✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-08-04 23:45:45 (UTC)

Escaping Reality


Dear Reader,


I've stopped posting as regularly here, and this is typical for me.
I want to get back into it... but honestly I can't control it.


It occurred to me the other day that as of July 6, this diary turned a year old. Which is so crazy to me.

I just graduated from high school last May.
I wanted a fresh start with this diary...
I wanted to record more of my feelings, and the things that were happening in my life... And I did for awhile...


But I just reverted back into just holding everything inside.
It's just been.. easier to do that...

Honestly... all of this time after graduation.. like the way that I've felt reminds me so much of what I went through during the summer of 2012.
The summer I started writing diaries on the website to begin with.

It used to be so easy to write about my feelings.
Because it felt safe too...

I feel like all of the progress I made since then has been yanked out from under me.


I feel like all the doors I opened, are all closed and locked up even tighter than before. To the point that I can't even write here anymore.

I've avoided writing here because I feel guilty about the things in my head... sometimes it feels like I'm just not allowed to be down or low...

I've been using an app called whisper, but I can only write so much per whisper. People there are vile anyway.

I don't talk to anyone besides Nick.


I talk to J occasionally.
I talk to Jon sometimes.


Josh... has a lot going on, and doesn't have a lot of time for me anymore. He's also been sick.

I don't blame him, I know it isn't his fault.


I just have a bad feeling about it, not going to lie.
And yeah, I'm paranoid. I feel like maybe there's more to it that he might not be telling me..

Sometimes I feel like he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Everything we had, everything we used to do, one by one just stopped.


We used to Skype literally almost every day and night.
He would lay out of college just to keep skyping with me...

Now there's always some reason he can't. And a lot of times he even flat out admits he just doesn't want too... or he's watching something... etc.

And yeah... I know.
He wants to do other things..
but.. it seems like he would rather do anything else than to spend time with me.
When he used to skip school to have more time for me.

When he asked me to skype etc.

Everything sexual's just stopped completely.
On Skype... and via chat.


He admitted to me during the last fight we had that it was because of his ex... because they did stuff when they were together.


He hasn't brought it up since.

I know. I can't make him want to have sex with me...

But I can't say that I don't miss it.


It's not just sex that's missing..
It's "touch" in general.

He doesn't touch me unless I do it first...
And even then it feels like he just does it just because.
He doesn't do it first very often.

It makes me feel kinda.. dumb.


It makes me feel like not ever wanting to open up sexually to anyone ever again.. or showing my body ever again.

The other day he started to apologize about the way things were..
And we started talking about the lack of sex and stuff..
And I thought it was okay to ask him questions about what was going on... I just asked him straight up if he just didn't feel any sexual attractions whatsoever anymore. I thought he was wanting to talk about it..
But he just yelled at me... "I don't know!"

I could have taken a no if that were the case.

And then...
There's him not being around as much.

Which yeah.. he IS busy I'm sure.
He has been sick.


But he's been incredibly distant and closed off from me lately.

It feels like he's avoiding me sometimes.

And it stings every time he has to suddenly get off after being on for a little bit..
but I'm slowly starting to accept it.. accept that this is what our relationship is now..
Slowly growing more and more numb to it.


It feels like he's pushed me out.


All of this just started happening slow at first.
Ever since I lost my laptop... It just snowballed downhill.


The reason it hurts, is because I don't know why...
and it all used to make me happy... and we used to be close..
It hurts because all of what made us close and happy is gone.
And it's like he doesn't want it back...
And I can't help but feel guilty that I do.

Now it feels like I don't matter anymore.
Now it feels like I'm just in the way...

But I don't blame him..
I know it's not his fault, and I know he's going through a lot, and he can't control it.

And I'm not saying that I'm the perfect one here, and I'm not doing anything wrong... because I'm sure I caused some if not all of this.

But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt... or be upset.. or miss it.


If he wants to leave.. I wish he'd just tell me.

Part of me kinda feels that..
We probably won't be able to reconnect after this...

But of course.. I still don't feel as though I could tell him any of this... because I know he'll just get super defensive and angry with me.
He asked me if I was okay the other night... And I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn't. I didn't want another argument.
I just held onto him really tightly and tried to forget.

I just feel dead inside.


Every single day is just more and more anxiety on top of each other...

I feel like I'm being pushed closer and closer to the inevitable fact that I'll have to work... or do something soon.


