nin137

Nick's Journal
2016-08-18 17:36:28 (UTC)

One Year "Sober"

today, exactly one year ago, i entered rehab. as an alcoholic i was really on my very last leg. i was literally drinking myself to death. i would not go to work anymore, i would drink from the beginning of the day to the end. i really was nothing more than one big drunk (massively overweight and beyond even unhealthy at that point) just waiting for death.

i honestly don't want to write much. i don't know why i don't want to write. i just feel like i need to commemorate this day somehow. so why is "sober" in quotations?

well cowardly as i was, once i got out of rehab i started smoking weed. of course i justified it to myself, that i needed it. i just couldn't go completely clean.

for the past two weeks, exactly to the day, i have been completely sober. no mind-altering chemicals. it's been tough, yes, but it was nothing like quitting drinking.

so i don't know what more to write and i really have no desire to write further. i can just transcribe how i feel right now for posterity's sake. i feel happy. i feel agitated at times, but during those times i take my dog on long walks. i feel invincible. i feel confident in myself and my abilities to overcome anything. and i mean anything.

i feel like the world is no longer malevolent. i no longer have this paranoid view of the world. the world is random. particles and people bouncing into each other. i don't really view the world as benign, as it, and certainly people, are not benign. they are just random and nonsensical.

i thought i would feel spiritual after all of this. i don't. i am even more a staunch atheist than ever. i don't say that with that idiotic dawkins snobbery, it is just simply what i feel. i feel very together. very capable.

i don't feel the incredible highs about myself that i did when i abused; but i also don't feel that terror in the lows. i feel...even.

nothing exciting, but also not dull. i feel like my mental faculties are sharp for the first time in a long time. it is really amazing that they are even there considering what i have done in the past. also not bragging, just disbelief.

i am now completely sober. i beat the worst demon one year ago. these lesser hobgoblins plaguing my life in its everyday randomness are nothing. i finally feel like somebody, not a listless, lifeless loser. yay for me, now i am just like everybody else. average, even, but happy. happy and proud.

froehlich und gluecklich.