All that is
Today i felt ugly. Haven't felt like this in a long time, i mean.. there was a definite build up. It hasn't crecendoed but it's still building. Today, after many moments of contemplation, I asked joshua to do something tomorrow. There's something happening at the jazz cafe - so I send him a link with the question 'Yo do you want to go to this tomorro.' I began with 'yo', left the 'w' off 'tomorrow' and did not punctuate with a question mark. ALl carefully thought through, a deliberate effort to appear as nonchalant as poss. About half an hour goes by, 45 mins. No word of course. I think ok, this might be a good sign. In the past, I've noticed that if he'll usually take his time to respond, if his response is positive. In my mind I see this as a way to 'balance' his acceptance of my offer to do something, so as to appear cool, since boys too, play hard to get. So I decided to read this as a good sign. Mind you this is about an hour or so after sending initial message. Still, that doesn't stop me from expecting his message and hoping for it. I have my phone in my hand, constantly. I scroll around. I open our text conversation and read my message for re-approval, checking the tone and insinuations. Imagining how he might be reading it - wondering if he had read it (the message said delivered so was bound to, right), examining my tone to see what I might have given away. I end up accidentally pressing the audio button and sending a blank voice message. I kick myself figuratively. Then I pretend it's no big deal (it isn't but in my mind it's not a great look - considering the voice message was sent an hour after my initial message. Had i received a vm from josh, timing and all, it would have made me smile a small victorious smile - because why was he sending a vm an hour after his initial text? He was obvs staring at our conversation, analysisng it as I would be doing.). More time goes by and finally my phone buzzes. It's him, hallelujah. But it's short lived.
"What's that audio" he asks. I'm giddy and my mind runs manic with all the possibilities of witty responses I could answer this question with - I could say 'it was me doing an impression of you doing <insert lewd reference to our coital session> or something of the like. And while I enjoy the feeling of knowing this message was not the final - there was more to come int he next couple of minutes, since he'd still yet to respond to my main question, I wait. And of course he does.
'Ahhh this looks guuurrrd' is his following response. My heart sinks slightly, and my giddiness turns to irritation. 'Yea, so why don't you fucking come if it looks so good' I say out loud already knowing whatever his response, I wouldn't be happy.
Then he says 'But i'm out of london tomorrow morning.' Ah hah. "Sure", I think. "You motherfucker" I say aloud. I don't believe him then, either. Then he closes with 'N that audio disappeared'. I wasn't entirely accurate previously when i mentioned my lose adherence to grammar rules when texting with him as an effort to appear nonchalant - yes this is so, but the main reason i stay away from punctuation, vowel enunciation, and description in general is because he does the same thing. (by the way I've noticed that I do that. WHen someone is texting, I'll tend to adapt to their style of texting - if they keep it formal, I'll more readily veer on that side too, rather than stay the same or assume they'll adapt to mine. I jump to make them comfortable. If they tend to send consecutive one-line texts instead of one body of text, i'll be more casual and do the same (altho I do feel that is a more natural way to text, as it shows a willingness and keeness to engage with the person in realtime, that you don't use text as something to hide behind), if they're 'emotive' in their msgs as in lots of emojis, kisses, smiley faces, I'll do the same. But yea, why do I do that? Do I do the same thing in person, with people - adapt to their style, jump to make them more comfortable, rather than hold fast and assume they'll adapt to my own style? Although its worth noting that with some of these texting styles, I find that some people's style seem to fit your natural style than others, so in a way it's not necessarily 'adapting' it's that there are levels to which your self expression is reigned in. I digress.