Throughout July I've just been doing paper embroidery to pass the time.... to have something to focus on.. To distract myself from the depression and the anxiety.. and the future.
I've been doing it obsessively... spending days and weeks on projects...

When I finished one of them...
I felt so empty and purposeless...
I floated through that day, looking for something else to fill the void..

And I got low.. and lost.. and confused.


And I ended up starting another one just because I couldn't do it.
I just couldn't function without a distraction.

I've tried getting Nick to skype with me forever... but I've given up on that happening.

I don't have any friends... I don't talk to anyone.
I don't go anywhere.

All I want to do is just stay in my room....


I've gained a lot of weight.
My legs are weak, and I wobble when I stand and walk.


I've been having problems using the bathroom.

My hair is grown out, and messy, and I just don't want to go through the aggravation to get it cut. And the extreme level of awkward when the hair stylists ask me if I've started to do anything with my life since the last time I've been.

Every thing is getting to me.
Every time she opens her mouth, I fall apart.


My sensitivity has just increased by 1000.


Something else I've been doing to entertain myself is thinking about some short stories I've made up...


Trying to escape reality.


I tried to skype my friend Brandon yesterday,
And it was awkward. Big surprise.


We aren't by any means close..

and talking to him just brought my attention to just how bad my social anxiety has grown.


I feel like when he ended the call, he didn't really need to go..
He just really wanted out.


Which is understandable.

I just want to be left alone...
I don't want to leave my room at all.
I'm so tired of pretending I'm okay..
Trying to be perfect...

Back when I used to refused to feel anything...
When I started allowing it to happen again..
I described it as waking up.

E brought to my attention the other day...
How much control she has over everything I do and say.

How much of a grip my anxiety surrounding her...
Trying to keep everything here as peaceful as I can...
How tightly it has on me.


And it hurts to admit that.


I never realized just how much of myself I hold back.. and refuse to develop.. and how little of myself I allow to show through...
How much I don't know about myself,
When I thought I had that all taken care of...

Because I can't be myself here.

That's one reason why I'm afraid to start my life...

I'm afraid of myself...
Afraid of what I'll find.

Afraid of looking back at my life here...
And the different people I have been here...

And not being able to handle facing it all.


I have this vision of myself....

Thin... finally figured out how to do hair...
White teeth... financially secure, or at least working towards that.
Strong.. independent... Dressing the way I've always wanted to dress and no one stopping me.
Having a career that I love that pays well...

Loving and forgiving myself...
Who does great things, and has good, supportive, and understanding friends.

Lives a life without being drug down by fear.

Being happy... taking care of myself mentally, and physically.

Away from all of this. Healed from all of this.

Being a good person, living a healthy life with healthy relationships.

And that just doesn't feel like it'll ever happen.

It feels like I'm never going to have anything in life...

I'm always going to be fucked up..
I'm always going to be here.

I'll be alone... working at a job I hate...
Looking like shit all the time.


Hating myself.

And growing old, and look back at all the time I wasted...
And all the things I'll never have or experience...

Just like graduating didn't feel like it would ever happen..

It feels like there's nothing ahead but darkness.


I hate to admit this again...

But I do think about just ending it all.


It's an every day thing... multiple times.

And even if I'd never do it..

I'm not saying it just to say it...

Even if I'd never do it..
Imagining doing it brings me a very morbid form of comfort.


Because really...
That's the only thing I could do,
For anyone to notice that I'm beyond not okay.

No one will believe me, or take anything I say seriously...


But they'd have to if I did.


E starts back school tomorrow.

They let him buy all new, name brand clothes and shoes...

And I remember being yelled at when I asked if I could go to walmart and get a few more T-shirts before I started my senior year.

I bought new clothes at Christmas time..
But I bought Winter stuff....
And I grabbed it all in a hurry, because I was with Rhonda.
And she was pissed at me because I was buying from the men's.

I would love to go clothes and shoe shopping...
But like I said in my last entry.. she's planning on making me buy girly shit.. and I really don't want to fight that battle.


I just... want to be myself.

I just want them to love me for who I am like they're supposed to do, instead of trying to change me into something that I'm not.


They have no idea who I am...
And they'd hate me if they did.


If I were to end it all...
They'd have never knew me... The real me.
All of my thoughts.. my ideas, my opinions.. what I stand for.. All the characters, and stories...
Everything else bundled inside...

It would all die with me, and they would never know.

I knew writing this out would make me break down a little...

And there's more... and there's things I'm missing..
But this is all I can get out for now.


Sincerely,
Me, kinda.





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