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2016-08-15 12:02:48 (UTC)

Ethereal, I'm In Bloom!

"Stale by Noon" by Waxahatchee

ethereal, i'm in bloom
torturing the afternoon
simple things will light me up
i can imitate some kind of love
or i could see it for what it is and stop kidding myself
we are not that alike
i can be a ray of light
but you are always in my head
down on earth, rest in bed
i could stop praying for everybody,
i'm just wasting my time
i'll read your philosophy and get a new lease on life
i get lost looking up
i get lost looking up

[Elise, come listen to Waxahatchee with me, settle my brain by existing again – god damn it]

August 15, 2016 Monday 12:04 PM

I have been reading Brain Facts, reading about the brain, the nervous system, etc. etc.(I've got this cute image in my head of the growth cone of an axon poking its little head around the body, like hey man, where do I belong? It's little molecule friends flyin' out from all directions, shouting over each other, "Go that way! Towards that one dude!" "Yeah, man, over here!" "No, what, why are you going straight ahead? It's not straight ahead, he's to the LEFT. The LEFT, dude!!" Lil growth cones, just tryna find a home, just hopin' to form a synapse sometime soon).

When I'm reading this stuff, I've got a mixture of feelings. It's definitely homework. I tell myself, "okay, one page and then I get to practice piano for a bit.." things like that to encourage myself.

But then, at the same time I do genuinely find this stuff interesting. I can feel my brain sorta lighting up at these ideas, it's always the ideas, of how the body works, how it forms and how we go from all this technical stuff to actual thought, which to me seems like such a formless thing, almost impossible to create tangibly but here it is in our heads, coded and reproduced over and over again.

We, for the most part, work.

It makes sense that we're not like a machine, or a computer. People compare our brains to just that, but I read in one of these books that the comparison is inaccurate – we're so much better than that. We don't need phrases programmed into us, we don't need specific commands, we're flexible.

We've got all the ingredients for thought. They're not quite built yet, not till they've got a reason – no matter how stupid – to exist.

My understanding of how all this works is incredibly limited, but I have big dreams of one day Getting It. Mostly, I mean...

What if there's something more? I don't believe in God, and I believe people can convince themselves of anything, but whose to say all their stories are lies? Maybe there's something more.

I don't really believe that, but I don't wanna dismiss it either. If I ever get far enough, I'd like to work on that kind of research – to see if there's something more to the mind. Are we really islands??

On one hand, I don't like opening myself up to this sort of possibility, because it seems like the answer would be, "Yes, dude, there's nothing else there, we're just people, not this big spiritual mass or whatever," which, okay, is not what I'm trying to say.

How am I managing to misunderstand myself?

I don't think there's anything spiritual about it! I think it would be cool if it were real – the idea of interconnected humanity... biologically, I mean – with real science behind it. But for now, I'ma stick with the stuff we know.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Anyway, this stuff just makes me happy and I know that the above could be really stupid, but please excuse me. I'm just learning haha.

The thing that scares me about it is that it just reminds me of what I can't escape, in a way – writing, y'know? It's always that, it always goes back to that???? I don't know how to explain it. All my thoughts, all the things I learn, find a way to hide themselves in that corner of my brain, with all the words.

(PS: What I am talking about is all this stuff people have reported about 'visions' and shit, knowing about events before they actually happen. It could be muddled memory, extreme stress, stuff like that making people think things that aren't true, but it's horrible to be dismissed like that... it deserves some consideration I think.

I'm still being vague, aren't I?)



1. Laney can't go to Johnson & Wales. She was accepted, but the cost is too much and because she's younger, they won't offer as much aid. She'll have to go when she's twenty, after she's gone to the local culinary school for a couple years first.

I'm sad for her. I hope she doesn't hate every second of her life in this town... city... town-city. I have a tendency to think of my city as a small place, but it's kind of a cluster of little towns. Not really, it's just one place, but some of the neighborhoods have names and schools that go by that name.

So it's not a town. I guess my world is just kind of small.

Anyway, I hope Laney can be really happy here still.

2. My parents went to a pool party yet, at Brennan's parent's house I think (I'm still thinking about him and regretting shit and okay I'm just generally feeling conflicted).

Turns out my professor was there! Mom was telling her about how I stayed home to do homework. Mom also told her about how I do homework a lot and how she almost didn't want me to do this program and was like, "Okay, Bero, but if you get stressed during the year, don't take it out on me."

Apparently my professor was like, "Oh, please tell her not to stress!"

Her name is Ruth. She's very nice. !!! She doesn't terrify me! I am less and less terrified as the days go by.

(Did you know stress acTUALLY affects your functioning? I mean, yes, everyone knows that, it's just common sense, but I'm talking on the biological level??? Holy shit)

I hope my Mom told her that I enjoy the work at least. Mom also told me the other things Professor Ruth said about the program, how she wants us to be a big family like her previous classes.

I hope, I hope, I hope. Hope is better than not hoping in cases like these. Not-hoping can lead to Turtle Veronica. Hope can maybe make me rip open my rib cage for a bit.

Rip, tear.

WHo am I praying to? Why do I pray? Ah, shit. I don't feel like getting into that. I guess I'm just whispering to the general scheme of things??? Like, hey cause-and-effect, please – out of all the possibilities – let this be true.

Even though I know so much of that cause-and-effect, so much of what I want, depends on me and not some invisible external force.

3. Liv was over yesterday, which was nice, is always nice. She wiped her sweat on the shirt I was wearing. I kicked her.

We went down to Stephanie's for a short while to get some books for Liv's summer assignments and then we stuck around for ten minutes to touch Steph's doggies, which are cutE. One of them is a Yorkie, and I never liked Yorkies, but it turns out they're adorable??!?!?

We went back to my house after that. My parents left as Liv was helping me study Brain Facts, and so we ordered chinese food, ate and watched Archer and I told her about how I totally shipped a polyamorous relationship between Ray, Archer, and Lana. Liv was like, "No."

I also told her about how if I could switch sexes at will – assuming I was a really fit guy, really hot – I'd totally jerk off to myself. After much explaining, Liv finally understood and was like, "Yeah I guess I'd do that too... Veronica never have this conversation with anyone else ever."

We talked about living together in the future, and she told me that she's forcing me to apply to an Ivy League, which I'm already doing anyway so whatever. She said, "Harvard!" I said, "NO!"

If I'm going to an Ivy League, I'd rather go to Brown or something.

These are reach schools for me, though.

Liv thinks I'm really smart. Meanwhile, she thinks she's an idiot or something. I told her she's a hypocrite, and that I am too, because both of us think ourselves dumb and each other clever, and both of us are always trying to argue each other into new opinions, which never works.

4. Blinked to some dark thoughts last night, but not terrible, they didn't really hurt because I learned – who knows when, maybe forever ago – how to think through other people, even if those people aren't real.

I like building things.

Building human beings.

Frankenstein, monsters in the head, only it doesn't end like Shelley wrote it. :)

I wanna re-read Lord of the Flies, remember how terrible human beings are and remember why I love that we're so awful.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense – I barely understand it myself?? I just know that there is something I really love about destruction. There is something I really love about our inability to help ourselves, restrain ourselves.????

I like when people are shitty because it means they have shape.

I am going to go now. I have to get ready to go to Polly's.

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