LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2016-09-05 15:14:43 (UTC)

From Monday


"Never Ending Math Equation" by Modest Mouse [today's MM favorite from yo's truly]

I'm the same
As I was when I was six years old
And oh my god, I feel so damn old
but I don't really feel anything

On a plane
I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my God, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?

Oh my God, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?

The universe works on a math equation
that never even ever really ends in the end
Infinity spirals out creation

We're on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
We ain't sure where you stand
You ain't machines and you ain't land
And the plants and the animals, they are linked
And the plants and the animals eat each other


September 5, 2016 Monday 3:20 PM


School starts in two days now, guys. Three, two, one, here we go.

I'm feeling kinda angsty again, but in a good way. There's nothing negative about it, which doesn't really make sense, but...

Liv texted me at 4 in the morning. I had just fallen asleep an hour before. This guy Sherman is at her house.

She said, "Sherman is back," and I don't remember who he is, but then maybe I do. I think he's her mom's ex boyfriend. I remember Liv hated him so much.

She wanted to come to my house for like three days but her mom won't let her leave now. Maybe that's for the best. I don't really know. I hope things work out. I feel like Liv's life has been really shitty lately, with that death and all her self-inflicted stress.

(When I say self-inflicted, I don't mean to suggest like.. I dunno. I don't mean to give her all the responsibility for the stress??? If you know what I mean??? I feel like it's partly her fault, because she has signed up for a thousand difficult classes this year, but I also understand the kind of academic pressure she is feeling so... yeah.)

Poor Liv. And I am not in a place to comfort – I am not in a place where I care, haha.

I DO care, but seriously, sometimes I think something is a little fucked with me. 'Cause this kind of caring is forged out of I-am-supposed-to-be-concerned when I'm really not.

I'm very confused.

Either way, I'm going to act like I care out of, like, the bottom of my heart. I will try to at least. Why am I so disconnected sometimes? A lot of the time? Hmm.

I love Liv. If this caring comes from somewhere, it comes from that fact. I don't want her to feel bad. I don't care what's happening. I don't care about why she feels bad. But I care a lot about her, so like... yeah. Besides, it's not like I get bored hearing about it if she does wanna talk about her issues.

I don't.

Not because her issues aren't boring – they might be, idk – but because I love her enough so that even if I think otherwise, I'm going to automatically present myself as interested.

I don't know if I always do this, but I try. Anyway, the point is I don't want her to feel bad and I like listening to her. Liv is lovely and I hope she is ok right now.

I feel like I have just written a lot about Nothing, and I still don't understand. I still don't even know if any of the above is the truth. God, I hate that.

---

THINGS THAT I PRETEND WILL HAPPEN:

1. I'll hang out with Meekah again someday

2. I'll get high again someday

3. I'll have time to hang out with friends this year

4. I will make time to hang out with friends this year

5. I will want to hang out with friends this year

6. I'll stay in touch with my friends when I go to college.

7. My friends'll stay in touch with me when we all go to college.

8. Me, Alexis, and Liv will go to a concert while we're in college and get high and just, I don't fucking know, let loose?


There are exceptions to this list. I will probably add to it in the future.

----

MY IDEAL ADULT LIFE:

1. Live comfortably and be able to give my money away to family in Nicaragua, and my mom, and anyone who I think needs it. Everyone wants this, though.

2. Have a job with a sporadic schedule so I don't get bored with the five-day-a-week flow... Have a job where I don't always have to be around people, I can be sort of private, the way I like.

3. Be good at my job.

4. Enjoy my job. Be happy.

5. Have friends. Duh. Keep some of my old friends from now. Keep all of my old friends from now.

6. Live in a cold place that is beautiful in the summers. Like a cross of Idaho, California, New York, and Maine. Somehow. I don't know. I just want cold weather and sunny days. AnI like the change of seasons.

7. Oh! Live some place that's private enough for me to masturbate without worrying about anyone hearing me.


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