thedeadfredhead

Conquests of a Cunt
2016-07-08 00:00:00 (UTC)

July 8th - July 9th

July 8th - July 9th

I’m kind of lost.

I’m not sure if I fully understand my own moral compass. I feel reversed and upside down. As if I’m right and everyone else is wrong. Other times I’m wrong. Should I feel bad about my opinions? I enjoy both sides but they’re despicable. And sometimes I just want to sit on the fence. But I can’t balance. I can’t balance on two feet. I don’t like most people close to me but I can’t push them away. If I do I’ll be nothing. In my own eyes. How do you write truthfully? How do you express a vague but constant longing for something, something you aren’t yet aware of? Will I find it? I find confidence in probability, but superstition increases my chances at success. I want to be a learned man, but I don’t want to sit around all-day reading, or asking questions or wondering. There’s always too little time. Probability. I’m not particularly sure if I care about my media-self or my public image. I tell myself that I don’t, but my hands shake when I speak publicly and I’m fearful of other people’s opinions. I don’t like these computers and tablets and electronics. They hinder my happiness. Was a man ever truly happy. But I’m addicted to these programs and these short-lived simulated experiences. As are so many others. Is it a drug? A medicine? Perhaps it’s a painkiller with fatal withdrawals. Again I’m on the fence. I love the concept of drugs. Any drug. The getaway. Dragged away from reality. But I’m terrified of the reality of the escape. Again I’m on the fence. I feel like I have brilliant ideas sometimes. But I can’t tie them together. I can’t finish building what I’ve started. I see the cynical side instead of the hopeful one. I’m quite interested in the art of distraction. and manipulation. And politics. But I don’t want to be involved. I’d like to be able to pull strings, but I doubt I will hold any real power. Does Lucid Dreaming even work? The concept intrigues me, but I’m not sure what I’d want to see. Maybe I will be told. Is there a god? If so, why is he/she/it such a dick? I could never understand the logic of the believers. “God just is” “The universe couldn’t create itself”. Is Life just endless loneliness until you die? Can you feel belonging in another’s arms? How can one know true love? Is it real? Does everyone have a chance? I’m not sure what I want. Or what anyone else wants. And that’s the way to persuasion you know? Understanding someone’s wants. Are the sad moments worth the happy ones? I think I believe that having children is selfish. You bring an innocent unknowing child into a world that can and will twist it hundreds of ways. Not every kid is a special snowflake. I want to be honest with myself, but even I think I’m a fucking idiot. I just want to sit on the fence.

I’m kind of lost.




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