Velociraptor

Clustered Thoughts
2016-08-30 19:29:45 (UTC)

Fuck

I might end up dying from suicide. Not because I don't like some things about life because I do but just from being unable to deal with all of this. Because I don't know if I can handle it. I keep saying I got into a bad situation last year. I didn't "get into a bad situation," I was raped and it's my fault (of course people would say it wasn't but I could have avoided it and meeting up with him was my choice so it was) and now I might be pregnant and I've spent the past couple of days googling everything I can think of to figure it out and I can't fucking deal with this constant muted dread and uncertainty and misery. Any time I make any progress more of the ground crumbles out from underneath me and I don't know if there's anything to live for at this point. I mean sure there's stuff that I would love to live for if I could just get it but is it worth the effort of getting up and brushing my teeth when I'm so fucking tired? My friends have admitted that they find me emotionally draining and don't know what to say to me when I want to talk about what happened and why should they? There's nothing good to say, nothing that will help and I guess what I want is for someone to understand how bad it is to go through what I went through but that's also the last thing I would ever want because that would mean it happened to someone else. And it has happened to other people, so many of them, and I feel stupid compared to most of them because they're so much stronger than me and have gone through so much more.
I'm completely terrified (even though I still feel detached from the emotion, the only thing I have access to is numb dread) and I have no idea what to do and it's all sapping my will to do the things I need to do to be successful this semester and I can't afford that because breaking down this time isn't an option after last year's grades. I fly out tomorrow but I guess I'll go to sleep now because it's so much better than being awake to experience all of this.




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