what, what is this
"Waitress" by Hop Along
July 31, 2016 Sunday 3:45 PM
Today, I feel very young and it's been about 4 PM all day. There has been no change in the level of light streaming through the window since I woke up at noon (which, okay, isn't all day but still). It's been raining since I went to sleep at 4 AM, and the sky is mostly just a flat white.
That is a sky I am used to. There's always lots of clouds, always lots of water.
My grandparents were mildly amazed. They're from California, so y'know. Having this much rain is just. Unusual. That's a bit of an understatement, but then it's not like they were kissing the ground and kicking puddles. It was just, "Oh, wow, we don't get much rain in California," or maybe they didn't even have to say that last part – everyone knows about the drought.
I'm talking to Adrian and I think he's being weird again. Vague word, I know. He's just doing that thing he does where he texts me some totally strange nonsequitur. Usually this happens at lulls in the conversation, so I suspect he's afraid we'll stop talking.
I wonder if he realizes how important he is to me. I think if he did, he wouldn't be so worried about lulls in conversation. We're going to be friends for a very long time.
I really do intend to watch his little sister grow up, because she is going to be the most beautiful/most scary woman you've ever seen. She's got very big eyes. She's like five, so I guess that's why, but – really. The girl is so beautiful. and SO SCARY.
Of course, I also just like Adrian as a person and I want to see where he'll go in life. Sometimes I kinda worry he's going nowhere. I never hear him talk about the future, and once he told me he didn't have much hope for his adult life?? Or maybe he said it would all just fall into place, like it always does for him. Things just work out.
As a note: he might just be weirder than I thought. Adrian might not've been trying to fill a silence. He could've just been... conversing. So, yes. Maybe I read everything wrong. I had to make sure this was written because I don't want anyone thinking I understand these things – I really don't.
I want Elise to be here. I've been thinking about her all day, because I was going through old photos and I found some of her and there were also screenshots of things she wrote and.
I feel so young.
Not like a two year old, but like a seventeen year old. I guess I always feel like a seventeen year old, but this is different somehow. Because I feel young and yet... I'm not. I am, but I... amn't? Hah.
I just mean there's so much. To do. But I'm so little. Why are my dreams so big?
Which sounds stupid, but I want so much, sometimes I think I can feel the physical pull of it on my stomach?????
I want to go to school in California. My grandparents want me to as well. I also wanna go to school.. pretty much anywhere, though. Mostly, I like the Northern half of the US. If I went to school in California, it'd be a little warm for my tastes, but I love it there anyhow.
Alexis's cousin is getting an abortion. She took some abortion pills she got from Planned Parenthood.
Alexis was texting me last night and it was not the usual kind of texting between us. Alexis and I have a cool friendship. It's very lighthearted and easy, but this was not lighthearted which was kind of weird and I felt clumsy in handling it, but I was just glad I could be there sort of.
I wonder what kind of emotional damage Alexis is collecting right now. I know she already had a lot. Most people have a lot. She's totally fine, don't get me wrong.
Alexis was telling me about how her cousin was vomiting and bleeding a lot. That's fucking terrible. Terrifying.
I remember Rushmore telling me about how his girlfriend got an abortion – the kind in a doctor's office. How she almost passed out, and there was so much blood, and it hurt.
Then I think about my mom, and how she got an abortion a couple years before I was born.
It's pretty fucked, all of it. It would be fucked any way, though. There'd be a child that couldn't be cared for, and that's just a different kind of pain. I don't know. I wish life was like my imagined heaven, but ugh I know it's easy to wish so. Whatever.