s wrong with me? I’ve done irreversible damage to my social status. I hit my peak when I was in fourth grade. American’s love Aussie accents. Fourth grade was easy. How the fuck do you explain feelings? Is it social loneliness or is it existential loneliness? What’s the difference? Maybe both?

I wonder, how much time left do I have to keep fucking up? I could be past the middle of my life. Who knows, I could die tomorrow. What would it be like for everyone else if I died tomorrow? I guess my family would have to miss me. Obligation. Not because they particularly like me. Because they’ve spent too much time and money on me. I’d feel the same if I were them. But I’d definitely miss them. I’ve thought about it a lot. What if this family member died? What would I do? Terrible things to think about. But that’s where my mind goes. I wish it wouldn’t but it does. I don’t believe in depression, and I don’t believe in ADHD. I don’t believe in God and I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe in others, and I don’t believe in a just world. I don’t believe in believing in things.




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