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2016-07-31 02:39:26 (UTC)

grey ice water in the head

"Grey Ice Water" by Modest Mouse

July 31, 2016 Sunday 2:40 AM

Am feeling mildly sorrowful. Sometimes I wish I could change it. I wish it so hard it hurts. But, y'know. I can't change anything and I'm not willing to let go of the regret. Because who knows what else I'll drop in the process.

Blink tired. Is what I feel. Also a bit nauseas. I want to stop time.

Going through old photos is never a convenient thing to do. Most things are an inconvenience to me, though – I'm always occupied with something, always have some kind of deadline, and even though I hate that I realized something kind of shitty, which is that without deadlines, I don't think I can live a real life.

I mean I don't think I can be happy. Which almost doesn't make sense. How can something I hate make me happy?

I need lines to live inside. I can't be as free as I want to, I don't think. That is my theory at least. I have never really had the full freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. Most people are like me in this way. We don't get that chance. It's a hard situation to manufacture.

Lines make me learn.

I think. I hope.

Damn it, I feel sick.

And I want to stick my hands back in time again. Where's keeko? I need the warmth of an animal. Animals are good. They don't need to know what my face is saying.

It's raining. It rains a lot here. My neighborhood is very green, but some parts of the city are full of big gray buildings, and all these rotting townhouses that haven't been cared for in years. No one can afford the care. I imagine the rain must be pretty ugly in those parts of the city.

I wonder if it makes anyone sad. Now, I like the rain. I like how it makes everything all reflective, and I like ugliness anyways. I feel it's a pretty honest reflection of humanity??? Which, ugh. Humanity is a pretty thing, but we've got our really gross parts, and these places we build with all the concrete are ugly and. It just means we've got ways to go to perfection???

What am I talking about. I appreciate the ugliness.

But then, I don't have to live there all the time. Mostly, I live in my house, which is far from neat and perfect, but it's still a comfy place and I like it even if my parents are embarrassed of it.

My palms are dry.

Goodnight. I'm getting cold and sleepy.