LustingforNightmares

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2016-07-22 13:26:01 (UTC)

I'm Really Confused Right Now


July 22, 2016 Friday 1:26 PM


Okay so: I'm going to murder Adrian.


No, okay. No, I'm not.

But he just joined my creative writing class. Today.

I swear I told him I was taking it, but I think he genuinely forgot and signed up just 'cause he likes writing, which I know he does.

(And of course, of COURSE he signed up three weeks into the class – that is such a fucking Adrian thing to do. God damn it.)

Wanna know something horrible, though? I suspect he's not a great writer. I mean, he's probably pretty good. Maybe even better than me, although I don't believe that.

Why I think he's a good writer: because Adrian is naturally good at art. And this often translates into writing. At least I think so. I also know he likes to tell stories.

Why I think he's not great: he's rushed. His artwork, even, is mostly sort of rushed, it's not meticulous and he's even admitted that he gets impatient. I have the same problem. My art does not have... conservation of pencil strokes or whatever. Nope. Each line is actually like five lines that I've scribbled in about two seconds. My writing is probably much of the same, except that I spend a lot – I mean a lot – of time going over it. This is only lately, though. Even just a few months ago, I'd publish crap (not including stuff on my diary – obviously this is all just stream-of-thought stuff) without really looking over it more than twice.

Actually I did that just last week... But mostly, I don't. Anymore.

Gah. Jesus. Anyway, Adrian rushes and so I feel like he might get impatient with the things he writes.

Another thing is, that I think he will do that thing I do, but worse. I think he'll focus on making things sound pretty.

This, I suspect because I hear it in the stories he tells out loud. Sometimes he'll compare... I dunno, he'll compare a person to a drooping flower. Which, if done carefully, could probably sound okay. But he doesn't do it carefully – he makes the comparison outright, and that's fine but it sounds so fake, y'know?

Why am I judging so much? I have these exact problems with my own writing. And I've never actually read any of his. But I have read his texts and listened to him talk. I have an idea of what his writer voice would sound like, and I don't particularly like it?? It's a bit melodramatic for me.

Again, I have the same problems with my own writing. Ignore me.


Mostly, I'm just mad that Adrian is in the class because I don't like being in classes with him. He always comes late, always hunched with his backpack stuffed. Always wearing a flannel or obscure graphic t-shirts of, like, M.C. Escher-esque patterns or something equally strange and artistic (seriously I'm not sure where he finds those things).

And always, ALWAYS, he laughs – and I mean, that's fine, but he laughs while he's talking. Like if he's telling a story he thinks is funny. He laughs through the whole god damn story and I dunno. Maybe I just have no sense of humor.

I get, like. Embarrassed of him. Which is such a shitty thing to say, but it's true. I feel like he's always making a scene, although I guess he doesn't mind it so it should be fine.

Still, it bothers me.

Prediction: okay. I'm betting Adrian will not read the stories we're given. I'm betting he'll just wing it in class and I'm also betting Mr. Rayes' will never suspect a thing.

See, 'cause that's another Adrian thing to do.

During the year, he'd tell me – laughing, of course – that he gets perfect scores in Mr. Washington's class without ever doing the class or homework.

He's super proud of that.

Yet another thing about him that makes me SO mad, but I suspect I'm jealous at how little he has to try. Without trying, I could probably get nineties. But I did try, and according to my report card I had 100's in APUSH all yeaR??? Which doesn't seem right... But then maybe it is. I don't know.

Adrian was also ridiculously happy when he beat Birdy at a run or something? He told this story of how, during cross-country I guess, he sprinted past Birdy which is unheard of because I'm pretty sure Birdy is literally a state champion. At least, he got some kind of big award last year I guess.

I've overheard his team members saying that Adrian doesn't know how to pace himself, though, so he'll sprint for a bunch and then go slow. Like, he doesn't know when to stop.

So, yeah. This was Adrian showing off, I guess. And that is why I suspect he'll fake his way through the reading. It wouldn't even be hard for him.

He's got a really, really good brain. He's a very smart guy, or at least if he's not he's very good at faking it which is almost the same thing.

(I don't think he's totally faking it. But I do think he's really good at taking small pieces of knowledge and sort of bullshitting the spaces between.)

Mmmmmm I dunno. He frustrates me. I feel like he's not transparent.

