Chopin, "Nocturne in E minor, Op. 72, No. 1" played by Arthur Rubinstein
August , 2016 Sunday 3:22 AM
I have decided: Chopin sounds like falling. But, like. Not down the stairs, not tripping on your shoe laces or a crack in the pavement, I don't know. It sounds more like falling to your death.
I mean – that must be terrifying.
But what about that split second, as your hitting the ground – or the water – when your mind goes kinda black and everything is peaceful??? Not that I would know. I've just heard from near-death experiencers.
I feel like it must be the brain's last-ditch effort at self-preservation, some how.
But then, I have to think, what would be the evolutionary advantage to that? I mean. I don't know. Maybe it's not that. Maybe your... pain receptors (I feel like I used to know things about this???)... whatever... maybe they're the first bits of the brain to die out. I wonder when self-awareness goes – I wonder if you're still sort of you up until the last light goes out.
What I mean is, I wonder if you really need conscious thought to be you. Because I do get the feeling that, yeah, thought patterns and behavior and whatever define who you are, but... when all that is gone, and... say some teeny part of the cerebrum is left, nothing else, you feel yourself getting tinier (I'm thinking of intersecting shadows again, and how I used to hold my pinky in front of my face at night because I was sure it stopped existing).
Is that when you stop being you?? When do you stop being you??
WHat is 'YOU'? God damn it. I've gotta talk to Alexis. She's my philosophical conversation buddy.
Liv told me she gets a little jealous of me and Alexis sometimes, because Alexis makes me laugh a lot and she worries she doesn't make me laugh that way.
I get it. But, like. I don't know to explain the friendship between Alexis and me. It's like... the most platonic friendship ever. It's so cool. We both have our own best friends, both of whom are a little more emotional than we are, and we – Alexis and I – bond over our best friend troubles the way husbands' bond over marriage troubles.
If that makes sense. I still feel the need to explain further, because when I say "husbands" I'm not thinking of realistic, modern-day husbands. I'm thinking classic Oh-Brother! nuclear families, y'know, with the husband complaining about how his wife wants to buy a new couch even the old one is perfectly good. Ugh. Women! I swear!...
Haha. Not that Liv or Polaris (Alexis's best friend, if ya couldn't connect the dots) are annoying at all. It's just sometimes there are problems okay.
Like when I kept getting these wow-I'm-sick-of-Liv feelings, I talked to Alexis about it and – seeing as how she's had a best friend longer than I have – she knew what was up. She told me it was normal to feel like that, because the kind of best friends we have are almost sisters and it's natural to get annoyed with family members.
And also, Alexis and I like to talk about different things than Liv and I talk about.
Me and Liv talk about... everything??? I tell her stories about my day, we talk about porn – always fun – and sex and we make fun of each other and make each other food, generally annoy each other, yeah. Okay.
Alexis and I talk about a lot, but we're not like me and Liv. We always seem to get into philosophical-type things, y'know? Reminiscing. Self-discovery. God, okay.
Like, this one time, we sat on my couch for an hour when I was s'posed to help her study for SAT maths, and we just talked about our middle school years (we went to the same school but weren't friends) and how it has affected our current selves.
Other times, we talk about school and the school system, the ways in which it is fucked up and the ways in which we're the ones who are fucking it up.
We talk about the universe and science and art.
I talk about that with Liv sometimes, but she's opinionated so if I tell her about my interpretation of an art exhibit she'll be like, "I don't like that."
Alexis would say, "That's so interesting. I thought..." and she'd tell me what she thinks.
MY POINT IS, Alexis is not my best friend, but she's right there below Liv.
I can see why Liv is jealous, as an 'outsider,' but she really shouldn't be. As much as I love Alexis, I trust Liv way more. Maybe because we cuddle. Seriously, doesn't that do stuff to your brain chemistry?
I mean. Seriously. This morning I woke up with Liv's head on top of mine. I mean we were both laying on our sides. My face was on the mattress and her cheek was on top of my cheek. This isn't even the first time. Plus, there was that time I accidentally squeezed her ass while half-conscious and in pain. Haha. I wonder if she remembers that.
Liv is good.
She!!! Said some really nice stuff about me Friday night! My parents didn't make food, because sometimes they just don't cook dinner and we all fend for ourselves (one of the many customs I was raised with. It's not a custom, haha, it's just a thing that started happening when my mom started working).
Anyway, Liv and I decided to get some junk food. I got paid $100 for the hours I worked at the lab, and I spent like twenty bucks on our food. Ahhhh. We went to Cumberland Farms. Liv bought egg sandwiches and a coffee flavored frosty of sorts... I got two boxes of hot pockets and a seltzer haha. Both were delicious.
Ok!!! But anyway, on our way home, we got to talking. We're always talking.
(Note: Alexis thinks Adrian sees me the way Gatsby saw Daisy. I think the comparison is a little extreme but I suspect she doesn't mean it to be exact, in which case I understand what she's getting at.)
And, I can't remember what Liv said exactly, but I think this is how the conversation went?
Me: I can't believe people actually, like. Talk about me when I'm not around.
(in a positive way. Also, as a note, my nipples are hard because it's cold and it's very uncomfy. I mean right now. When the conversation I am writing happened, it was warm out)
And then somehow Liv got to saying, "How can people not be interested in you. Like, at first, I thought you were uptight kinda but.. getting to know you is like never boring. There's layers to you and you're so smart and..."
She started gesturing with her hands, waving them around her head and mine, and then she made a squeezing motion, curling her lip like she was about to friggin murder me?? But y'know, she still looked pretty, "sometimes I get kinda scared of how much information that tINY, TINY Head of yours can hold!!!"
!!! that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. My god.
She went on to say, "And I like when you type like a maniac. I mean... of course someone's gonna fall in love with you!"
"Thaaat's not the problem," I said. "The problem is I don't realllyy... love them back."
And she was like, "Well, one day you'll find someone and he'll be like.. weirdly turned on by your intense typing," and then she did this impression of my hot-for-me husband coming onto me while I was writing or something.
I seriously friggin love Liv, she is cute and nice to me.
She's such a cool person, generally. She doesn't really know it, which is kind of amazing but also not surprising. Most people don't realize how beautiful they are.
Liv thinks she's boring?? And doesn't know why people like her?? I mean. I know it's the same with me, but she's just – the trig teacher at our school told her she had great interpersonal skills.
Which is very true. Liv is really, really good with people, and she's very genuine, and she still feels kinda like a liar.
People are the strangest creatures and this is why I am glad that we are not always 100% human. Sometimes we can forget bits of us and just exist in one place at one moment. That is not human.
I'm exhausted. It's four o' clock in the morning. I'm listening to Angel Olsen and it's really cold. I should sleep now. I want to be able to wake up in the morning.