LustingforNightmares

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2016-08-29 17:44:20 (UTC)

Who Knows What I Even Wrote About In This Entry

"Bad News" by Owen [I'm in the mood for this kind of guitar/harp sound...it's sounds like a lot of sun, but winter sunlight – it doesn't chase away the bite of cold, y'know? That, or it's a cool summer day, like how it is right now with the air starting to smell like autumn, but the sun's still golden??? Why does my life revolve around the sun. Wait. All of our lives revolve around the sun. But I seem to think about it a lot...]


August 29, 2016 Monday 5:44 PM


School starts in a little more than a week. I am excited, but also no. I don't want to go yet... I'm just starting to get a real daily system going... I'm worried it won't carry over into the school year and I will spend the next nine months sleep-deprived and dead inside.

At least I look really cute, but the stress might kill that soon haha.

I have a habit, during the year, of allowing myself to look tired which makes me feel tired. I'm going to try to Not Do That this year because then I think I confuse people. They think I hate school.

No, I have a love-hate relationship with school. And myself. I do not like being confined. School confines. But then, I also confine myself. So my hate is directionless and I think that's why it sticks around me, floating in and out of my head. I am a selectively permeable membrane.

I am sleepy right now. I did not get the proper amount of sleep, but damn it, I tried. I tried going to bed at two in the morning (I finished my daily quota of work at around 1 AM), planning to get up at like 10 or 11, but I couldn't sleep. I ended up going downstairs at a little past four in the morning and falling asleep on the couch after some more tossing and turning. And I kept waking up intermittently. It wasn't great.

I have Peer Leadership very, very soon. I should go.

I feel weird right now. I think I'm just cold, and the sun is setting, and I'm tied up in the head.

gotta go.

-----

"Florida" by Modest Mouse

Although we often wondered
It was no thing of wonder
The shit that flew from our minds


August 31, 2016 Wednesday 9:05 PM


My kitty is staring at me. She looks half-asleep.

I'm feeling angsty. I just... want to angst. I wanna talk about death and about the fact that I'm growing up, how I'm scared and how I never really thought it'd happen this fast or something.

At the same time, I really don't wanna talk about that at all haha. I feel a little terrible, like I've had my first few layers of skin peeled off. A little raw.

Sigh.

I like how sometimes, Isaac Brock sounds kind of hysterical, like he's kind of on the verge of a nervous breakdown and everything is so fucked he just can't help laughing. It's good.

We used to go to this place called the Palace Theatre on school field trips. I think mostly to see plays or musicals, but once there was like an orchestra there, but I thought that was boring. I still am not a huge fan of orchestras, but I really love the piano.

Anyway, I loved the Palace Theatre. It looked like a palace to me, all gold and curly and full of weird, biblical-type paintings. The ceiling of the Palace Theatre had cherubs painted onto it, I think... I can't remember, but I do know it was it in the style of classics. The painting, I mean. I used to spend a lot of time staring at it.

The sky looked like that today. It had the same colors – blue, and pale orange clouds and bright gold sunlight. This was nearing sunset, though. Before that, the whole sky was just white. It was like that all day. I don't know, I like white skies, but they're starting to get on my nerves. They're kinda depressing. The light stays the same all day, and it's so cold.

I am content. Is it possible to be angsty and content all at once?

I don't need people. I need to know they are there, but I don't need them. It's nice.

Alexis was telling me about how she loves her girlfriend. Like, she Loves her. I was amazed. I tried asking her what exactly Love was, but Alexis was about as helpful as google. She's like, "It's just something extra that you know is... there..." or something. She was a little high when she told me this, so maybe that had something to do with it. I was not high, but I was really tired and neither of us could stop laughing.

She had been trying to describe it more to me: "Do you know what a crush is like?"

"Sort of????"

"It's like a crush! Except you don't put them on a pedestal."

I was very confused. We talked about my sexuality for like two seconds after that because I mean, it was obvious that I kind of forgot what a crush feels like, since I don't get them very often (Birdy is attractive but I wouldn't call that a crush). The last one I had was freshmen year. Before that, thiRD GRADe so...

Alexis was like, "Maybe you're demisexual," since I don't think I'm asexual.

I was like, "Maybe."

"I'm happy you know what that is."

"Yeah, I mean sort of. It's like when you're kind of asexual, but you can fall in love if you know a person really well?? That sounds really lame but it also sounds like something I would do haha..."

"Except for with Mr. Sandwich's son."

