✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-07-19 22:54:45 (UTC)

Something I Will Never Have

Dear Reader,


Today I took a shower.

I was expecting to get a haircut today,
And I washed my hair.


Getting haircuts are always anxiety inducing to me.

She watches us in the chair while the hairdresser cuts our hair.

Once E is done, she compliments it.

Once I explain to the hairdresser what I want, I try not to even look in her direction. But I can feel her eyes burning into me.
She sits there giving me the most hateful and disgusted look.

The process would be enjoyable, and therapeutic...
But no... I'm always dreading once it's over,
And I have to get in the car.
Because she'll say something.

Once I'm done,
She doesn't compliment it.
Doesn't even pretend not to hate it.


How dare I like alternative hairstyles.
How dare I be my own unique individual with my own thoughts,
feelings, and ideas.


The first few days after a haircut,
Once I get up in the mornings,
She always has something to say.
"Tell the girl next time not to cut the sides too short."
"I don't like your hair."


My hair has grown out past the point that I don't like.

I'm not exactly sure what I want to do next with my hair...


I went to Walmart with grandma.
And I wanted to look at some things,
But she went a different direction,
And I just didn't feel like speaking up about it.
She kept talking aloud but turned away from me,
So I couldn't hear her... even though I've told her that I can't hear her when she's not talking in my direction.

And when we got into the car and started driving home,
She mentioned that she was dreading school starting back, (Because she has to get E up in the mornings)

She does this thing...
Where she'll talk about one thing that gets on her nerves...
And then she'll start ranting and raving about how much her life sucks, and how we ruin everything... and then she'll direct her anger at you.

Which is what she did in the car.

She started saying how I need to get a job, I need to learn to drive..
She "hated" to be "rough" about it..
She was being hateful and degrading...


That's one thing she never did.

She never encouraged me.
She never tried to inspire me.

She never tried to get me excited to build my own independent life.


It was always anger. It was always "the real world" this and the "real world that"

She never tried lighting a fire within me,
But instead yelled at me, scolded me, and shamed me because it wasn't there.

She never lifted me up,
Only drug me down.

She's never asked me why it isn't there...

No one has.


And even if I told her,
She'd dismiss it... belittle it.


I'm afraid.

This fear has existed within me for as long as I can remember.


She only has added to the fears.

I know I can't run from it forever...
I don't expect too.
I don't want too.


I know I can't avoid the inevitable.


I need to take baby steps,
but if I try to take baby steps,
They'll start shoving me.
So I don't move at all.


I want to work in specific environments, because of my anxiety.
But it's not about what I want.
It's about what SHE wants me to do.
She knocks down any suggestions that I bring up.
It's her way or no way.


I'll have to buy work uniforms.
The other day... she told me in the car that she was going to buy me some work clothes soon... Meaning, feminine casual shit that she knows I don't like at all.
I know that I can compromise for an employer.
I know that I can wear the things I like and get away with still being in a work uniform... I know that I can still look appropriate and professional even with my style preferences.
But no.. after years of getting to where I am today..
She wants to rip out from under my feet and buy clothes that I don't identify with at all... because she thinks no one will hire me...
She thinks that I'm too stupid to know what's professional, and what isn't.
A common phrase she says is "You can't wear Batman to an interview."
And also because.. she's ashamed of me.
She hates that I prefer to dress this way,
And tries every chance she gets to change me.
She's scared of what people will say about the way that I dress...
And it might make her look bad for letting me dress this way.

That's a battle that I don't want to have.

I'm not confrontational at all...
and I'll crumble if I try to stand up for myself.

But regardless,
I refuse to wear anything feminine again.



She'll complain about everything that I spend my money on.

Any decision that I make for myself won't be good enough, even if it is.


I want to go to college someday...
But the amount of debt I'll be in for an enormous chunk of my life...
Triggers my anxiety just thinking about it...
Plus.. I don't know if I'll even do well.
I struggled in high school... I don't know if I'm smart enough.


I have severe social anxiety, and panic disorder.
I don't know how to talk to people... And that's inevitable in the work environment. I freak out over the tiniest things...
I'm afraid of messing up, of being yelled at...
Of having shitty coworkers, and shitty bosses.. and shitty customers.
I'm afraid of confrontation.. and asking for help if I need it.

I don't know what I want to do...
I don't have a plan.
I don't know how to go about making one...
I've never known.

And part of me doesn't want to know....

Part of me just doesn't want to go through this...

I imagine myself in these situations..
Behind the wheel... being yelled at by a customer...
Failing a college course...

And not knowing at all how I'll handle it.
Knowing it'll just drag me down.


Imagining those situations doesn't register in my head that it will happen.


I feel like a closed, bundled up flower....
I have to hide everything that makes me who I am..
Because who I am isn't safe to be here.

As much as I thought I knew who I was...
There's so much about myself that I can't let myself discover..
Because I can't here.


But, I've learned how to function in this house.
I've learned how to deal with everything almost.

As much as it hurts me...
It's all I know.
Here is safe...


I don't want to stay in it, but I don't want to leave.

I hate this life, but I don't want a better one.

I don't believe I can find or make any better for myself.


I didn't want to live this long.

I was so afraid of it,
That when I used to believe in god...
I used to pray to that when I turned 15..
I wanted him to take me.

Because 15 is when you get your learner's license.
And I saw how they were on R's case all the time about it when he turned 15...

I didn't want to do anything else.


I've lived 5 years over the age I wanted to die at.


And while most of them were okay because they were in school...
2016 has just been one long anxiety attack...
Because I feel as though I'm being pushed towards a fire.

And I'll admit it...
Sometimes... when I think of myself in these situations...
All I can think of...


Is going off and killing myself.

I don't know if I'd ever do it...

But that's where my head goes.
To me.. it feels like that's the only option I have sometimes..

I think... I just.. need them to understand.

If they were just understanding, supportive, and patient..

I think that I could do this...
I need a foundation... a strong support system...

A healthy home life.


I need encouragement,
Not a lecture...
Someone who'll ask me why there isn't a fire inside...
And won't dismiss and belittle what I tell them.


But that's something I'll never have here.


Sincerely,
NoIdea





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