miki

the walk
2016-08-09 04:09:06 (UTC)

Fear about Thursday

It is not like I am scared of thursdays in general. ...I am scared of this particular thursday.

It is going to get me.

I do not want to talk about it with any friends, yet I write a public diary. Apparently I want to be heard after all. Funny.


What is going to happen?
I am young and I have a doctor's appointment on thursday.
I will ask for the removal of my uterus.
I do it voluntarily.
I am so scared.

Obviously a person would say "If you are scared, then don't do it."
Oh how I wish to simply say "Okay, sure, I won't do it!" I wish I could simply decline my idea, back off and act like I never wanted for it to happen. ...but I do. I want it to be gone.

I wish I could talk about it with somebody, on the other hand I would like to keep silent about it. Which is probably why I use a public diary. It is a way to adress "someone" but not "someone in particular". That makes it easy for me to get it off my chest.

The reason.
I must not forget about the reason.
I must not forget about the pain I feel.
But I must not forget that there is the tiny little chance that this pain I suffer has no origin in my uterus whatsoever. If my surgery is over and the pain is still there, what am I going to do? Making a decision that is actually introducing me to a point of no return is a scary thing to do.
Well of course it is. Silly me.
Years of pain gone, yet years of pain to come.
Will my choice be the right one?

I have no diagnosis regarding the origin of my pain. I am asked to see a counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist. I shall be checked if my mental health is the reason for it. ...it wasn't. It is still the very first conclusion every new doctor comes up with. Every single one I have been to, all of them have the same thoughts about what it could be. All of them are checking for the same things. All of them find nothing and declare me mentally ill.

I need to do something. I have waited for so long.
So it is my way of dealing with it. I ask for the removal!

Yet... am I making the right choice by wanting it to be removed?
Is there a possibility of suffering from phantom pain, though it is not a limb I have lost but an organ? Does such a thing exist? If yes and the pain remains and the real origin is still hidden, how would I keep searching then? How would I deal with it?

My back is okay.
My uterus is okay.
My stomach is okay.
My guts are okay.
My blood is okay.

...however...
Is my bladder okay?
Are my kidneys okay?

It is probably not the right thing to ask, apparently there are no possible connections between the pain down low and those parts of my intestines, but why do they not get checked?
It was bothering me for some time. 3 of the doctors I asked said that there was no necessity to think of a connection, it would be impossible.

Since Friday I am telling myself that I have to remember the pain.
On Saturday, all day long I told myself that it is in order to make it go away.
All Sunday I kept my determination.
On Monday I called my doctor. And that was when my determination was taken over by my fear.

What do I do if they refuse to do it? How can I endure it any longer?!
But what is even more important - What if they agree and my decision was wrong?!

More than 10 years of searching for the origin was enough. I cannot wait any longer. They are not likely to find anything. I have to take actions myself.
I must not waver. I must not waver. I must not waver!
...but I am so scared....

What choice do I have?

I want to stick to my decision.
I want to do it.
I need to do it.
The pain has to go away, I cannot take it much longer!

Tuesday morning. The birds just started chirping.
Please Miki. Stay strong.




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