Which is only sort of true. Mr. Sandwich's son is very pretty, but so is Birdy. They are people who are supposed to be beautiful but... like, from afar, I guess. I don't know them as people, and I'm not sure I want to. Not that I DON'T want to – I'm just not particularly compelled to find out. Does that make sense?

SO yeah. I really don't get what Alexis is talking about.

I feel like anything I'd get from an actual relationship, I can get from Liv. Except for sex, but I don't even want that. I get horny, but all I wanna do with that is masturbate it away – yay, fun! I don't wanna go out and have sex with another human being. I don't want to have sex. It's just. Not something I can see myself doing. It seems fun, I guess, but... can I opt out? For now, at least? I mean, it's hard for me to look at people and find them actually sexually attractive (unlike Liv, who imagines everyone having sex and is totally comfy with this) and it's hard for me to find myself sexually attractive. I feel like if I were to have sex, it'd never be a purely physical thing, there'd really have to be something else, something alien, 'cause no I just can't deal.

I know my mind might change, but I like to think I know myself well enough to know I'll never be REALLY excited to have sex with another person. Unless I'm like in love with them. If that can even happen with me.

Was I starting to get lonely at Polly's? I guess, but I think internet contact was enough for me. I think it was the lack of sleep and excess work that was freaking me out. Everything else was nice.

I feel good and nice and things are just... I'm excited. I'm excited for the school year. After that... it'll be good to get out of here.

I think I'm starting to accept that my childhood is really gone, and has been for awhile. Like, I haven't been without real responsibilities for a long time. I wish I took advantage of it when I had the chance, but adulthood has its own freedoms and that should be cool.

Still, there's nothing quite like being taken care of. Nothing quiet like having your life in a little bubble, running around without any worries, begging to stay up late just for the heck of it, crying when you get hit in the face with a snowball. Playing by yourself (that was a favorite) with little plastic animal toys, or outside with some sticks and a pile of tiny flowers (I was building a fairy hut – I later showed Aaron how to do this).

I mean, if I stay up late now, it is with motive. And I mostly take care of myself, although my mommy does make me food, which I will miss very much.

Besides, it kind of sucked being a kid! I mean, don't get me wrong, I mostly loved it while experiencing it and I love the memories, but I keep thinking about how much everything hurt! Like, Jesus. The slightest change in tone felt like a shock to my system. It was almost a physical pain. No fucking wonder I was such an anxious middle schooler, it only got worse with age... and now it's better.

(Although i STILL GO NUMB WHEN I TRY TO APPROACH CERTAIN TOUCHY SUBJECTS, WHICH IS SO ANNOYINg)

I am comforted, knowing that my anxiety was an inherent trait and that it could have encouraged the shitty thought patterns I had (which in turn encouraged my anxiety). It's nice to know I'm not totally at fault. I'm actually reading about psychiatric disorders for Brain Facts right now, and the first section is on anxiety disorders.

Apparently dogs can get OCD. What a funny world.

People need tragedy. There was a kid I was talking to the other day – he seemed really sad. Really upset. But he couldn't get the words out. I would type what he DID manage to say, but I feel like that'd be a breach of privacy, especially since it was during a session.

But it made me think: yeah, people need tragedy. They need a reason to feel terrible sometimes. I don't know why we need that, but it seems like a real deep need for some. I don't know if it's this way for everyone.

I used to need tragedy. I wanted a reason to feel bad. I felt terrible already, I just... y'know. Wanted an excuse that wouldn't make me feel so guilty. It's a bad thing to wish for, I know, but I couldn't help it.

Yeah. I guess it's more common than I thought, this wish for something awful!

Why? Why do we want that? Does it only show up in people who have some kind of chemical imbalance in their brain?

It only makes sense for it to show up in discontented people. Anyone who's totally happy – well, they just wouldn't wish for that. But then, no human is totally happy all the time.

Point is, something's gotta be missing to make a person crave tragedy. It's funny that so many folks do this, and they feel so guilty for the fantasy! It's only funny in retrospect.

Can I even call it retrospect? I'm not exactly looking back at The Times In Which I Imagined Tragedy. I still imagine tragedy, just for fun sometimes, but I got tired of feeling guilty lol. So yeah, when it comes to that, I don't get guilty.I just don't. There are a lot of things I don't feel guilty for now haha. Like hurting people in that very Veronica way that I do. I mean, yes, I feel bad – but not guilty. It surfaces sometimes, but mostly not and I don't exactly regret my actions.

OK.

Goal for the future: learn about human beings and their weird behavior and their weird reasoning. It's cool.


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