But like I said, something inside me crumbled. It's not that he said he was out of london (essentially said 'no') it's just that he didn't respond with a counter-offer. Didn't offer any other information - nothing about where the fuck he was going, when he might be back, whether he'd be interested in doing something when he did come back - nothing else. Then again, what was I expecting? Isn't that he way he's always communicated with me? Inconsistent, undescriptive, uninformative...why should this be any different, just because my expectations changed post-sex? He's still the same person who didn't reply my messages for weeks on end, nor apologised for it. Still the same person who accepted a dinner invitation to my house, yet didn't return the offer or hasn't made any reference to it whatsoever... It's me being wilfully naive. Because being wilfully naive means that I get to do what I want (fully knowing what I can expect) but at least I get to bask in the expectation of a decent response. I guess after having sex with him, my feelings intensified - not to the extent that they were capable of doing but still. It's funny because when he came over last saturday, there was a moment early in the evening when we were sitting around the kitchen counter. Facing eachother, not saying anything. there was a feeling that passed through me, it wasn't awkwardness or discomfort..it was as if someone gave you a quick look into what a future together with him would feel like, and i remember not enjoying the feeling. And I remember thinking to myself - we're not meant to be together. And then thought to myself 'what a shame', because we're so ideal for each other. We're both attractive, black , intelligent, head screwed on, know what we want..both consciously want to be with black people - I add that last one because it's important. With other races, they can be attracted to someone, list all the reasons why they would both be ideal for one another, and never think to mention '...and we're both white.' That doesn't even come into the equation. It would be laying out reasons why two cats should breed together, and saying 'because they're both cats'. But when it comes to black women and black men, guarantee nowadays - it's not a given that just because the man is black, the direction he'd be looking in would be that of a black woman. Nope. Hence I say 'we both want to be with black people'. Or at least that's what he's told me. And with charles I can remember several such moments. where it felt like someone handed me a photograph of us together in the future. And I didn't like it. With charles and josh too, the main feeling was something like emotional and mental disconnection on a massive scale with the other person, and me wondering whether it was something we both knew.
Then I spent the entire evening running errands around central london, with a chip on my shoulder, feeling furious at imaginary slights with random-ass people, almost tearful at times. Why, at 27, is it still this way? Is it my skin? My mouth, the way i smile? My fingers? Like wtf? Other than my skin, Ive never had an outright problem with too many of my features - and when I do, I always look at a person far less physically fortunate than myself, but loved by her beloved, and think no matter what you look like, if you're not hideous, there'll be someone out there who'll think you're gorgeous - who'll find your features gorgeous, even the ones you hate so much. That said there are some parts of my body that I genuinely believe would catapult me to new ground. I'm not even talking major changes, I talking tweaks of a few inches here and there. For instance, i started noticing recently that women who were considered beautiful (of all ethnicities) had something in common. The distance between their top lip and the bottom of their nose was small. Mine isn't. It's not long like danielle staub from real housewives of new jersey long, but it's not short. there's definitely a gap to consider. It's not ugly, but shortening that distance would, like i say 'elevate' me. What else. A more defined jawline - now this is obvs something that can't be changed easily, except for when I lose weight. Right now, I've gained a little weight and my face is usually the first to show, and my chin/jaw area is kinda not defined right now. Then there's my cheekbones - what i'm complimented on the most. they're still popping but right now they could do with some more definition if i lost stone and a half. So its fair to say that right now i'm not feeling my finest.
But sex with josh was the bomb. Here's why.
- Probably the best I've had so far, and in a long time. He went down on me. Not for a long while but he did it. See how deprived of the act i've been? That the very fact that he even went there is a big deal. Charles didn't at all. ever. Once, and that was it. Josh actually put his mouth on me, which when I even think about I get kinda turned on.
- His body. Enough said. It's amazing, thoughhh. His arms, his back, his stomach, his legs, everything. his tattoos. Thing is he's not really really tall - he's gotta be 6 foot or so, but he's built in such a brilliantly proportionate way (not one of them oversized arms and nothing else) that the sheer mass of him just makes him look so big. big big big.
- His dick. I know what they say, that it's not the size it's what you do with it, and to be honest, I'd say that's true to a certain degree. But after josh, my thoughts are 'nah'. Size matters. It's like yea know what to do with it regardless of size is half the work, but imagine knowing what to do with it PLUS having the size? That's him. He's not only long, but thick as fuck. Black. I don't think I've ever gone into this much description about a guys D before but his man.. it's so well formed - looks good. I loved going down on him. And that doesn't happen often. Like I genuinely enjoy giving head, it turns me on, massively on a slightly different level. With other things that turn me on, it tends to be some direct sensation to an area of my body that's erogenous - I'm at the receiving end. But when it comes to giving head, for me it's the act - it's so "dirty"... To have a d, especially a really big one, inside your mouth, on your tongue, touching your lips. There's also something debasing the act itself - from the position you're usually in (kneeling/crouching) to your mouth being used as something to masturbate with, for now - which I must admit is a turn on for me, but we won't get into the psychoanalysis of why. I genuinely enjoyed giving him head, didn't want to stop.
All this talk about giving him head and enjoying it, and yet my plan moving forward is to not contact him - no text, no call, no nothing. Not until he comes to me.
My heart feels heavy though