✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-08-08 05:38:57 (UTC)

Whole Feelings


Dear Reader,

It's just been a huge Roller Coaster of emotions today.

I've really just been so conflicted over how I should feel over the entire situation, and that's mainly because I don't know what's really going on.

Josh told me last week that he was going to be spending this week at his uncles, who doesn't have Internet.

I was nervous when he told me this news, mainly because...
Well like I did in my last entry, our relationship has been a bit rocky.. And stressed... And it's the longest so far that we will be apart.

So.. I was nervous, but I knew that he needed this time.. Not going to go into detail.. But he just needs time out of his house.

He told me that Sunday was the day that he was leaving.

So we talk on Friday, and he lets me know that he's going to be busy Saturday because he'll be getting ready to leave the next day.

Well.. I wake up Saturday morning, and we talk briefly, and he tells me he's going out in an hour.. And he wants to Skype all night with me when he gets back.
And then just a few minutes later he has to get off.
And that's the last I heard from him.
No goodbye.. No Skype.

And then at 7pm that same day.. I get a message from a friend of his saying this:
"Hi there, I'm friends with Josh and he has texted me asking to pass a message on to you to say that (if you haven't heard from him recently) the reason why you may not have been hearing from him is because he currently has no way of getting online as he has had his internet taken out and has no alternate means of internet access."

So, I'm really confused mainly about the part where he said "he had his internet taken out."

This was still Saturday.. So I messaged him back and asked if he meant that he was leaving already and that was why.. Or he doesn't have Internet at his house anymore or what, but he didn't know for sure.

I asked for his number, got it.. Tried texting him using the iMessage on the iPod... But his friend did say that he didn't have much credit left when Josh contacted him.

So Sunday has ended where I live, and it's now Monday here and where Josh is. Except that it's like almost 1am and it's 6am for him.

So.. I have no idea if Josh will be returning next week.
I don't know what's going on.. And I might not find out unless he writes me.. And I really hope he wrote down my address and everything... I wish I thought to ask for his uncles address.

I hope that this was just a big misunderstanding.. A big miscommunication..

This week is going to take ages to get through.


I'm not going to lie.. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Like..
I don't know how to deal with loss..
I don't know how to deal with breakups.. I don't know how to deal with dead friendships..

I don't know how to deal with losing people.
Suddenly, or gradually.

Whatever I feel, comes much later.

I have a mixture of numbness, and sadness about it..

I would like to say that the reason I'm on the fence about not knowing what to feel is because I don't know what's going on..

I also think it's because of a defense mechanism.

In the beginning of this relationship.. I opened myself up and let him venture really deep inside.. But then as things got more and more serious and then when issued started coming up.. Communication shifted.. Lack of skyping... Lack of talking.. Lack of intimacy..
I automatically started shutting myself back up as means of protecting myself. Problems hurt a lot more.. Impact you a lot deeper.. The more involved you are with a person.

If you know me that as soon as something starts hurting me.. My first impulse is to disconnect.. It's something I don't know how to change.

When I first read the message from his friend, I was in the bathroom.
And I remember having a full body reaction.. Like.. Everything just tensed up and tears formed into my eyes.. And I couldn't believe what I had just read.

Instantly I just didn't know how to process.. That he might not be around for a very long time.

I've heard of this happening, but I never thought it would happen to me.

What do I do? How long do I wait..
What's it going to be like if it confirms that he doesn't have Internet at all anymore...

Like.. I'm laying here writing this but it doesn't even feel like I'm talking about him.
That's how much shock I'm in, or how much I've disconnected it.

Last night I cried.. And I tried to stop.. But I remember thinking that it's okay to be upset that he's gone..
And I cried for a little bit and then I stopped and pushed it back down again..

I've gone through that today where I just tried to keep myself busy and distracted and wouldn't let myself think about it...
And I did have moments where I just felt so empty and alone.. And then I tried to tell myself that I don't care.. To just forget about it...

I tried telling Nick about it.. And of course he brushed it off and was just unresponsive and disinterested... And I kinda wanted to just tell him he was pissing me off.. But I just let it go.

I spread out my jewelry on my bed and just looked at it.. I like to do that sometimes. Just to see it all together.
It's therapeutic.

I took the pins off my hat.. Including the pin he got me. I don't know why.. I just wanted to hold it in my hand again.

I couldn't dance.. I didn't want to even be online today.
I watched tv for awhile.

I was just thinking about how I'm going to get through this week.

Like.. It's so frustrating that I have to wait a week or longer if he decides to stay longer just to get an answer.

And as horrible as it is.. I know we definitely needed time away from each other.. But that's what's scary..
What will it be like between us if/when he comes back?

What if it's worse.. What if it's awkward..


I laid down a little bit ago..
And I just felt so empty.. And I knew that I just needed to write this.

Honestly... I'm so frustrated with myself that I don't feel what I think I should be feeling.. It's not that I feel nothing or that I don't care...
I just feel guilty for not being torn up and devastated..

And as much as those feelings suck.. I hope they come if the answer is that he won't be back for awhile..

I feel like I shouldn't want to go about life as normal.. I shouldn't be happy or laugh.. Or try to ignore the fact that he's gone.

I just feel like such an asshole.. Like he's basically been my boyfriend for a little over 7 months..
And I'm just the worst fucking girlfriend ever.
I want to just have normal emotions..

I've always struggled with under-reactions..
With having faint feelings.. Pieces or halves and never whole feelings.. Or feeling nothing at all.. When I definitely should be.

And it has a lot to do with me shutting off my emotions as a kid..

I'm not sure what to do.. Or how to feel right now.

I hope this changed in the next few days or so.

Like.. Definitely.. When we broke up (see my entry "The Fifth Break-up"

I cried.. So fucking hard that night.
I was so upset over the thought of losing him... And I didn't even want to sleep that night and wake up the next day and have to face the reality that it was over.

And even after my break-up with Chaz.. The next day was hard.
And that relationship was just awful.


I just hope he's okay..
And I hope I hear from him next week.

Sincerely,
WhereAreTheRest?




Ad: