inbetween

inbetween
2016-08-03 23:19:00 (UTC)

wow an entry

in which i reason with myself that the way i live now is so disgustingly awful that i might as well kill myself.

No, really.

Why do I insist on being lazy? Why do I insist on hiding and clinging to fear? Why do I keep procrastinating and why do I ignore my responsibilities? Why do I permit this self-destructive behavior? Why do I push everything good and healthy away, or why do I keep making the wrong choices even when I know they are bad and wrong for me and I know there's only one way I'm headed and it's not where I tell myself I want to be?

There's only one way for me to live now, and that is true and honestly. Or else I should just start planning for my own funeral. Except suicide is out of the question, because I have a responsibility and obligation towards my family and maybe even my friends. I got to see what the death of a child, a sibling, a friend, does to people. I had imagined, of course, but when you're fucked up enough you're willing to make that compromise, even though you know it's entirely selfish. There's an irony in it. I didn't die but my best friend did. What the fuck. I can't do that to my parents. Sudden and unexpected natural death is one thing. Suicide is something else. And what that would do to her mother?

I didn't ask to live, but here I am and every single day I am choosing life. It is practically insane to choose life and then choose to let it go to hell.

I am pathetic, truly. I keep beating myself down. It's completely unproductive to back away and then drown myself in this hate. For the last two years or so (two years!) I have told myself that if I just try to understand myself, I will understand why I behave this way and then I will know how to fix it. This is just another excuse. Sure, understanding where I come from lets me construct the best solution, but anyone can see how unhealthy it is to live the way I do. I don't have to write a thousand-page book on why I am so "damaged" and what makes up the problem, and what would be the best way to "cure" myself and live a life of purpose and happiness. I just have to STOP the harmful behavior and START making the right choices. Break the bad habits and build healthy ones.

But since I have spent quite a while trying to understand where I come from - and yes, I am dense enough apparently that I couldn't figure it out faster, and I doubt I have the all the answers still...

One, I am outrageously, devastatingly, disgustingly lazy. Yes, I couldn't write plain "lazy". I am lazy to such a degree it's quite extreme. I often try to find other underlying reasons because I don't like to think that I am just lazy. Sure, most likely this laziness is caused by several different things. There's avoidance, procrastination, anxiety and what not. But there's also the fact that laziness is part of my personality. I've never had to work very hard for all the things I want. Some things, yes. But most things, no. I've been spoiled, but I've also been lucky enough that my parents have been able to provide me with everything I really need.

Ahh, this is pointless. Speaking of that thousand-word book...

Since I can't trust myself to make the right choices regarding lifestyle at any given time, it might help to make a schedule and something of an overall plan. That's not the end of the story, but a monthly and weekly plan is good for keeping up with all the different kinds of responsibilities and obligations I have. That would free up a lot of energy and space that I use on worrying and stress. I would feel a greater sense of control over my life. It's also a good way of gaining confidence that I can build habits.




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