Story of a Girl
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2016-08-20 01:19:06 (UTC)


My dad's workplace closes at 10PM and it's 2AM now--he still hasn't arrived home. I was actually waiting for him to come home with food, like he always does, but he hasn't arrived and I haven't eaten anything since 1PM. There's really not much to eat and not enough for me to make something to eat. I don't start school until the 29th and I decided that tonight I'd sleep an hour or two earlier but now I'm not even sure if I'll be able to sleep knowing my dad isn't picking up his cellphone. If he's running late, he'll call me and tell me if anything came up. But so far, I've yet to get a call from him. I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little anxious. "Little" is definitely an understatement. I didn't start worrying until 12AM, since he does sometimes come home at that hour, but now it's 2AM and I can't really fall asleep. I can't help but assume that the worst has happened. Sometime around late July or early August, my dad was pulled over because of the car he was driving. He's been helping a coworker sell her car by driving it around whenever he can, y'know, to help advertise. There was something wrong with the license plates so a cop pulled him over but fortunately for my dad, this cop wasn't a racist, but one of the friendly cops. He told my dad he could easily arrest him right there and then but he let my dad go home with a warning. My dad says that the license plate issue has been "cleared" but meh, I'm still a little iffy. I've got a strong suspicion that my dad had decided to drive this same car to work and he was yet again stopped by the police. But this time, he didn't get a warning. I'm afraid immigration is going to get all involved in this and FUCK. I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight. Earlier in May too, El Viejo Pansón was actually held by immigration. He called my dad while he spoke to police so my dad could be a "witness" and then my dad later tried calling him, but there was no answer. Later on that week, my dad had explained to me what happened. Someone with his same name had gotten into some legal trouble somewhere in California but immigration tracked down El Viejo Pansón to North Dakota instead, the wrong person. He's not exactly legal but somehow, immigration let him go. Knowing this, and the fact that my dad's not home yet, is terrifying to me.

I'm honestly just a huge, nervous wreck right now. My dad never comes home this late, so something's up. I'm tempted to call his workplace and ask if he even arrived to work, but I guess I'll just put it off until later in the morning. I sent my mom a text message too, so I'm hoping she reads it early in the morning once she wakes up. I'm just really fucking worried right now. I've already made so many possible worst case scenarios in my head, and I KNOW they're not real but why do I feel like they are? Why do I feel like my dad getting arrested is EXACTLY what happened? It most likely is and I don't want that to be the reality.

I really thought senior year would be better... School hasn't even started and senior year is already shit. Maybe I'm just overthinking this entire thing. I'm known for overthinking everything. But still, if something had happened, my dad would've called to let me know. Nearly 2:30AM, and he's still not home. I figured that if I wrote this down, it might help calm my nerves. It helped a little, but I still believe I won't be getting much rest tonight.


2:30AM update: I literally feel so stupid right now. So, I only got 3-ish hours of sleep last night. The freshman orientation at my school was today at 8AM & I had set my alarm for 7:26AM. I didn't have to, but Briana wanted me to come with her. She's been terrified of coming to my school because she'll be around "bigger kids" in the hallway. At my middle school, each grade has their own separate hallway. The sixth graders in the 600's, the seventh graders in the 700 hallway, and the eighth graders in the 800 hallway. The grades only cross each other in electives, during lunch, or in between classes in the quad. The 6th graders will rarely ever go into the 700 or 800 hallway, unless if they're in extremely advanced classes. My school is honestly like one giant indoor quad that connects all the mini hallways and buildings. Briana is so used to the fact that she only interacts with kids in her grade that she's terrified of having to interact with older kids at this school. It's really no big deal, though. Her bumping into seniors and juniors is going to be the least of her worries when she only has 4 minutes to get from Building A to the second floor of Building C. THAT ASIDE, she wanted me to accompany her to the freshmen orientation and I figured, why not? I asked Elías to come with us, since he hasn't stepped foot near the school since his graduation. We arrived at the school about 8:15AM and we came to a surprise: only the freshmen could step inside the gym. Siblings, parents, or anyone who wasn't entering the 9th grade had to wait four whole hours in the cafeteria. Briana only wanted me to come along so I could give her a better tour of the school. The SC kids give super quick and vague tours and me having been there all four years, she thought I could come along and show her in detail, but that obviously never happened. Elías and I waited in the cafeteria until 11:45AM, once the tours had finished. Reminder, the two of us were running on 3 hours of sleep. At 11:45AM, Briana came out and we all ate some of the pizza that the staff provided for everyone. I then called my dad to pick us up. Also, the orientation was NOTHING compared to MY freshmen orientation. Mine actually had me looking forward to high school. Anyway, we ate "breakfast" at 1PM and since we were so tired, El and I locked ourselves in his room and fell asleep. We didn't wake up until 5PM, an hour after my dad had left for work. Neither one of us bothered to leave his room. We never went down to the kitchen to grab food, we never left to go to the bathroom, we were in his bed the entire time. So... I was planning on calling my dad's workplace, right? To check if he had made it to work.

Funny story: I was still feeling anxious but I decided to go to the bathroom because I hadn't gone all day. I used the bathroom downstairs because Liz was in the one upstairs and since my dad's room is near the bathroom I was in, I decided to check if he was, somehow, in his bedroom and I just didn't hear him come home... HE WAS IN HIS ROOM THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.

This serves as a lesson for me constantly overthinking and assuming the worst happened.

However, I'm still concerned. Just earlier today, my dad was complaining about his boss, who had said he would fire my dad if he missed one more day of work. My dad had this "idfc" attitude and well, as it seems, my dad slept in and most likely didn't call in to work today. He probably lost his job as well, and my dad probably doesn't give a shit, still. This was a good paying job, too, so I don't understand why my dad just wouldn't care about getting fired. ALSO, I don't understand how my dad can sleep literally all day. After 5PM, I was wide awake and I'm certain I would have heard him at least get up to go to the bathroom. How the fuck was I not aware that he was home? Or, why didn't any of my sisters, who were actually AWAKE, tell me he was home the entire time? I was worried over nothing! I mean, I just assumed he went to work. I always (usually) see him off at the door, wishing him a good day and whatnot. I rarely take naps during the day but when I do, I wake up long after he's gone and y'know, he comes home in one piece. I took the nap today and I thought today would be one of those days where I just don't see him off at the door. Jesus christ, I feel so stupid.

I'm so, so stupid. :)

((At least now I can sleep in peace, right?))

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