But he's also the kinda person I wanna write, 'cause he's very very flawed and after you've known him a bit, it's not hard to see.

Which is maybe a contradiction to the whole "I feel like he's not transparent," thing. Seriously, though, sometimes I don't know when he's being honest and when he's not. That is my main problem with him.

I'm not genuinely mad at him, although I am mad, haha.

(And glad I won't be in class for a week)

Adrian is cool and my friend and I'm sorry for all of this. At least he's not boring.


____________

Sometimes I feel like I may be a little arrogant.

Always dreaming up these future documentaries where they, I don't know, zoom in on a black and white picture of me sitting by a window with a cup of coffee in my hands. Someone's voice speaking as the camera moves, saying shit like, "She was always fascinated with trees," (not that that's true) and like, "I always knew that she had a gift for writing!"

In the end, I don't want that. Only because I probably wouldn't be around to see it. I'd rather someone try to friggin interview me.

Although I don't know. I imagine this happening, but I don't think it will. On some level, I must think it's possible, though – because I get all hopeful.

That's my dream, I guess. To be one of the greats. Which is kind of a big dream, kind of an almost impossible dream, and I don't wanna be fake so I can't AIM for fame... hah... I just have to keep writing what I want. And there's a chance that what I like to write is not the kind of stuff that gets you up there, with the greats.

I guess that's okay. It's not... NOT okay. I don't expect it. But I want it.

Arrogance, though. Arrogance. The above isn't really arrogance, I don't think, but this is:

I'm kind of as big a bullshitter as Adrian. Maybe not quite, but still.

I mean. I have mentioned that I don't think I'm particularly smart or special, but maybe that's not 100% true, right?

Listen. I know I'm good at school. I'm kind of proud of the fact that, like Adrian, I don't have to work as hard as other people for the same grades.

Who the fuck knows if I actually absorb the material? It doesn't matter. I can pass the state tests with perfect scores.

So yeah. I know that school-wise, things are really easy for me. I understand where other kids don't.

I always get a little confused, though, when saying that I really don't have to try to get good grades. Which, if I stopped trying, I dunno. I'd probably get B's and C's.

I DO try. I stay up late doing homework and writing essays and sometimes I can't sleep 'cause I'm busy worrying about school. But then, whenever I get home, I fuck around until like 7 PM which is the only reason I have to stay up so late. If I started right after school, I'd be done by 9 PM.

How lame is that, though? To spend all your free time doing THAT.

Ahh.

It doesn't make a lot of sense. I have this constant feeling. It hangs. I'm lazy.

I don't care if I spend three hours writing one paper – I'm lazy. No matter what I do, I'm lazy lazy lazy. And this is where I get muddled, because how am I s'posed to tell what's true and what's not?

I think I'm the smartest I can be. Right below gifted (I feel cocky saying that, though – better to saying I'm just around average. But... I don't think I am... which is literally painful to say. My collarbone hurts. That may be unrelated. I'm cringing, though, okay. Because of what I said, not the collarbone. Get with the program, shit).

But I think I could be more effective at the things I do if I didn't procrastinate so much.

Ahhh. I just feel so shitty about this stuff.

It feels like I'm always working, but it also feels like I never get anything done. I heard once that that is a mark of a successful person. That CEO's and all them always feel like they're lazy, and like any success they've had was a fluke, so they keep working.

Which is pretty much me. So, yay, I guess, but also no because I worry it's not gonna work like that for me.

It's like. I have to stay humble, or I'll go to shit. Sometimes it's nice to think I'm really special, though.

Alright (which, hellO STRUNK & WHITE. I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU. 'ALRIGHT' IS A FUCKING WORD OKAY – TO ME AT LEAST. Sorry. I have the deepest respect for you. Kinda)

I have confused myself enough for one day.


PS: On my thingy, Mr. Rayes basically only crossed out commas (I use commas excessively, as has been my issue for years) and replaced a word or two soooo yayayyayayayy.

His hand writing is kind of hard to read but I'm pretty sure the note at the top of the paper says, "Nice job, Veronica. I'm eager to see where you go with this."

I KNOW THAT'S A TINY, TINY THING BUT STILLLLLLLLLLLL I'M happy. He did not think it was terrible. That is literally all I'm asking for right now.

Am pleased.



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