All that is
Ad 2:
2016-07-18 12:22:10 (UTC)

Josh. He doesn't see me. At least I..

Josh. He doesn't see me. At least I don't think he does. I'm always the one initiating contact. Yet when I do, his response is always positive - yes, or i'm free or when? But why doesn't he do the same with me? Have i unwittingly set the rules for our interaction? I've come his way so many times now, even during instances when custom or manners dictate that he should have been the one to come to me, to counter my offer with one of his, to apologise for slow response - even during those intances I still met him at his own doorstep, played by his rules. So now i have this. A situation whereby I text him asking whether he'd like to do something on this day or that day. His response is almost always yes. That day comes, never quick enough as always, and I perform my pre-date rituals, leave my house and arrive, usually at least 30 mins late. He's always waiting patiently. We have a good time usually - laughs, jokes - at least I do. Then we part ways, me, intoxicated with desire and lust, he - I don't know... Then it begins again, another two - three weeks of nothing but the odd peep, unless I suggest we do something such has been the pattern. To be honest, it's not a sad story, at leat not yet... - it hasn't been difficult - not the way you'd expect going by my previous record with the likes of the Davy Romes or the Ben Andersons.. Although those boys/men were years ago, and this is now, me, post Charles, and therein lies the reason perhaps. Post charles there seem to be less stakes, emotionally. Yes I lust, yes, I care, but there seems to be a more c'est la vie manner about it. Without even trying I'm able to look at whatever scenario with an objective lens and laugh out loud cynically. I don't know whether this is a good thing yet.

The other day as i scrolled through facebook, I saw a photo of ben pop up. Not journalist ben, the other ben whose surname now escapes me. Ben my first, ben. The first guy I did it with (I'm being careful with my language since I type this on my work computer and have no idea who might by lurking). It was a picture of his girl friend - they've been together it seems, since 2009 and it just made realise how much time has passed. They've been together this long.

I digress. Josh. So yes this, right now is the closest thing i have to romance in my life. I wonder how he feels. I know that he's quite private himself, and that he's more clued up to nuances/neurotic/romantic/in need of affection than he lets on. And he doesn't let much on. So cool and collected. The other night things took a turn for the heated. We met up at another psuedo-date initiated and organised by me. This time it was to buy him a meal for covering the cost of mine and his friend's some weeks prior. We went to soho, cay tre my fave vietnamese place. The start of the evening goes as it always does..then we go to a few other places to drink. That's when things got sultry. we began talking about one of the times we met late last year when he was still with his gf. we went to freud's and for the first time something happened. One flirtatious question led to another and another, and I remember asking 'would you be mad if I nibbled on your ear?' He responded 'why would i be mad?' and so i did just that. And didn't stop. He responded as you'd imagine and as I'd hoped. He was clearly excited, he and I making quite the scene at the far corner of this crowded bar, not giving any fucks. We eventually left the bar, me lust-drunk and high as fuck. Along the way to the tube station I ask him if he likes me. He tells me ~of course he likes me, but how would I feel (if I was his girlfriend)?' I didn't respond. What would have been the point? Besides I had a boyfriend of my own didn't I? It doesn't matter that this fact never stopped me from engaging in liasons before. Not in colombia, not in Morocco, not in London. Let's see - in Morocco it was nata and juan. In Morocco it was Mustafa. In London it was Trigga and that other guy whose name i seem to forget now. My point is, that that moment seemed like an appropriate time to excercise fidelity, or whatever was left of it at least. Annoyed as I was.