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2016-08-10 21:58:50 (UTC)

Gonna Die, That's Okay

"Windows" by Angel Olson

Won't you open a window sometime
What's so wrong with the light?

August 10, 2016 Wednesday 9:59 PM

Watch me in thirty years fall down dead from a heart attack.

The brain is much better at retaining information if a person sleeps the proper amount, but I hate sleeping almost as much as I hate waking up.

Every day, I'm up until four in the morning, doing homework until 3 AM most of the time, not because I couldn't have done it early but because I'm a plain asshole.

Let's try to trace my sleep patterns, although I can't be sure I'll remember.

Last night: four hours.
Monday night: eight hours (good, but yikes, I slept til almost 1... yikes is such a nice word)
Sunday night: four hours.
Saturday night:??? possibly eight hours?
Friday night: eight hours (good)
Thursday night: four hours

And whoooo knows.

I think I also took naps on some of those days. I took a nap today, about an hour long. I had this nightmare, where I was at a country club (never actually been to a real one) or something and these little girls who worked there – twelve years old maybe – kept getting sucked into the ponds (they were strapped to golf carts that went haywire, but also I think the pond was sentient and bloodthirsty). They never resurfaced.

Some guy who watched them die, her turned to me and said, "You!!! Why are you letting this happen? I'm going to tell your supervisor and she is going to FIRE you!!!"

I couldn't make myself tell him that I didn't work there. I mean, I can see how he would be confused – I was wearing the uniform. I felt really guilty and it was just terrible and the ponds were so, impossibly deep.

But anyway:

I suppose I've been sleeping better than I thought. I think I've adjusted to the irregular hours, but then, I've read articles about how people who sleep six hours a night think they're very good at managing when really they're cognitive performance declines.

I do not want my cognitive performance to decline.

I also don't want to put stress on my body, which I know I am doing. Most days, for years, I am nauseas. Lack o' sleep. It's not even like I pull all-nighters, though, I just consistently get less than the approved amount of sleep, which is eight hours (I think it's actually nine or ten for people my age), and my body hates me for it.

Hah. Reminds me of when I took the AP exam on four hours of sleep. That was shitty. I almost fell asleep during multiple-choice...

This kind of gives me a big head, though. I'm like, hah, I can function well enough to get awesome scores on my schoolwork even when lacking sleep. What a shitty thing to be proud of.

I'm not used to feeling kinda smart and it's jarring, in a way. Too much power, people. I don't know. It's the same problem as always. Simultaneously, I believe I'm smart and not. SOooooo who cares.

I'm sleepy again. I slept from around seven to eight, and before that I was in and out of consciousness. I was hoping the nap would give me some energy, but nahh.

Oh!!! Oh my god!!

We got a new piano!!! Well, it's not new. It's actually like seventy-six years old. But it's an upright Steinway!!!! It's in severe need of tuning and maybe a little fixing up in a couple other ways, but it's prettyyyy and I love itttt and I wanna naaaame iitttt

(something gender neutral because I don't want it to be a girl but I also feel creepy calling my favorite things by male names??? Like my bike??? I almost named it Richard but just – no. Too weird. Also I don't even really like the name Richard, I just thought it was funny that I'd be able to call my bike Dick haha. But, shit. I digress)

!!! !! !!! My dad got the price of the piano cut in half so it was $500 which is pretty good for a piano. A Steinway especially. I'm eXCITED.

None of this. Noooone of this is what I meant to write about at all.

In conclusion, I am going to die young from all the physical stress I experienced as a child and teenager (yes, as a child I did experience stress, for no reason – I will explain this if I write another entry tonight).

I am totally okay with that (Edit: I am nOT okay with that, I am nOT. But at the moment, I am not particularly concerned which – yes – I should be, but I'm not sure how I can make my life work without sacrificing sleep). My life is really cool and I hate that I have to sleep so much, hate that my body wants it so bad. My brain wants it's hands on everything.

It's kind of an evil creature. Wants to slice everything up, look at it from the inside. Lucky I'm here to keep some morals tied to all that, I guess.

That's right, country club dude. You can't blame me for this shit because I've got a hold on my brain. I ain't about to let anyone get sucked into the pond.

So suck it. Shit.

I might be tired.

I definitely feel weird.

But awesome.