inbetween

inbetween
2016-08-10 22:33:43 (UTC)

Distance yourself so you don't have to..

Distance yourself so you don't have to take responsibility.
Isolate yourself you don't have to be afraid.
Kill yourself gradually so you don't have to make an effort.

Soak in the pain because you love the pain and pain is better than struggling for happiness. Whisper you're lonely in between the cracks and dream about the day you'll say it aloud and it won't be a *situation*. Dream about killing yourself. And between killing yourself and crying, you choose to slide the pain clinically across your thighs because that's the best kept secret.

Music is the only thing that gets you. Why is it so important to be mirrored? Are you not making yourself feel this way, be this way? Push all the right buttons in the right sequence and you're right where you are the most comfortable. Still music gets you beter than if you were to "open up".

That therapist is a liar. She also knows what buttons to push and she knows you push your own buttons. She talks from a script. Adjusts her voice just so. Exactly, she tells you what she thinks you want or need to hear. Here, she thinks, lies a doe fawn of a sociopath. She doesn't know it, but she's been spoilt rotten and she's perpetuating the situation, she thinks. She's scared and lonely, so let's just comfort her gently like a parent would comfort a child, she thinks.

You're sick of being treated like that. You hate yourself so much, yet you are, in fact, scared and lonely - you just want someone to yell at you and help you build the strength of character you need to stand strong.

Sign up to things you know you will hate just to try new things, to change the mold. If others can, so can you. Childishly fantasize about abandoning everything you have committed yourself to, to go on a journey and became a "new you". And then in the same breath admit that that's a flighty fantasy of escapism. You don't know if you're on the right track, you can't FEEL anything on that matter. Screw gut feeling and intuition, you've always been too stuck on fitting in to tell yourself from others.




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