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Relapse from the past
I made a mistake. I let some things in my past come back. At least I let it come back in my mind. First real stupid thing I've thought of all year. So I had to regroup and get back to my jaded hard ass self. Only way to cope with what's left of my life.
I sort of know now why I'm by myself. For years, I thought the ex caused me to become jaded. Well, I need to stop using that excuse now. Now, it's only my fault for being here. I don't open up to anyone. I do but just as friends so of course, I end up with lots of friends.
I can see that I'm not really looking for that special someone anymore. This is not to be confused with not wanting sex. That feeling never left. Always a horny SOB. Typical man I guess. What I'm now referring to is that I believe my actions and state of mind is not on the hunt for someone special anymore.
I do get these dreams now from time-to-time. The kind of dreams where you find someone or at the beginning stages of romance. Not sure what the hell those dreams mean. Don't know if someone above is telling me what I long forgot is still around or my self realization that I am no longer that kind of a man. I dunno. Taking it a day at a time I guess till my days finally end. I don't know when I lost that little kid in me.
Thanks again diary for letting me spill my thoughts and being a false sense of support :) It does help me think when I lay it all out there in words. Otherwise, nothing magnifico or terrible is happening to me except for small minor ups and downs. Sigh....